Mike Riley Press Conference: A Live and Possibly Uncensored Running Diary

A few weeks ago, I got to document Bo Pelini's introductory press conference at Youngstown State. I thought it might be fun to give it a shot with bizarro Pelini, Mike Riley. Coach Riley introduced his staff today, and suffice it to say, there is less of a need for a snarknado warning. More of a snarknado watch.

0:00: Much like Bo Pelini's press conference, I didn't get to watch this one live. But I heard part of it on the radio, so it already feels more real. Let's see if the added element of seeing Mike Riley makes what I heard even better. Alright, Coach. You're up, you silver fox.

0:03: Someone get that man some sleeves that fit. For God's sake, he's the friggin' head coach! NOTE: This diary will have significantly fewer swear words than the Bo Pelini one. It just doesn't feel right swearing when talking about Coach Riley. It's like cussing in front of your grandmother.

0:05: What I love about Mike Riley is this: for someone known as a press conference champion, he is surprisingly unpolished. There is no slicked back hair (hell, there is no hair). He is not a real estate agent trying to sell you anything. He talks with all of the bravado of a grain truck driver at your local cafe. And good God, those sleeves!

0:14: "That was exciting and fun to get to do." He sounds like my grandpa describing our yearly trips to Adventureland in Des Moine.

0:26: "One of the most important parts of having a job in college football is the people you surround your team with. It's a big, big deal. It's like one of the most important things going in." I feel like this right now.

0:52: "Some of [the hiring] was rather easy and quick because it's people that I've worked with and know and trust." Mr. Riley, you don't have to tell the Corn Nation commenters. They're accutely aware of how many Oregon State connections are on the staff. I'm with you, though, my man. Lead me!

1:17: "I still have one spot. One chair is open." He even sounds inviting when he's talking about choosing his staff.

1:23: He's got four or five candidates to fill the final assistant coach's position. I hope his sweet little heart doesn't break when he has to inform the guys who didn't get it.

1:36: "I don't know if I mentioned. That's the wide receiver job." Stop it, Coach! The media doesn't need you holding their hands. As long as you don't call them assholes, I think they'll be happy.

1:43: There might be an intern's position available. Hey Coach, I've had plenty of years interning at a lot of different places. The Nemaha County Herald. KNCY-FM. The Winston-Salem Warthogs. I've interned like no other. I've got credentials!

2:00: I love Mike Riley, but he sure is boring. When does he start making cracks about Oregon State?

2:07: Oh, he's mentioning Bo Pelini! Here comes the pain!

2:10: What was that? A compliment? Gotta step your game up, Coach. Say something to get me a little more worked up.

2:57: SPRING BALL!

2:59: A CALENDAR!!! Hot damn, I'm getting excited!

3:07: Those sleeves, though. Doesn't Huskers Authentic have sizes for 61-year-old dudes?

3:37: He's now describing every phase of the offseason. Every. Single. Phase. And I'm still captivated.

4:00: He got all of the assistant coaches a table of their own so the media could talk to them. It's like parent-teacher conferences. I'm picturing Tom Shatel checking to see how little Dirk Chatelain is doing in math class.

4:20: He's going to introduce all of the staff members. Everybody gets their shining moment.

4:23: Except you, interns! PSYCH!

4:27: Yep, he's going through all the staff members.

4:49: Maybe not. We can't find Trent Bray. Where in God's name is Trent? WE'VE LOST TRENT BRAY!

4:54: Oh, there's Trent.

5:13: Something funny happened when he introduced Mike Cavanaugh. But I don't know what it was! This one-camera thing is torture! Was it just some sort of fat-guy crack? Did Cav rip a huge fart? Did he give Steve Sipple a noogie? What the hell happened?

5:14: Coach Riley does his best impression of Dana Carvey doing an impression of George H.W. Bush. And it's spot on.

5:55: Coach gets asked if there's one common denominator in all of his staff members. He wants to know if he can list two common denominators. TWO! That's it, Mike Riley might be getting out of control.

6:04: He says his coaching philosophy is based on a "long story" that he won't bore us with.

6:24: "We all have to have one vision. They have to get it. And frankly, if they don't get it, they don't work here."

7:43: He finally completes the long story that he wasn't going to tell. And to be honest, I was completely unbored.

7:45-10:15: He's saying a lot of nice things about his assistants. Some really cool things too. But I'll be honest. Coach is lulling me to sleep just a bit.

10:20: "You have to adapt to the people you have." That woke me up! Can I throw this back out there?

13:23: "I appreciate the expectations and the interest. I can tell you it's way better than the other way."

15:50: The fiery finish continues! When asked whether he considered more guys with Nebraska ties, Coach gets as wound up as it appears he can get, saying he was hiring the best guys and guys who will make the state and the university proud.

I'll be honest. There isn't quite the blow-by-blow at the end because I started to get increasingly captivated. I've been swooning over Coach Riley for a while now, but he started to show a little fire beneath that grandfatherly surface at the end. I'm all in. Let the Mike Riley era begin. Long live the man with the long sleeves!