Nebraska President Hank Bounds has recently caused quite the ruckus over his hiring of an outside group, the SilverStone Group, to evaluate the environment, culture, and inner workings of the always interesting, drama-addicted Nebraska Athletic Department. Though honestly, I truly believe that a lack of drama leads to Nebraskans doing silly things, like putting elephantiasis on their license plates.
Clearly, there are a lot of opinions about this, and some speculation involving the motives behind this move.
Some say this means Eichorst is on his way out the door, with the Regents throwing their weight around to correct a power imbalance. Some say this means nothing and it's just political theory. Others think pants are an abomination.
All of you are wrong.
No, no. The truth, the one DEAR LEADER JON has worked so hard to obscure, is far more sinister. (No, not the alien cheerleaders.)
The truth, my dear friends, is that this is just another of the calculated and evil moves by Nebraska's resident bogeyman.
No, no, not Barry Alvarez. He is just a pawn in the sinister plot. A plot to destroy Nebraska football.
Let's start with the "official" description of the conspirator:
Lil' Red is one of two mascot at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln's athletics teams. Lil' Red is the newest mascot being created for the 1993 season to appeal younger Husker fans and Nebraska Women's Volleyball by Dr. Barbara Hibner after a state wide contest. He can be seen on the sidelines of a Nebraska football game at Memorial Stadium, at the Bob Devaney Sports Center during basketball games and volleyball games.
Clearly linking Lil' Red to volleyball is just a smoke-screen, designed to make us chase down the efforts of John Cook to bring down football. Those are just small potatoes. While it is suspicious that volleyball could afford such nice facilities, that probably has more to do with volleyball being inherently awesome and less to do with violent, anti-football conspiracies.
No, no, we must ignore the red-herring. Here is the PROOF that Lil' Red is pure evil:
Nebraska's mascots are two of the most popular figures around the community, as well as the state, and the pair usually generate quite a bit of energy wherever they appear.
Why would energy form?
Let's take a look at what happens when matter and anti-matter collide:
Matter-antimatter reactions are 1,000 times more powerful than the nuclear fission produced in nuclear power plants and 300 times more powerful than nuclear fusion energy.
This OBVIOUSLY indicates that Lil' Red and Herbie act as matter and anti-matter.
We know that Herbie Husker is meant to represent agricultural workers and the general public, the good and hard-working sort.
So if Herbie is good, and a collision of Herbie and Lil' Red results in energy, obviously Lil' Red is evil.
I know, I know. You're wondering how the athletic department could condone such evil lurking in their hallowed halls.
I'll tell you how.
Lil' Red has driven every one of the administrators at Nebraska crazy and made them do their bidding.
I know you're saying "but if he's trying to destroy Nebraska football, why would we win three national titles right after his introduction?"
The same reason drug dealers give the good stuff the first time, my friends.
Let the public associate you with good things, and you can never do any wrong.
No, no. Lil' Red's campaign began in earnest when he compelled Osborne to promise Solich that he would retire, thus setting in motion almost twenty years of drama and hardship.
Now, there's very little evidence of any of this. Lil' Red operates alone and has learned from decades of NCAA violations to never, ever write anything down. There is no money trail because Lil' Red operates by intimidation.
But here are crimes that I'm sure can be linked back to Lil' Red:
- Hacked the BCS to send Nebraska to be humiliated by Miami
- Stood outside Steve Pederson's house every night until he fired Solich
- Prank-called every coach on Pederson's list, convincing them that they'd won a free cruise but it means they can't take a new job this year
- Convinced Cosgrove that defense is about allowing lots of yards at the worst times and that you should totally put a five-foot-six corner on a six-foot-two receiver
- Convinced Yes Man to film in Nebraska and gave Jim Carrey a corn cob hat
- Organized tutoring sessions for Tommy Lee
- Inhabited the bodies of Texas players to compel them to victory
- Distracted Matt O'Hanlon
- Paid the Big 12 referees off in 2009
- Sold state secrets to Wisconsin
- Called Barry Alvarez every day for a year to get a trophy made
- Convinced Alvarez that there's a rivalry between Nebraska and Wisconsin
- Distracted Nebraska's sideline during Northwestern games
- Distracted Joe Bauserman
- Organized both Capitol One bowls, convincing the bowl reps that the 2013 team from the Big Ten was the "Aksarben Sreksuh"
- Stood behind Bo Pelini whenever Bo was near a mirror, slowly driving him crazy
- Recorded Bo Pelini
- Called a fake punt on the Nebraska 40 yard line
- Stalked secondary coaches, forcing them to flee Nebraska for inferior jobs
- Distracted Nebraska's secondary against BYU
- Stole the game plans for Purdue
- Took control of BTN programming so that it never actually broadcasts sports of interest
- Stuffed the ballot box against Tom Osborne
- Wore a Creighton polo
- Let Iowa win
Quite the list. I'm sure I've missed some (feel free to list them below) but you get the picture: Lil' Red is behind every all of the bad luck. I'm sure of it.
I've stayed quiet as of late because I had hope that bringing in an outsider like President Bounds would work to counteract Lil' Red's machinations, but recent events clearly suggest otherwise.
But now we have hope to bring this monster down. We have a money trail. A paper trail. Lil' Red has slipped up.
How, you ask?
Let's look at some facts:
- Lil' Red was supposedly a creation of the Sign and Shape International group, based out of Omaha.
- The SilverStone Group is based in Omaha.
- Creighton is in Omaha, and Creighton is evil.
Lil' Red got greedy. And now we can link him to all of the evil. For a measly $38,000.
So what now?
Some of you may be distracted by the cuteness or you may try and point out that there's a person inside Lil' Red.
That's all part of the illusion, folks.
You must shake the attachment. Ignore the siren's call.
You know what else comes in a soft, friendly package?
I don't see y'all clamoring for the StayPuft Marshmallow Man.
There's only one solution: it's time to free ourselves of this demon...
Those kids have the right idea, but I fear it has no effect.
Spread the word. There is no grand conspiracy to destroy Nebraska football. There is only Lil' Red.
Together, we can stop his destruction and we can make Nebraska great again!