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An Open Letter To Carl Pelini

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Pat Janssen shares some words of wisdom with everyone's favorite coaching wild card.

Bruce Thorson-USA TODAY Sports

Dear Carl,

I understand you are seeking employment. As someone who has been on the unemployment line multiple times, allow me to commiserate. And heck, maybe I could offer a bit of advice.

It's a bummer right now. You get the pink slip, and your first thought is, "holy crap, I can actually cash a few months of company-issued checks, chill out, catch up on those three seasons of Mad Men I missed, and just be an all-around cool dude." I was there.

I was also there several months later when I started feeling like a depressed waste of space and started talking with the same vocal inflection as the yellow M&M. I can feel it radiating from you, Carl. You're there. I took that feeling, sucked it up, and accepted the first retail job that came my way. But you don't have to do this, Carl. You're better than this. Coaching high school football IN IOWA?! Where is your sense of pride? Where is that Pelini bluster?

But I already know you've made up your mind. And I understand that, as well. While working with kids 10 years my junior was a dent in my pride, I ultimately felt better working. And I know this is where you are, too. But you should probably put a little more thought into this next move.

You know that old saying, "don't shit where you eat?" You should definitely take that under consideration. Or more specifically, don't eat where you shit. Or more specifically yet, don't eat where you've gag vomited after a two-day drug binge. I've done some stupid things in my life. I once drunkenly peed on a guy's BMW. We've all done it. But you know what I didn't do? Apply for a job at that guy's business. I also didn't apply for any jobs in that community.

Allow me to phrase it a little differently. You know that feeling you have when you want to approach a girl and you haven't done 16 lines of coke off a one-legged Miami stripper's back? That "oh my gosh, what is she going to think of me" awkwardness that takes hold? I used to have that all the way through high school and even into college. Eventually, when I wanted to meet the future Mrs. Person-who-wouldn't-actually-take-my-last-name-because-we're-feminists-damn-it, I realized I was going to have to branch out from my home area. We all have flaws and weaknesses. Sometimes we grow out of them, and other times we don't. But all of the women who grew up with me and knew me as the drama nerd who wore orange sneakers and was constantly getting biology-book-inspired-erections in class were going to forever know me as the drama nerd who wore orange sneakers and was constantly getting biology-book-inspired-erections in class, so I knew I would need to reach outside of my community.

If you try and make a living in the Midwest or Florida, it's just going to be awkward for everyone involved. And if there's one thing you need right now, it's a shot of confidence. Then we can get that ol' dick-swinging Carl back that everyone knows and loves.

So get out of town. Ignore those old community members. Find yourself. Put us in your rearview mirror and make a better life for yourself. If you want to coach high school football, coach high school football. Just do it somewhere where they don't know you. Somewhere like, say, New Hampshire. And hey, there's no income tax in the Granite State, so there's even more money for strippers and blow!

All my best,


Pat