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Big Ten Media Days: What Would The Corn Nation Staff Ask Monday?

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We always get down to the hard hitting stuff here on CN.

USA TODAY Sports

The Big Ten Conference will be staring their Media Days tomorrow morning in Chicago.  All 14 Head Coaches and B1G Commisioner Jim Delany will take the podium and answer questions from a big group of scribes & bloggers about some silly stuff.

Nobody from CN will be making the pilgrimage to the Windy City, but you bet there are things we want to know. Here are our questions for Press Conference Monday.

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B1G Commish Jim Delany

Do you terminate employees who fail on more than one occasion to call you "sir"?

Do you have to pretend to like that creepy wife marionette DirecTV commercial?

Where is the secret cabin?

So, after the Pinstripe Bowl, are you just going to randomly drug test the Maryland Terrapin player that gets Alex Rodriguez’s locker? You know, for residual purposes?

What bothers you less: Questions about funding Maryland’s welfare card, or BTN Baseball coverage?

Tim Beckman, Illinois

When you go home at night, do you rely on binge drinking or just weep uncontrollably?

How are you going to welcome the 39 kids who make up the student section every game? I mean, you could personally make the pizza and deliver it yourself ya know.

So, when you’re 2-4 after Wisconsin (cause Texas State ya know), will you just giggle every 1st and 15th of the month? Or be on your knees hoping you win the lottery?

Kevin Wilson, Indiana

There’s a disproportionately high number of utter weirdos in Indiana. Do you own a handgun?

How many games can you win so that, when you lose the Texas Bowl to Texas Tech or Kansas, you can blame Tom Crean and it will stick?

When you play Gary Pinkel in Columbia, will you match him whelp face for whelp face?

Is the guy who does your helmet/uni combos colorblind? Would be a perfect explanation…

Kirk Ferentz, Iowa

Does not having to produce results with any consistency create a more comfortable situation for a head coach?

The statute of limitations is up. Would you rather a) go back to work for Bill Snyder or b) spend your free time helping artificially inseminate wild turkeys?

When you won against Nebraska last year, did you use all the coupons HyVee staples to the bottom of that trophy? Or did you go YOLO on the steak and mushrooms for Christmas dinner and just go out of pocket CAUSE YOU CAN AFFORD IT HEH HEH HEH.

Have you ever just wanted to take some of your money, put it on a fishing pole, and dangle it in front of Paul Rhodes at a steakhouse whispering "OHH YOU ALMOST HAD IT"?

Randy Edsall, Maryland

Will you be retaining the costume supervisor from To Wong Foo as the Terp’s uniform designer?

Can you be fired for eating turtle soup?

What about Turtle pie? Personally, I really like Turtle pie.

How many times on a normal gameday do you projectile vomit over seeing all those jerseys run by you? And do you avoid things like spaghetti and such to keep from your sinuses being destroyed?

Brady Hoke, Michigan

Which All-american DE candidate do you think stands the best chance of making  a video go viral after he knocks one of your RB’s completely out of his cleats, a la Clowney?

What excites you more - the SI Swimsuit Issue or seeing biscuits & gravy in the hotel’s free breakfast bar in the lobby?

How many more things will Dave Brandon sponsor on you? Will Montgomery Ward be sponsoring your sansabelt slacks that you wear on the sideline?

What are your rankings for Swiss Steak in Minnesota or Michigan? Do they get the vegetables right?

Mark D’antonio, Michigan State

After curb stomping Ohio St. like Ed Norton did the car thief in American History X, could you just kiss the press for treating it as a fluke & acting as if the Buckeyes will totally roll you this year?

When you go to Oregon to take on the ducks, have you thought of taking the chrome helmets so you two teams can just blind the shit out of Mike Patrick and Ed Cunningham?

How many times did you have to tranquilize Narduzzi last year so he wouldn’t chew his arm off after giving up 3 first downs on a drive?

Jerry Kill, Minnesota

Um...hi….nothing from me, thanks.

So, what’s it like to have the second worst team in the stadium you’ll be playing in for the next couple of seasons?

Are you trying to actively trade for Kevin Love still so he can replace Ra’shede Hegeman for you on the DL this season?

What SPF will work on your chromedome when you go to Fort Worth in September to take on TCU? Because September in Texas is still hotter than anytime in Minneapolis…

Pat Fitzgerald, Northwestern

Have you ever been to Misty’s? The Havelock location, not the downtown one. Seriously, you should check it out the next time you’re in town. Switzer loves the place.

Has the administration counseled you not to refer to the Northwestern fan base as "noodles so limp that a case of Viagra couldn’t stand them straight up"?

Are you still pissed off that some of your players want to, ya know, study their homework. I mean, the AUDACITY of them to try to pass classes, ya know. What a waste of that Friday night deadtime when you could have another meeting to go over shit you’ve covered all week, right?

Urban Meyer, Ohio State

Is the space where your soul should be just an empty cavity or is it filled with dog excrement?

(Yeah, I know, but I’d still love to see the look on his face.)

Do you plan to report any former employer schools to the NCAA this year out of pointless spite?

To finish the season, you got lucky against one of the worst offenses in the Big Ten, harpooned by a man and team who you should have destroyed, and then Clempson’ed against Clemson. Did you sleep at all this Spring?

What do tears taste like when they are baked into a Papa John’s pizza in Indianapolis, anyhow? Does it go well with the garlic or pizza dipping sauces?

James Franklin, Penn State

Are you going to be wary of firing your assistants since, in addition to 5028 other things, they now sue for that as well at Penn St.?

Have they told you that, when you go to Ireland to play UCF, that you shouldn’t try to tell everyone about your Lucky Charms?

Coach, you do realize that you’re at a school now that will can your ass if you can do nothing more than go to the Music City and BBVA Compass Bowls, right?

What’s your stance on being judged against cardboard cutouts?

Darrell Hazell, Purdue

How do you get that crease in the bill of your cap? Is it comfortable? It looks uncomfortable.

Did Danny Hope give you the "two envelopes" speech that James Brolin gave Michael Douglas in Traffic?

Who does the school plan on getting to have Ross Ade at least 45% capacity, LivingSocial or Groupon?

Gary Nova, Rutgers

Did they name that TV show on PBS after you? Was your nickname as a kid Super Nova? Get it? Get it? HAHA!

The Rutgers athletic dept. has new standards to which you are likely expected to live up. How do you plan on embarrassing the university this year?

Are you going to just hide out in a casino if AD Hermann calls you into the office for a coaching change? And do you think they’ll just give up looking for you and let you stay another year?

Gary Andersen, Wisconsin

Have fans accepted you despite not being as flushed and ruddy as your predecessor?

Has Sargento approached you in hoping you’ll smile those pearly whites for some good cheese curd sponsorship?

When Alvarez is standing next to you and says "I wouldn’t have done it that way", do you dream of just slugging him with a closed fist or open hand? What about when he says that Bert at least could win the conference?

Bo Pelini, Nebraska

Is this the year you finally make a ref tap out as your players & assistants futilely try to make you release the triangle chokehold which you have locked in?

Care to comment on those Miami job offer rumors?

Any word on those sideline passes for Carl for the FAU game?

When you ask Ross Els what he exactly does for the Punt Return game, what does he tell you? And how fast does your bullshit meter go north when he talks?

Is that microphone hot? Or is it just you?