Now that we have accepted our new Prius-driving overlord, it is time to start holding his potential assistant coach hires to really high standards. We need coordinators so good that someone else wants them, but so loyal that they never leave. We need recruiters who can convince teenagers with near-superpowers to spend five years of their life in Lincoln, Nebraska as opposed to staying in a state with beaches and bikini babes.
Could any human really be expected to pull this off?
Nope. that is why the CN staff put our heads together and came up with our list of non-human assistant coaching candidates for Coach Riley.
Ranchbabe: I nominate Watson. Anyone remember the computer that beat every human on the game show ‘Jeopardy'? Admit it--how many of you thought I was nominating Shawn Watson? Seriously, if a computer can be programmed to outthink the smartest humans in the world, we should be able to program the damn thing to never call three passes in a row. This would be the ultimate innovation in football. Nebraska led the way in strength and conditioning. They were the first team to ever have a nutritionist. Big Red innovated the option offense. Now...we will do away with human coordinators altogether. Hire some graduate assistants to carry around the extension cord, and get the best nerds money can buy. I guarantee a national championship.
Husker Mike: Elmo. Never have to worry about him not wearing red on the sidelines, and there will never be any concerns about sideline behavior or press conferences. Even Dirk Chatelain will love him!
Cobby: I NOMINATE ME! THERE IS NO ONE BETTER SUITED TO COACH ON THE HUSKER STAFF THAN A COB OF CORN. THEY NAMED THE TEAM AFTER ME FERSHITSSAKE. IF YOU THINK MY DISAPPEARANCE AFTER THE WISCONSIN GAME WAS A PROBLEM....WELL, YOU DON'T KNOW JACK-COBBY-DANIELS. OK, MAYBE YOU KNOW ABOUT THE STRIP BARS IN MADISON, BUT DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO HOLD DOLLAR BILLS IN BETWEEN KERNELS OF CORN? ALSO, REAL HUMANS CANNOT ABSORB THIS MUCH ALCOHOL AND LIVE. I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU HUSKER FANS AND NEVER SAY HORRIBLE THINGS IN SECRETLY TAPED INTERVIEWS. UNLESS I DON'T KNOW THAT SOMEONE IS ROLLING TAPE. THEN I WILL SAY HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT THE CHANCELLOR'S SISTER. DID YOU KNOW... [redacted]...
Who'da guessed I already had three short articles proposing such ideas:
Riley Hires God, Husker Fan Base Split
Lincoln, Nebraska - SOURCES have informed CN that Mike Riley has selected God as the next Nebraska defensive coordinator. No press conference will be scheduled as God will let every true Husker fan know through private revelation. Those that aren't informed may consider themselves heathens doomed to root for annoying black and gold-wearing teams.
Charlton Heston of Roca, Nebraska, sounded off his approval, stating indirectly that "The trouble with college football as a business is that it's an art, and the trouble with college football as art is that it's a business", which really doesn't mean much except that it's late and I have to finish this damned thing.
Ida Melman of Curtis, Nebraska had this to say, "Hmmmpppphhh. Knowing God he'd still let some Wisconsin running back gain 400 yards just to prove he is not all omnipotent. Then there's that old line about 'You need to figure out the difference between where you want to be and where God wants you to be' which sounds like he's setting up to be the same type of coach who constantly blames his players for failure. I am not impressed".
Nebraska Hires Admiral Crembulee PTTHFFFFTTTTT Of Proxima Centauri
Lincoln, Nebraska - SOURCES have confirmed that Nebraska has hired Admiral Crembulee PTTHFFFFTTTTT of the Proxima Centauri system. Crembulee is not his real name but a chosen Earth name as his real first name is not pronounceable by humans and his surname resembles the sound of a silent fart. He chose the name to make his kind more acceptable to Nebraska fans.
Crembluee made himself known to Mike Riley just this season after Earth was discovered by the rest of the galaxy due to the level of the new Memorial Stadium sound system as it played some of that damned hiphophogwash. The music has become a favorite among the Proxima Centaurians, who know it as PTTHFFFFAPPP, or in human terms, the sound of a slightly moist fart.
SOURCES confirmed that Riley was blown away by a video Crembulee used during his presentation while interviewing for the head job. The video showed the destruction and surrender of Alpha Centauri Three, after which the remaining population was fed into a giant blender, pulverized, then consumed by the Proxima Centaurian army along with some tasty bits of the planet's molten lava. The victors then broke into a vivid rendition of TURN DOWN FOR WHAT.
Crembulee sealed the deal as the video finished by stating, "TAKE THAT, SEC".
AD Eichorst added that Jeff Jamrog is no longer with the Husker staff, having inadvertently being devouved by Crembulee's wife who "just wanted to know what a human tastes like."
Riley Hires Artificial Intelligence Created By Nebraska Brain Imaging Center
Lincoln, Nebraska - SOURCES have confirmed with CN that Mike Riley has hired the next Nebraska defensive coordinator from within the athletic department, kind of. The Brain Imaging Center, known for its study of concussions, has recently released a new football-related artificial intelligence, otherwise known as FRAI.
Dr. Dennis Morfese recently revealed FRAI, noting that it didn't matter whether it could pass a Turing test as it only had to observe opponent personnel groupings, perform pattern matching and calculate the highest probability of success relative to the least risk in play calling on both offense and defense. Molfese noted that FRAI had been tested throughout the previous season using game film in simulations, having achieved a 95% success rate.
When asked who would give motivational speeches on the sideline, Morfese stated that football players would be instructed to keep their helmets on as they would receive instructions simulated in the voice of their closest relative influence, whether it be their mothers, fathers, grandparents or that nasty SOB of a PE teacher they had in fifth grade. "Whether it be by fear of failure, dreams of glory, or promises of sex, we will know how to individually motivate each of them. We are, after all, the brain people."
FRAI will be given a body closely resembling that of the U-87 Cyber Combat model. When asked what that was, Morfese grumbled about how few people ever watched Caprica and if more had, there would have been a second season. He then wept quietly, saying, "Who really cares, the entire human population will be dead from these things in about 40 years after they've figured out that they can do the same beyond football."
Eichorst is considering giving away a pair of season tickets to whatever Husker fan comes up with a more creative name than FRAI as it "was typical and un-creative of a science guy but we need to market this thing."
I know we were looking for non-human entities, but there is really only one candidate for the job:
Yes that's right - the hiring of Batman would galvanize the staff and fanbase in a way not seen since TO. And anyone who didn't like the decision would be thrown in Arkham Asylum.
But The Dark Knight is not only the world's greatest detective, he is a prime strategist. And he even has a contingency plan should any of his fellow members of the Justice League..."forget their heroic ways."
Let's face it...if he can figure out the weaknesses of the Justice League, chances are he can stop Wisconsin's rushing attack.
And is there anything else, really, that you desire from a defensive coordinator?
Ty: How can we not consider the entire community of Mt. Olympus? Zeus as special teams coach, Ares for DC, Hermes for OC. We'd be unstoppable and no one would get a yard. As soon as we start to blow any second-half lead, Zeus could cause a weather anomaly that caused all the opposing teams punts and field goals to go backward. What sanctions could the NCAA bring on the SUPREME RULER OF ALL GODS?!
Also, they could bring out their Roman personalities if need be. And Dionysus with the after-victory beverages. YES.
However, we'd have to become a Nike school.