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Statement from CN Director of Propaganda - Cobby

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Corn Nation's helpful mascot offers his version of what today's 'statement of support' should have said.

YOLO CORN NATION! I'M BAAAACK.

I THINK I DIED AND WENT TO KANSAS. I MEAN, HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN LOSING TO ILLINOIS, NORTHWESTERN, AND PURDUE IN THE SAME SEASON? IT MAY SEEM HOPELESS AND EMBARRASSING BUT THAT'S WHERE I COME IN BITCHES! IF ANYONE KNOWS EMBARRASSING IT IS A MENTALLY UNSTABLE COB OF CORN THAT ENJOYS CONSOLING DEPRESSED CHICKS AFTER LOSING FOOTBALL GAMES. BUSINESS HAS BEEN GOOD - IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

BUT IF THERE IS A BRIGHT SIDE TO GETTIN' BOATRACED BY PURDUE IS THAT YOU CAN LOOK FORWARD TO THE INEVITABLE "STATEMENT OF SUPPORT" FROM THE ATHLETIC DIRECTOR! THIS HAS TO BE GOOD READIN', RIGHT? WRONG! DID YOU SEE WHAT WAS RELEASED TODAY?!? IT WAS ALL POSITIVE AND NOT AN EXCLAMATION POINT TO BE FOUND!!! WHO CAN TAKE THAT SERIOUSLY?!?

BEING' THE HELPFUL SORT O' CORN I AM, I SCORED SOME OF THAT PURPLE PASSION STUFF THE KIDS ARE ALL TALKIN' ‘BOUT AND GOT GOOD AND INSPIRED. YEAH, WE'LL GO WITH INSPIRED. HERE YA GO FOLKS! HERE IS THE STATEMENT OF SUPPORT OUR AD SHOULDA WRITTEN..

"GREETINGS FROM THE B1G WEST BASEMENT. I WANTED TO ADDRESS ALL THE HYSTERIA AND PANIC BEFORE SOMEONE WRITES AN ARTICLE SAYING I SHOULD BE REPLACED WITH CODY GREEN.

COACH RILEY IS ENTHUSIASTIC, HARD-WORKING, AND EXTREMELY POSITIVE. I CONSIDER IT A PRIV-LEDGE TO WORK IN THE SAME BUILDING AND SUPPORT HIM 100%. EVEN WHEN I WRITE THAT RIDICULOUS CHECK TO OUR ‘SPECIAL TEAMS' COORDINATOR EVERY MONTH, I JUST TELL EVERYONE IT IS A SMALL PRICE TO PAY TO MAKE SURE SAM FOLTZ AND DREW BROWN HAVE CLEAN TOWELS AT PRACTICE. I MEAN THAT MUST BE WHAT HE DOES - RIGHT?!?!?

COACH RILEY'S INNOVATIVE OFFENSIVE AND DEFENSIVE SCHEMES  HAVE GREATLY ENHANCED THE VALUE OF NEBRASKA ATHLETICS. INCOMPLETE PASSES AND SCORING BY THE OTHER TEAM MEAN LONGER GAMES, WHICH MEAN MORE TIME OUTS AND MORE COMMERCIALS!!! MORE MONEY FOR EVERYONE!!! IN FACT, WE'RE ALREADY TWO MONTHS AHEAD OF SCHEDULE IN PAYING OFF THAT LAST BASTARD. OUR IT DEPARTMENT ALSO APPRECIATES THAT THEY DON'T HAVE TO BLOCK ALL THOSE EFF BOMBS IN OUR MAIL SERVERS THIS SEASON, THOUGH A FEW OF YOU  HAVE TRIED TO SNEAK SOME PAST US. AS MUCH AS WE'D LIKE TO SPELL JASON PETER AS JASON PFTFR, IT JUST DON'T FLOW OFF THE TONGUE AND [CENSORED BY EDITOR].

OK BACK TO THE MAIN TOPIC. HUSKER FOOTBALL IS IN A GOOD PLACE. RIGHT NOW I AM IN A QUIET, UNDISCLOSED PLACE WHERE EVEN THE MOST RICHEST BOOSTERS CAN'T EVEN FIND ME. (HAHA! IT'S ACTUALLY MY OFFICE- BUT NO ONE EVER NOTICES I'M HERE!!! ) THIS IS THE PART WHERE I SHOULD TALK ABOUT STAYING THE COURSE AND CONTINUING TO SUPPORT OUR FINE STUDENT ATHLETES, BUT Y'ALL KNOW WHAT I REALLY MEAN IS "KEEP SENDING THOSE DONATION CHECKS"!!!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION AND FOR MAKING ME DEPENDENT ON NEBRASKETBALL GETTING BACK ON TRACK TO SAVE MY ASS. KEEP BUYIN' THOSE TICKETS!!!"