clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

How To Survive Thanksgiving With Your Iowa Relatives, Friends, Or Neighbor You Haven’t Killed Yet Because It’s Illegal

New, 12 comments

Do you have Iowegians coming over for Thanksgiving? Do you have to go to their house? If so, this article is about how you live through it.

If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.

NCAA Football: Rose Bowl-Stanford vs Iowa Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Corn Nation is considering a name change. We’re thinking of changing the site to Der Wiener Schlinger Illustrated.

We’d have a new motto, too.

“Be Good To Us, And We’ll Schling A Wiener Your Way!”

I like it. It says customer service is our #1 goal, and believe me, our biggest goal here at CornNation is to keep you satisfied and coming back for more. Premium customers will get some extra Oom Pah Pahs.

But enough of that. This article is about how you’re going to deal with the Iowegians in your life. They’re coming over. You’re going over. Either way, you’re all getting together, and when you do that, sooner or later someone’s going to bring up their fandom and THE BIG GAME.

What the hell you gonna do about that?

Give Them The Wrong Location for Thanksgiving Dinner

Years ago, my family told one of my older brothers that we would be having Christmas or Thanksgiving (I forget which, I’m old now) in North Platte at my sister’s house. Instead, everyone went to Lincoln. No one ever told my brother. Imagine him showing up at the door and there’s no one home. He might have felt sad. Or left out.

HAHAHAHA. I don’t care, it’s still funny to this day.

You can do that, too. Hell, these days you can remotely video the look on their face at your door, and then put it on social media.

Book A Hotel

The holidays can be stressful because there can be a whole of people crammed into a very small space. It can be even worse when some of them don’t show on a regular basis. You know who I’m talking about, right?

To alleviate this stress, give everyone a break by booking hotel rooms for your guests. This gives them a place to go when you are tired of them, and them an excuse to leave early.

“Well, I guess we’d better go back to the hotel before get too drunk to drive.”

And poof, they’re gone by 1:30 pm. It’s a great solution for you AND them.

What if you don’t have enough money to book them into a hotel? Pitch a tent. A nice tent, though. Give them cots to sleep on. They should be happy. They’re from Iowa, they’re probably accustomed to this type of accommodations.

Either way, it’s best you don’t let them stay in the house. Febreze won’t hide that smell.

Show Them The Love They Deserve

Maybe I’m too harsh. Maybe it’s because I don’t have to spend Thanksgiving with actual Iowegians. With respect to the idea that I can be so mean because I don’t actually have to do it, I’ll give you some ideas on how you can be nice to the Iowegians, you know, in the spirit of togetherness for the holiday’s sake.

Understand their perspective. Understand that if they’re a native Iowegian that they didn’t chose that fate. They can’t help it they were born in a hellhole full of dumb that’s only not recognized as such because Florida exists.

So show them the respect and love they deserve. It’s not too late for them to learn to use utensils properly, and you can be the one that teaches them. In doing so, they may be in your debt forever, and if nothing else, you can take solace that when they go back to their homeland they will be ostracized completely as the other Iowegians resent their cleverness.

Humor them about Kirk Ferentz’ buyout if they bring it up. Tell them that it’s really not that much money. You don’t really have to come up with things that cost that much - they can’t count very high. $25 million dollars might as well be the same as a new Barcalounger.

“Do you think he’ll be able to buy a Jerome if we fire him?”, they’’ll ask.

“Hell, he could probably buy two of ‘em.”

“Whooooeeeee, that Ferentz is living high off the hog!”

“Sure is.”

Then get them another Busch Light.

Forever Vigilant

Sometimes people don’t mean to take things. Sometimes things just end up in their pockets, or fall into their garbage bags while they’re gathering up “their” things. You don’t want to live with having to mistrust your Iowegian friends, relatives or neighbors, so you might want to be vigilant about not leaving them alone in the house, outside, or anywhere near your stuff.

There are still ways to keep them from taking your valuables if you can’t constantly monitor them. Distracting them with shiny objects is an excellent option. This group of vintage glass ashtrays will do the job. They look old AND expensive, and they’re shiny. Leave them laying around, along with some old electronics and you’re gold.

Going There? Don’t

I work with a lot of people who complain about the number of calls they get on their cell phone. They complain that they can never escape work. I give them advice. It’s simple. DON’T ANSWER YOUR PHONE UNLESS YOU KNOW WHO’S CALLING.

If you’re going to Iowa, or going to an Iowegian’s home for Thanksgiving, there are about three or four thousand excuses you can use to not go:

  • Your car broke down
  • You are sick and you don’t want to infect others
  • You are working a new quantum vacuum virtual plasma-based engine for NASA and you’ll be damned if you’re stopping for a holiday (saying “quantum” confuses everyone, not just Iowegians)
  • The neighbors called and your goddamn cows are in their corn again
  • You were cleaning your .270 just after rifle season and accidentally shot off that toe next to the big one, you know, the long one that doesn’t have a name

If these excuses seem somewhat rednecky, it’s because Nebraskans and Iowegians aren’t all that different. Iowegians won’t question these excuses. They’ll just go with them. Maybe they’re not so bad. Maybe if we just listened more and loved more, they wouldn’t be so awful....

Oh, who am I kidding? Them damned Iowegians. We should invade and take the land and drive them into Mizzouri where they belong! Black and Gold wearing bastards, it’s not like they’d even have to change clothes!