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2013 Husker Football in Review - Big Lebowski Style

As we wade through the void that is the time between Spring football and turning Florida Atlantic into a pig on a spit, let us reflect on the season that just was. But not too seriously. Let's take it in from the mindset of some amateur bowlers who captivated us with their vulgarity and wit back in 1998. Dude and friends - take it away!

You weren't out of your element, Ronny!
You weren't out of your element, Ronny!
Eric Francis

2013 was a season that could gently be described as all over the map. Brutal losses, last second wins, crippling injuries and finally a win over SEC! SEC! Alcohol was a goddamned necessity not to mention fast feet or a solid lawyer to deal with the resulting post-game behavior. The stress induced by some of these performances caused more than one Husker fan to hit up their pharmaceuticals and storm downtowns and hillbilly town squares in chemically-induced berserker rampages that left property damage, sobbing women and violated livestock in their wake.

Carl P. could always navigate these situations with a mad gleam in his eye but minimal damage; others not so much. The stats and scores themselves have already been pored over and commented on incessantly, so let's review the 2013 season from a more philosophical standpoint. And who better to do that than His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing?

And if you disagree with this approach...well, like, that's just your opinion, man.

(Warning: The Big Lebowski was Rated R. So is this column. Hard R at times. Turn away or hug the blanket, Linus. Your choice.)

Wyoming 37-34
"Nothing is fucked here Dude. Nothing is fucked. They're a bunch of fucking amateurs!"

Well, things certainly seemed fucked after giving up 602 yards to the Cowboys and allowing an almost season-high passing day to the quickly forgotten Brett Smith, neither of whom would face any other teams of particular consequence for the rest of their 5-7 season. The offense was fine as Abdullah, Cross & Newby each saw plenty of carries and Martinez completed 77% of his passes. Cross especially seemed to be a revelation displaying increased speed & agility and showing off a nifty spin move on a touchdown run. Naturally, he would be still be used as a short yardage back the rest of the year.

But on the other side of the ball, things were simply horrific as the youth heavy defense mostly spun in circles. A seemingly safe 37-21 4th quarter lead went to dirt shit late as the Huskers held on for a 3 point victory. Randy Gregory was a lone bright spot as he became the first football player in NCAA history at any level to be flagged for roughing the QB on a sack.

But you know what? Walter Sobchak was right. The defense grew and improved against superior competition as the season wore on. Nothing was fucked here, dude.

Southern Miss 56-13
"You're goddamn right I'm living in the fucking past!"

Two interception returns in the first quarter plus two Martinez TD passes put this one away early. The score gave it the feel of the old days in the 80's & 90's. You know, days when a Nebraska man would wake up red-eyed from the previous night's abuses of proving to all once again that he could hold his mud, by God, take the necessary steps for recovery and start plowing down Elk Creeks again safe in the knowledge that Saturday's opponent would provide no undue stress on the system.

And, hey, Southern Miss' inept offense moved the ball a little, but they only scored 13 points. All defensive problems had been solved and Big Red was more than ready for UCLA, right?

UCLA 21-41
"You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up."

Hundley and them fucked us up. Right to the tune of a 31-0 second half after we took a 21-10 halftime lead. In other words, we flashed the piece and they stuck it up our ass and pulled the fucking trigger 'til it went "click."

Let's just move on.

South Dakota St. 59-20
"Whereas what we have here? A bunch of fig-eaters wearing towels on their heads, trying to find reverse in a Soviet tank. This is not a worthy adversary."

The Blackshirts continued to show warts on their ass by giving up 202 yards rushing to Zach Zenner, but the Jackrabbits were nice enough to bring one of the worst defenses in Div 1-AA (not D1..1-AA) into Memorial. It allowed 645 total yards as well as the incredibly false impression that the Husker passing offense could operate effectively under Armstrong and Kellogg.

Unlike the 17-7 scare of a couple years earlier, SDSU would be thoroughly dominated after jumping to a 17-14 1st quarter lead. They were not worthy.

Illinois 39-19
"No, Donny, these men are nihilists. There's nothing to be afraid of."

The score probably made it sound closer than it was. The D had a another shaky day, but Abdullah led the offense to 521 yards against their second straight terrible defense. Actually, with 20 carries for 225 yards, Ameer did his impression of Arnold in the final scene of Raw Deal where he painted the room red with mob guys and one dirty FBI agent. Come to think of it, it might have been more painless for the Illini if someone had given him an assault rifle.

Purdue 44-7
[holding up a bowling ball] "What the fuck is this?"
"Obviously you're not a golfer."

Or in Purdue's case, holding up a football..
Hey, it turns out that if you play an offense completely devoid of speed, strength, passing ability or an offensive line, your defense will look frigging awesome. I think the Boilermakers were last seen teaming up with Warren against Matt Dillon in "There's Something About Mary".

Minnesota 23-34
"Look, nothing is fucked, here, man."
"Nothing is fucked? The goddamn plane has crashed into the mountain!"

The coaching staff was not fooled by the shoddy QB play in the previous three blowouts. Against Purdue, Kellogg dinked and dunked effectively, but Armstrong was an unmitigated disaster with three picks and a 9.9 QB rating against the non-stellar Boilermaker D. For this reason, Bo trotted out a one-legged Martinez with predictable results. I shelled out $4.99 for the pleasure of listening to this debacle on radio during  a lovely drive to Cedar Rapids, IA. I wasn't driving or I would have aimed for a fucking deer.

Northwestern 27-24
"I do mind, the Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man."

And after that embarrassment, the cherry on fucking top would be another home loss to Northwestern? I don't think so. Thank you, Ameer. Thank you, Jordan Westerkamp.

Michigan 17-13
"So let me make something plain. I don't like you sucking around, bothering our citizens, Lebowski. I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?"

Yeah, horrible game, exciting finish, nice pitch forward on a busted option, we win, Wolverines lose. But basically, I just threw that quote in there because I feel the same way about Michigan that the Malibu police chief feels about The Dude.

Michigan St 28-41
"Look at our current situation with that camel fucker over in Iraq. Pacifism is not something to hide behind."

And the Spartans do not practice or hide behind pacifism. Thank you, Spartans. I could see Urban on the sideline during the B1G title game...down in his sideline wide squat TV pose....the one where the person rocking the squat can only see WR cup bulge and Left Tackle ass....torn between fleeing and faking another heart attack.

Urban holds the rare distinction of being told by the devil..."Seriously, dude. Have some ethics."

Penn St 23-20
"Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski. Condolences. The bums lost. My advice is to do what your parents did; get a job, sir. The bums will always lose. Do you hear me, Lebowski?"

Thank you, Pat Smith. We hardly knew ye.

And this one's for that way too large contingent of Penn St fans who still think JoePa got a raw deal. Guys? It's over. You lose. Here's a hint: The reason the university signed off on the sanctions without a peep? I mean, besides the overwhelming evidence? You had a coach/mayor/local king and admin officials who didn't see the problem in covering up child molesting, abuse and worse. They weren't interested in having investigators start flipping over rocks to see what other rules and laws those guys considered not worth following.

O'Brien and the teams of the last couple of years got things pointed in the right direction. Time to let it go.

Iowa 17-38
"I dropped off the money exactly as per... look, man, I've got certain information, all right? Certain things have come to light. And, you know, has it ever occurred to you, that, instead of, uh, you know, running around, uh, uh, blaming me, you know, given the nature of all this new shit, you know, I-I-I-I... this could be a-a-a-a lot more, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, complex, I mean, it's not just, it might not be just such a simple... uh, you know?"
"What in God's holy name are you blathering about?"

Press conference of the year. My take? Eichorst told some buddies, "I'm clamming up. I just want to see what he'll do."

Gator Bowl
Georgia 24-19
"Darkness warshed over the Dude - darker'n a black steer's tookus on a moonless prairie night. There was no bottom."

At least not until Tommy Armstrong dropped back into the end zone and launched a weather balloon toward midfield. Two Georgia DB's couldn't have stopped to admire it more if it was trailing all the colors of Fruit Loops leading to a pot of gold at the 45. The pair simultaneously decided to poop on the Gator Bowl logo as Quincy Enunwa fielded the mortar launch and strolled untouched for the difference-making 99 yard score.

However, the true darkness will be finding out that next year's Gator Bowl will feature the rubber match of our two 8-4 squads.

So that's it, amigos. And if there was too much cussin' for you, I just have this to add:

"There's just one thing, Dude."

"And what's that?"

"Do you have to use so many cuss words?"

What the fuck you talking about?"

"Okay, Dude. Have it your way."