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SHOCKING: SEC ACCUSES BIG TEN OF PLANTING WEAPONIZED “SLOW”

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Skanky. The Name is Skanky.
Skanky. The Name is Skanky.
Kelly Lambert-USA TODAY Sports

Shocking development from SEC Media Days, as SEC Commissioner Greg Skanky announced that several vials of what has been determined to be weaponized SLOW was found at satellite camps run by Big Ten schools. Skanky went on to say that this was evidence the Big Ten had other means by which to deliver the weapon, including Chik-Fil-A sandwiches, trained raccoons and online video games involving dragons.

Accused of being slower than everyone for years, the Big Ten conference has a noted advantage in understanding the phenomenon and according to a SEC biogernerntics expert, the SLOW they’ve found is more virulent than other SLOW they’ve seen in the past.

Alabama head coach Nick Satan had plenty to say about the Big Ten’s alleged dastardly deed.

"I have in my hand a vial of what the Big Ten intended to give any recruits that attended Big Ten satellite camps who clearly were not going to Big Ten schools."

He then threw a vial of an unknown substance onto a table, which shattered, much to the shock of old media reporters nearby who were more acquainted with SLOW than they like to admit.

Satan continued, "The Big Ten came here to our land, to SEC territory, and intended to infect our children with something so evil."

Satan went so far as to blame Alabama’s loss to Ohio State on the SLOW.

" Ohio State didn’t win the last championship. They didn’t beat us without help. There is no way Ezekiel Eliott is that fast.Someone at Ohio State slowed us down to Big Ten speed. Maybe they shot us with gamma rays or something.... "

NCAA Football: SEC-Media Day Nick Satan at the podium

Nick Satan - not a happy guy these days

Shanna Lockwood-USA TODAY Sports

Sources say Arkansas coach Bert Enema suspected something and tipped off SEC Conference headquarters and other conference head coaches to be on the lookout. Enema further stated, "There were rumors they were working on FAT when I was at Wisconsin, but I had no idea that conference would stoop this low."

The Big Ten is expected to announce their discovery of SEC weaponized "DUMB", which has been created to make it difficult for any potential SEC recruit to get accepted academically at a Big Ten school.