September 9th - Lincoln, Nebraska - Professors at the University of Nebraska Department of Environmental Health and Safety held a press conference today to call attention to what they fear is an imminent environmental disaster that has the potential to destroy large sections of the state of Nebraska over the next few months.
Dr. Brandon Weedrun, Professor of Dirt and Grass Studies, and Dr. Lisa Weightgain, Professor Of Organic Smells introduced the theory of metaphorical dead horse beatings (MDHB), a concept they've been studying for the past 15 years.
"Metaphorical dead horse beatings occur when people participate in a discussion that they've already had multiple times on previous occasions. The discussions take the same form each time. Whether the people participating in the discussion are the same is immaterial; it is the content that is the problem.
Weedrun and Weightgain contend that the metaphorical dead horse beatings leave a blotchy brown residue wherever they happen. In urban areas (Omaha and Lincoln) they can cover everything from concrete to window glass while at the same time affecting the taste of water. In the rural areas (most of the state), they can spread out across entire fields. MDHB is not visible at the moment the discussion has ended, but a thin residue settles, glueing itself to its surroundings, then proceeds to rot whatever it's come in contact with.
"We are concerned with the number of metaphorical dead horse beatings occurring across the state of Nebraska. They are reaching astronomical numbers and if they do not stop, the state's environment will be irreparably damaged."
The two professors then offered the following simple graph to show the occurrences of MDHB in the state of Nebraska over the past 14 years:
Dr. Weedrun then offered several pointers on how to avoid MDHB:
- If you're in a conversation about Bo Pelini and the other party brings up Tom Osborne, another past Nebraska football coach, or four losses a year, change the subject to something else, like the weather or the next new car you'd like to purchase.
- If you're the person who's constantly bringing up Tom Osborne or 90s Nebraska football whenever there's a conversation about Nebraska football, please STFU and/or leave. Remember that you are destroying the very state you love.
- You cheated on her or she cheated on you. Either forgive the other person and move on or leave.
- No one gives a damn about your fantasy football team, your favorite brand pickup, tractor, or corn seed.
- Murder isn't a good option, but if the problem is severe enough, action is warranted.
Weedrun noted that the arguments about Pelini and past Nebraska coaches are the main contributors to MDHB.
Sensing no reaction from an uninterested media, Weightgain became agitated, raising her voice, then stating, "You guys don't get it. The state of Nebraska will end up looking like the state of Iowa. Brown everywhere, basically a state completely full of shit stains. Does anybody want that?"
The press conference concluded with Weedrun and Weightgain arguing over the amount of time it would take Nebraska to fill with shit stains. Reporters in attendance noted a brown residue settling on their chairs as they left.