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Rip Van Canale: So, What'd I Miss?

Jeff Hanisch-USA TODAY Sports

Hello Corn Nation. I apologize for my extended absence over the last few weeks. If I could have been here with you all I would have. Unfortunately I've been in a coma since just after the Nebraska-Iowa game. Apparently all of the thanksgiving leftover stress eating I was doing during the game raised my blood levels of tryptophan to unhealthy levels.

This caused my judgment to be severely impaired, so that when the Huskers finally won the game, in my celebration I accidentally grabbed a liter of honey that I mistook for beer and drank the entire thing. This sent my body into an instant state of sugar shock and I began to fall into a diabetic coma. Before the coma set in fully, I am told that I attempted to drive myself to the hospital, crashing the car about nine feet out of the garage without a seatbelt on.

The resulting impact with the airbag concussed me, which was exacerbated by me walking into the path of the moving ambulance my family called to take me to the hospital. Once there I was kept in a medically induced coma for one week. When I awoke, I apparently said some very inappropriate things to the nurses and my attending relatives and so everyone agreed that I needed to be put back into a coma for some more "healing". And then my insurance ran out so they just poured cold water on my genitals and dumped me into the street.


That is how I got to right now. The good news is that I lost 45 pounds (who loses weight DURING the holidays!!). The bad news is that my body is so atrophied that I am unable to type or stand and have had to dictate this to my "intern" who I had to promise would get college credit for this. And he will, why else would I bring something like that up? Just keep typing Todd, and I'll call the dean's office tomorrow. I hope you aren't typing this part. No? Good.

The other great news is that if I was going to pick any time in the football season to be out of commission the weeks between the end of the season and the bowl game is a perfect time. I mean nothing ever happens then and I am confident this season was more of the same.

Bo obviously saved his job with that win over Iowa. I have to admit I was worried for him after the Wisconsin game, but after pulling out the win in the storied Iowa/Nebraska rivalry game his job was secured. I can't remember what they call that storied rivalry game, but that's likely a side effect of the coma.

I mean maybe if there was another one of those secret recordings like last year it would have been curtains for Bo. But his new kinder gentler approach has taken hold and really Bo wouldn't be dumb enough to let someone secretly tape him making derogatory comments about anyone after the last time.

I'm looking forward to next year already; we have a pretty good recruiting class coming in with Kendall Bussey and the rest. I sure am glad all of that drama got sorted out. Tennessee may have caught his eye for a minute but his heart lies with the Huskers. If you heard what his dad said, then you know he's 100%. I also think that Jurkovic kid is going to be a stud, he has the bloodlines. And I know the Swedish quarterback kid was only playing JV, but at some of those Texas High schools, the JV team could probably beat a lower level Power 5 school like Oregon State, to pick one mediocre school at random.

I will say that I'm a bit worried about that Wisconsin team for next year. That Andersen guy seems to know what he's doing and did you realize Melvin Gordon is only a JUNIOR!!!! Imagine if he stays. Oh boy.

Well, I wanted to write to corn nation first thing and as I'm sure you can imagine I have a lot of catching up to do. I missed Christmas, but luckily I am part of a small sect of pagans whose gods are mostly rodents and our big holiday is on Feb 2nd. But I do have a big stack of newspapers to read, starting with Monday, December first.

Wait, Todd, where are all of my newspapers? Did you throw them out? You know I hate reading stuff on the Internet.

What do you mean the Internet is down? Everywhere? You are saying that there is no Internet available anywhere? What the hell?

You aren't still typing everything I say are you? No? Good.