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50 Shades Of Mike Riley: Your Valentine's Day Will Never Be The Same

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You've heard of 50 Shades of Grey.

Next comes the sequel:

50 Shades of Mike Riley

Just when you thought it was safe. Just when you thought you'd put your relationship back together.

A man so nice he distorts reality. He buys flowers. He opens doors. He does the dishes and the laundry. He takes out the trash and he's actually interested in your Aunt Mary's latest trip to the nail salon. He doesn't clean up after guy's night because he never has a guy night.

He'll watch a romantic movie instead of the basketball game, he'll clean the cat boxes, and he does all of this without complaining. He probably got married during football season.

All the while you're watching, you're thinking:

WHAT A BASTARD.

It gets worse. He's good in public.

He turns off his cell phone before the movie. He takes the front row in yoga class. He offers to bring home your neighbor's plants from the gardening center in his Prius. He rescues lost kittens on his bicycle.

And he doesn't even send an angry message to John Papuchis. He has words of encouragement for everyone he meets.

Perhaps most terrifying thing of all:

HE LISTENS.

Mike Riley might be the most dangerous thing to your relationship EVER.

What early previewers have to say about the movie:

"All this does is leave women with unrealistic expectations of a relationship. I assure you many marriages will be destroyed because of it." - Dr. Phil Hartman.

"It leaves you believing there's only one real nice man in the universe." - Mary Trautwig, USA Today

"What is this guy a robot?" - Some guy on reddit\cfb
"Okay, some parts were believable. But nobody can really listen like that. Nobody." - Dale, Wynot

"I'm leaving my husband when I get home." - Mary, Bellevue
"I left mine in the theater." - Cindy, Bellevue
"50 Shades of Mike Riley destroyed my marriage!" - bewildered guy in theater, Bellevue

"I'm gonna go find me a Mike Riley!!!!" - Your girlfriend/wife/partner