Big Red Cobcast: Errbody Calm Down

HEY CAN EVERYBODY CALM THE HELL DOWN. IF EVERYBODY COULD JUST BE AS ZEN AS ME AND NOT PANIC OR FREAK OUT; THAT WOULD BE GREAT. I’M DEFINITELY NOT UPSET THAT WE GOT HOUSED BY IOWA. I ABSOLUTELY HAVEN’T THOUGHT ABOUT ENDING EVERYTHING OUT OF EMBARRASSMENT, OR LEAVING MY WIFE AND GIVING UP ON EVERYTHING. LOSING TO IOWA ISN’T THAT BIG OF A DEAL, IT’S NOT LIKE IOWA IS MEDIOCRE - I MEAN, AT LEAST, THE HAWKEYES ARE A PERENNIAL POWERHOUSE THAT DOESN’T SUCK AT FOOTBALL SEASON AFTER SEASON. IT’S NOT LIKE THEIR COACH IS THE MOST OVERPAID PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF PEOPLE OR THEIR PLAYERS ARE THE LEFTOVERS OF THE REST OF THE BIG 10. THANK GOD, BECAUSE COULD YOU IMAGINE HOW EMBARRASSING IT WOULD BE TO LOSE TO A SHITTY IOWA?

HOLY SHIT, GUYS JUST CHILL ALREADY. IT’S NOT LIKE THEY LOST TO AN FCS SCHOOL THIS YEAR OR THAT THEIR UNIFORMS MAKE YOU VOMITY AND DIZZY AND PRONE TO STROKES. IT’S ALSO NOT LIKE IOWA CITY SMELLS LIKE HORSE MANURE HAD VIOLENT SEX WITH A BUCKET OF DEAD MAGGOTS. COULD YOU IMAGINE HOW MUCH IT WOULD SUCK TO LOSE TO A SCHOOL LIKE THAT?

WOAH BUDDY. TAKE A DEEP BREATH. THANKFULLY, HAWKEYE FANS ARE CLASSY. I MEAN HOW DEVASTATING WOULD IT BE TO LOSE TO THEM IF THEIR FANS WERE INBRED, REDNECKS WHO MAKE TOILET WINE EVEN THOUGH THEY AREN’T IN PRISON BECAUSE ANYTHING JAIL RELATED MAKES THEM FEEL MORE AT HOME. OH BOY, AT LEAST THEY DON’T THINK ABOUT THE DRUNK TANK AS A PLACE TO REUNITE WITH ALL THEIR OLD FRIENDS AND RELATIVES. IT’S NOT LIKE HAWKEYE FANS INDULGE IN A SPOT OF CRYSTAL METH EVERY DAY WITH THE MORNING PAPER. JESUS CHRIST, HOW EMBARRASSING WOULD IT BE TO GET HECKLED BY A BUNCH OF TOOTHLESS, RACISTS THAT THINK WHITE IS THE PRETTIEST COLOR.

I’M BEING SARCASTIC. I F$cki*g HATE IOWA!