Over the weekend the Lafayette Journal & Courier, (a newspaper somewhere near Purdue, apparently) published an article stating that Big Ten schools, because of the Big Ten Network, are going to make oodles of money in the next few years.
OODLES OF MONEY.
This is in stark contrast to the mere paltry few millions that were coming into the Husker athletic department just a few short years ago.
As an example - remember back to when Nebraska was in the Big 12? Well, back in 2010-2011, the Husker athletic department expected to make $10-14M for the season. What a crappy conference, right??
Now? We're looking at 2017-2018 when Nebraska will be fully invested, and when the next TV deal comes around for the network, and and it looks like the Husker athletic department will receive $44.5 million in 2017-2018 for the BTN, conference and NCAA distributions.
I asked the CN staff to come up with a list of things they felt would be worthy investments of the bajilions of dollars that will be pouring into the program. Below is their list. I have added some editorial remarks.
- What about an elite unit that "takes care" of anyone who tweets recruits (any time) or the players after a loss?
- A permanent cat-sitter so Bo's cat can be in the locker room during games.
- A permanent Bo-sitter to ensure he doesn't... well...
- A recruiter whose sole job is recruiting the next fro.
- Beer at PBA, Haymarket, or Memorial
- A windfall of millions comes in? You gotta do more than just add a few taps & bribe the unicameral.
- Next to Devaney's, A 30 ft statue of Ozzy with a laser detector that says "We didn't do anything fancy," if someone walks by.
- Star Trek transporters at certain tailgate checkpoints
- Seat ejectors that shove fans to their feet at critical moments. You know, like when we score.
- Along the same lines, voice-activated laser-guided devices that mace any fans who yell, "Down in front"
- Rum fountain
- $20 donation to The Human Fund in the name of all season ticket holders. Money for people. (Editor: I had to look this up. You probably do too?)
- Any other shit with lasers I can think of.
- A DVR for BTN so Nebraska can have games televised on BTN in prime time in November without making the paying fans suffer.
- Quidditch (Editor: We were promised flying cars years ago. Where are they? If we want to replace football with something because it's too dangerous, then this is it. Nebraska needs to start research on this ASAP so we can dominate.)
- A tram running from West stadium to hay market.
- Khaki pants for everyone. EVERYONE (Editor: And bacon? What about bacon for everyone?)
- Put a dome on Memorial Stadium (Editor: Done)
- Helipad right outside the stadium (Editor: for my helicopter. Harvey Perlman would get a free ride any time.)
- An actual Runza and Vals facing outside from the stadium
- In n Out or ChickFilA served in the stadium
- A big walkway over 180 for those that park at Haymarket/PBA and do not wanna get caught up in tailgaters.
- Charging stations for folks to charge their phones at all 4 stadiums
- Expand the stadium to 1.8 million seats. (Editor: OMG, for a moment those were all serious.)
- Clone Tim Miles.
- The Nebraska luge and curling training center. (Someone else: The luge and sled run from the upper deck of East Stadium would be awesome.) (Editor: YES IT WOULD MATT DAMON.)
- Put some decent parking lots out around the North Bottoms for football games.
- A 2 story Runza in the Loop near East Stadium.
- A rooftop section ala near Wrigley Field for all those people that don't want to stand up during the football games.
- A serum to make Jean Peck, in fact, TURN UP.
- Cobby on staff in a full-time job similar in importance to Barney's but with much higher entertainment value
- That war train from Mad Max 3? Bo leads team out of the tunnel driving that.
- 5-star quality hookers for 5-star recruits. For all five years.
- The Devaney statue dispenses free whiskey from its groin on game days. (Editor: And then we would have a shitload of fans in piles in front of it, which is okay because we could just take their tickets, unless they were students... SHIT)
- Wads of singles for all skill position players. New TD celebration - they sprint to opposition cheerleaders & make it rain, Pacman-style, while "Pour Some Sugar On Me" blasts.
- Rescue Detroit. (Editor: Seriously. Someone has to rescue Detroit from itself. Maybe the Nebraska athletic department could just buy all of Detroit and then start over. Ndamukong Suh could be mayor.... No, wait. Maybe that's a curse. Ndamukong Suh should get the fuck out of Detroit and never go back except for game day, you know, when he plays for the Packers and comes back to kick ass and eat a quarterback or two.)