It's that time of the year. Football is close to coming back, and the Media Days part of the act is finishing up.
The Big Ten Conference Media Days kicks off tomorrow through Friday in Chicago. While we won't be there due to budgetary and time constraints, we have made this list of questions that we would ask each B1G Head Coach and the Commissioner.
B1G Commissioner Jim Delany
You've been in competition with Mike Slive for years...any chance you're retiring?
Do you think we’ll ever return to an age when conferences have the same number of teams as their name suggests they might have?
Do you think we could get through this without you mentioning the Rose Bowl?
Since freshman ineligibility got shot down like a computer science major at a college bar, are you thinking of trying sophomore ineligibility?
How much money does the Big Ten have to have before they form their own army?
How long till we make Penn State vs. Rutgers live from Newfoundland a thing?
Urban Meyer, Ohio State
Did you hire Tim Beck because you wanted to give other teams a chance to beat you this year?
How many points are enough against that team up north?
Is it true you’ve put tracking collars on your quarterbacks while you’re here at Media Days?
With the success of the lawsuit against EA Sports, are you considering action against Blizzard Software for misappropriation of your image and likeness as Dark Lord of the Underworld?
Jim Harbaugh, Michigan
WHAT’S YOUR DEAL?
So, is there any question I can ask you that won’t get a psychotic glare in return?
Do you wear Khaki’s because you’ve become too pudgy for today’s jeans?
As there has been a void left behind with the departure of Bret Bielema, has anyone yet stepped up and taken on a physical countenance that allows reporters to begin sentences about him, "The ruddy and gin-soaked looking head coach of (insert school here) answered questions about…"?
What’s your personal over/under before you figure you’ve been too grating for Michigan Man to tolerate and you’re heading to somewhere like Clemson or Texas? Three years a safe line?
Mark Dantonio, Michigan State
Who makes a better Lasagna, you or Izzo?
Now that Urban Meyer has won another national title, this time as Ohio St.’s head coach, what is the most expensive inanimate object you destroyed in the wake of his success?
How frequently do you scan your office for listening devices?
Did you giggle or just grin when Art Briles gave you a woe is us speech during Cotton Bowl week last year?
James Franklin, Penn State
You seem like a great recruiter, but your teams don’t seem to perform to the level of the recruits, have you ever heard of Bill Callahan?
Did you come here just to get a selfie with Urban Meyer and Jim Harbaugh?
Did you change your practices so your offensive lineman will no longer be blocking each other this season?
How big will the expectations come for you at Penn State when, one year, you lose less than 4 games on your schedule?
No names on the back of the jerseys this year huh? Where are you putting the statue next year?
Darrell Hazell, Purdue
Are you supposed to be here?
Seriously, is Purdue a real school?
Is it a positive to have people compliment you on the strides your program is making despite winning only one conference game? Or do you sit around like Mel Gibson at the beginning of Lethal Weapon 1, just crying with a gun in your mouth?
How many bags do you get to check in when you and the players fly US Airways back to West Lafayette today? Can the school at least bump you to first class, or do they require you to voluntarily give up your seat so they can make the voucher back?
Kyle Flood, Rutgers
That Julie Hermann is a real firecracker, huh?
Have you ever considered not telling recruits that your school is in New Jersey?
Pretty cool having a distinguished alumnus like Ray Rice recruiting for you, eh sir?
Did you know how far away Nebraska is from New Jersey when you took the job?
Tim Beckman, Illinois
You’re actually taking questions?
How's Illinois basketball going to be this year?
What kind of qualities are you looking for in your successor?
Define hope. The tell us how it applies to your football team this season.
Explain how "Heart of Dallas Bowl or Bust" is motivating your team through summer workouts.
Paul Chryst, Wisconsin
Are you looking forward to when the Oregon State job opens up in a couple of years?
When and how will you kill your admissions guy?
Has Barry Alvarez given you a copy of the 2015 play book yet?
Has Bo Ryan told you how you’re going to be replaced when he finally leaves in April?
Talk to us about the struggle of being a Budweiser man in a state with both Miller products and Spotted Cow.
Pat Fitzgerald, Northwestern
Do you remember when you played for Northwestern and they were good?
What do you think about a Hot Dog just being a sandwich?
Is your seat hot, and if so, would they actually fire you and replace you with native son Marc Trestman?
How hard have you tried to get Kris Bryant to play QB for you this year?
Have you let your kids think about school work yet this year? Or you just tuning out distractions like that and, ya know, college life?
Kirk Ferentz, Iowa
How do you still have a job?
Can we see the pictures you are using to extort the president of U of Iowa and keep your job?
Who will be the next overhyped Iowa offensive lineman who gets drafted in the first round and never lives up to his billing?
Are you ever tempted just to give some of the cash back? Out of guilt?
Are you still coaching like it’s 1999 or did that only last a few weeks?
That’s Football, amirite?
What's your vision here of out recruiting the MAC this season, and have you sent thanks to Bo Pelini for not competing with you this year?
How's it feel to know that Shawn Eichorst evaluated your program and came to a conclusion more thorough than Gary Barta ever has the last 36 months?
What’s your vision of the offense now that you ran Jake Rudock out to have CJ Beathard throw your 5-yard slants and outs, especially on 3rd and 8?
Randy Edsall, Maryland
Man, you sure did great at UConn. What happened?
Wait, What? You Maryland is in the Big Ten? What the hell is Delaney thinking?
Are there are studies in progress to evaluate how much blindness your uniforms may cause over long term exposure?
Jerry Kill, Minnesota
Did you know your last name means "river" in Dutch?
Which takes longer to clean out of your teeth, chicken or pork?
Can you explain how your agent got free Dairy Queen into your contract? And which is better for breakfast, Cheesecake Blizzards or a Peanut Buster Parfait?
Kevin Wilson, Indiana
How's Indiana basketball going to be this year?
Why did you decide to get rid of your mustache a few years ago? Why did you decide to grow one in the first place?
Who are you?
Tell us about all the exciting ways that Tom Crean has not only blamed you for losses, but pinned the "processing" of his players on the Football team?
Mike Riley, Nebraska
Do you need a place to stay? A hot meal? A friend to hang out with?
Will you come to one of my shows?
Have you and James Taylor ever been in the same room? Can we have some evidence if so?
My God, we admire you. Just sit there beaming & we’ll make up some incredibly optimistic shit you said.
Please say "Not prudent at this juncture".
How has the fan base taken to satellite camps and not just settling for MAC recruits?