Comrades! You have been selected for special duty in Madison, Wisconsin, in an effort to provide external support to our valiant Cornhuskers as they attempt to eliminate the dreaded ditch weasels from supremacy of the Western territories. While many of you are seasoned veterans from our Iowa campaigns, the State Department wishes for me to pass along some advisories for travel to Wisconsin, as many legends persist. They would like to address some misconceptions and myths and provide additional guidance:
The region in which Madison resides is well known for their production of dairy-related products. The State Department has issued an advisory about the consumption of the small rubbery balls of cheese known as “Wisconsin crack”, or by its marketing name, “cheese curds”. Do not be fooled by the size of these food products. Symptoms of crack consumption include bloat, gas, and constipation. Fried Wisconsin crack is particularly dangerous. While consumption of fried foods and alcohol typically have a laxative effect, deep-fried Wisconsin crack has the opposite effect. The State advises against consumption of this particular food item without prior planning. Always use the buddy system and keep a list of local lavatories for immediate emergency deposits. It also warns against purchasing Wisconsin crack and encourages comrades to stock up on Runzas for the trip.
Be aware that Madison was constructed on what is essentially a sandbar. This was intentional, as Wisconsin drivers are terrible. To protect themselves, Madison built their village to be impervious to cars. On days in which the gladiatorial contests occur, be aware that many parking lots are converted into ditch weasel congregation areas. There may be designated locations for the congregation of Cornhuskers; please contact our local underground resistance units for additional information. As before, the State recommends utilizing the buddy system.
When encountering the locals, be aware that not all of them are ditch weasels. To identify a ditch weasel, understand that they will appear inebriated at all times. A proper ditch weasel has a low tolerance for alcohol despite the locals’ penchant for deep fried Wisconsin crack. A single can of Natty Light is sufficient to reveal a ditch weasel. Science is unclear as to how this effect occurs, but rest-assured, the transformation of a previously high-functioning individual into a ditch weasel has been scientifically confirmed by our top scientists. Our best scientists are currently working on possible cures, but we fear the local population has been lost. We advise caution in these situations.
Be aware that once drunk, a ditch weasel can continue to consume alcohol for a period of three hours before succumbing to their condition. They will become belligerent and pretend their Badgers are the greatest team since Rutgers in the 1800s. The best approximation would be a combination of the locals encountered in the Missouri and Colorado campaigns. The State Department advises all comrades to be careful in engaging these individuals. All children and hand-bags must be secure at all times, as ditch weasels cannot distinguish between them and garbage cans.
If you encounter a smiling ditch weasel, it is recommended that you leave the area immediately, as the individual is likely to expel unsavory things from their mouth or potentially release gases from their immediate posteriors.
In the event a ditch weasel engages you about the quality of Nebraska, it is important to understand that many ditch weasels think football started in the 2000s. Possible retorts could include:
- Asking how much it cost for Barry Alvarez to Xerox 1970 Nebraska.
- Asking about the history of the ditch weasels and their national campaigns, and how many of those yielded internationally recognized overall victories. (The answer is none because while the ditch weasels could sometimes bumble into regional supremacy, their victories do not translate on a global scale.)
- Wondering out loud when Barry Alvarez will stop pretending he isn’t the head coach of the ditch weasels, much like the administrator Putin pretends he isn’t a dictator.
- Asking how much the ditch weasels pay Microsoft to prevent the software company from removing Word Art from their Office products.
- Reference Coach Alvarez’ penchant for being a cheapskate.
- Tell them that you admire the Stanford Band.
The most effective response is to light-heartedly agree with their outrageous statements. Be aware that many references to the great routs of our valiant Cornhuskers under the previous regime will be bandied about. Unfortunately, we have no defenses for this, but the Cornhuskers shall prevail and such frivolities will be a thing of the past.
The State Department also advises all comrades to wear their red regalia, rather than white or (for those misguided individuals who insist on it) black. An inebriated ditch weasel cannot distinguish between Ns and Ws and is less likely to identify you as a foreign dignitary than simply another ditch weasel. Use this camouflage to your advantage. Be safe, be vigilant. Wear red.
The State Department also wishes to inform all comrades that Melvin Gordon is no longer in the ranks of the ditch weasels and can no longer hurt you. The State Department advises cautious optimism in regards to defeating the ditch weasel’s ground game.
Many comrades have spoken in awe about the ditch weasels’ curious tradition known as the “hop around like a five year old on sugar” dance following the third quarter of action. Please understand that this is actually a public safety function. The ditch weasels will single out anyone unable to perform this sophomoric dance for immediate removal and elimination. Please be advised that the State Department encourages all comrades to engage in this frivolity as a means of evading capture.
The gladiatorial coliseum in which this contest shall occur is known as Camp Randall. Randall was a government official who attempted to use the “hop around” dance to identify and eliminate ditch weasels. The coliseum itself was built to contain the ditch weasels to a single location. Unfortunately, by concentrating the ditch weasels in a single location, they were able to overcome the government. In the (dis)honor of Randall, the stadium was named after him. It continues to attract ditch weasels from all over, much to society’s dismay.
The “hop around” dance also signals the time of departure for most young ditch weasels, as they leave the confines of the stadium to pursue additional alcohol. Allow these ditch weasels to leave in peace. Be aware that these younger ditch weasels tend to have particularly foul dispositions and should be avoided as much as possible. Older ditch weasels have attempted to correct their vulgar natures, but the young ditch weasels cannot be controlled.
Upon completion of the contest, the ditch weasels’ band will then continue to play, much like the orchestra on the Titanic. The State Department sees no problems with listening, as you’re unlikely to be able to travel anywhere for a period of time as the ditch weasels are slower at departing their stadium than our own comrades upon departing the confines of our beloved Memorial Stadium.
The State Department recommends extreme caution to all comrades considering visiting the State Street. This section of the local enclave is particularly rancid and full of poor behavior. Please keep your wits about you. Understand that on Saturday night, the young ditch weasels will be engaged in a pagan festival of drinking and revelry. It may be difficult to identify the ditch weasels as they will be wearing disguises. Please travel in groups if you chose to travel in this area.
If you can find redeemable ditch weasels, please remain in their company and report them to our scientists for further study.
This concludes the advisory for this weekend’s contest.
Remember the Five Year Plan:
- Annihilate the West
- Annihilate the B1G
- Annihilate the country
- Annihilate the country again
- Annihilate the country again because any backwards progress is considered treason.
We are close to achieving the first step, comrades. Be vigilant, be safe, and remember, GO BIG RED.