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It's A New Nebraska Era: Swearing Isn't Dadgum Cool Anymore

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That's a whole lotta peace right there in the sky.
That's a whole lotta peace right there in the sky.
Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

Reports are coming in from across the state of Nebraska that there's more than just a coaching change going on. There's a new sweetness in the air. Nebraskans can feel it, sense it, breath it in. Cars are getting better gas mileage, the guns are on target more often and the chickens are laying more eggs than ever.

"I first noticed it in April, down at the coffee shop on Main", stated Hemingford resident Joan Weatherby. "The old men, they were saying things like 'gee whiz' and 'gosh golly' instead that other filth they've been spewing for the past few years."

Fifth grade math teacher Donald Reagent noted that towards the end of this school year, "the playground was a lot more family friendly than it's been in a while" and children were using "please" and "thank you" in the lunch lines. "It's like a revolution", said Reagent, "like a revolution of fresh air."

Dan Warner used to become very agitated when his neighbor Jim Hebner parked his Ford F-150 on his side of the street.

"Last year I probably would have punched his lights out", which is somewhat of an understatement since last November Warner threatened Hebner with physical violence and police were called to break up the altercation in which both men "threw every piece of bad language you could possibly think of" at each other according to Papillion Sergeant Scott Knight.

"He (Hebner) did the same thing a couple weeks ago, and I just went over and nicely asked him to not do that anymore. It helped I had two cold beers in my hand, one for him, but we sat down and had a nice long conversation. He ain't gonna park on my side of the street and we're gonna go fishing together next weekend."

Even the animals are affected.

Mrs. Amy Bimpleford has noticed that her pets have changed roles just recently.

"Mrs. Whiskers and Keith have never gotten along." (Keith is a Rottweiler).

"It was always contentious. Mrs. Whiskers would growl and hiss whenever Keith came near, and Keith would snap at her. But just this morning, I saw Mrs. Whiskers licking Keith's ear. What is up with that?"

A little more Ned Flanders. A little less Homer Simpson. A little more Ward and June Cleaver, a little less Peter and Lois Griffin.

There are a few that aren't all that excited about the change. Jon Johnston, manager of a Huskers web site and noted asshole, responded, "Great. Everyone's being nice to each other. What the fuck am I gonna do now?"