I finally got around to watching the YSU-posted video of the Bo Pelini press conference introducing him as the Youngstown State head coach. First rate work by that Penguin staff. The play-by-play:
0:00-3:51: Three minutes and 51 seconds of press standing around waiting for YSU. Because who needs editing when you can listen to someone from WYTV bitching about having to cover a house fire the previous night?
3:51: The SID finally walks in. Matches his shirt-and-tie look (that he hasn't had to dust off since college graduation two years ago) with a sweet YSU-issued Nike backpack.
3:51-4:39: SID sets up his computer in front of everyone.
4:39: SID asks everyone to make sure their phones are off in the most passive-aggressive-sounding way possible.
4:42: Local media make uncomfortably hacky jokes about Bo Pelini's temper to SID. SID tries to keep up.
4:50: SID's computer finally finishes turning on.
5:15: Some geeky administrator gets his shining moment. "They're coming now." And then immediately almost runs into someone.
5:25: Another low-ranking member of the SID office is here! We've got this covered guys!
5:25-5:31: FOR GOD'S SAKE, HE SAID PUT THE FUCKING THING ON VIBRATE!
5:45: WYTV anchor in the back is ready to go! This is time to shine! Surely, he can move up to the Columbus market after this story.
5:50: OH MY GOD! THE YSU AD IS HERE! JIM, HE'S HERE! LET'S GO LIVE, MOTHERFUCKER!
6:07: I finally processed that a college athletic director wears worse suit/shirt combinations than my 11th-grade self.
6:14: Athletic director (EDIT: actually the head SID. Lots of sports information going on in Youngstown) introduces Bo. He is stunned (STUNNED) that there are so many cameras here. It's not like an FCS program just hired a guy who last coached a premier power conference team less than a month ago. STUNNED!
6:21: Bo has to meet with the Board of Trustees. Why can't we get video on that?
6:37: Youngstown media collectively shits itself.
6:53-7:07: Bo says the word "really" six times. Really.
7:07: Bo can't believe he's here. And not in a good way.
7:50: Bo wants to work with the university, the fans and the media to make this the best football program in the country. His words. Words that he said.
10:00: Bo is asked a question about the importance of the football program in the community. He almost, ALMOST, answers by comparing it to Nebraska. But he catches himself.
10:39: A lot of talk about people, values, and principals. Bo has caught the Eichorst!
12:15: Talking about Eric Wolford leaving the program in good condition and that's he a great coach. And how he never should have been fired because it's a goddamn shame when people are forced from their jobs! I may have added the last part.
12:49: Bo gets a question about taking some of the best players from the Mahoning Valley and recruiting them to Nebraska. Will he be able to keep some of them at YSU? Talents like Tim Marlowe and Mark Pelini! Can you woo them?!
13:00: I remember how much I hated watching Tim Marlowe enter Memorial Stadium during the Tunnel Walk.
13:23: "Kids want butts in the seats." He keeps hammering the need for a investment from fans and the community. Where was that the last few years?
13:40: Nice condescending question, local media member. Solid answer from Bo, though.
14:31: "It's not about wins and losses. That'll come. We're gonna coach, and we're gonna do a good job coaching." SO CLOSE! I thought we were about to get our first "process" citing less than 15 minutes into Pelini's Penguin tenure. Quit teasing me, Bo!
15:27: Hey, you guys! Bo signed a 20-year deal! GOTCHA! Oh, Bo, you and your jokes.
15:54: Bo gets his second question about how long he'll possibly stay at YSU. He doesn't look pleased.
17:00: Here come the veiled shots at Eichorst and Perlman. This may be exactly what the doctor ordered for unification in Husker Country. Suddenly Eichorst and Perlman feel like my guys. I'm now kind of defensive and protective of those nerdy little bastards.
17:07: Leave Harvey alone!
17:13: Now he's hitting the community, as well. Yeah, Bo really loved Nebraska. Just in case you missed it, that last sentence was sarcasm.
18:37: Hey, footballscoop. Bo says it happened on Monday. I guess you guys were wrong!
18:50: I'm bored. Bo coaches YSU. Mike Riley coaches Nebraska. I'm getting some cottage cheese.
18:50: I couldn't stay away. Plus, my wife finished the cottage cheese without telling me.
19:00: Bo is going to meet with current staff. Some of the guys he knows. Some he doesn't. I wonder which ones have a chance at ending up on his staff.
19:14: Regarding his potential staff: "I've had a lot of people reach out with the interest of coming." Be honest, Bo. How many of those calls have been from John Papuchis?
20:18: "The program's been close the last couple of years. How confident are you that you can get them over the hump and get championship caliber football back here?" Did Shawn Eichorst write that question?
20:30: "I believe in my ability, and that we'll put a staff together that's gonna be able to put a team on the field that'll compete." Ohhh, I can feel it. We're nearing our first "process". We're so close!
20:42: "Success is a process. I'm not worried about the end product right now." BOOM! The process has arrived! #PROCESS
21:15: Is it me, or is Bo more complimentary of the Missouri Valley than the B1G? Is this what Jim Delaney's league has come to?
21:41: "We want to be right up in there." This is shaping up to be the best out-of-context quote of the entire press conference.
22:53: "Over the last couple days, I've gotten to know Ron Strollo really well." But who hasn't, am I right? Don't leave me hanging, guys!
23:00-23:30: More veiled shots at Nebraska and its leadership. Keep 'em coming, Bo.
24:05: It's takes a Faux Pelini question to get Bo's first smile of the day.
24:31: "Cats and penguins, they get along well, I'm sure." No they don't! Penguins are birds. I have two cats, and they hate birds!
24:37: Reporter: "Outside of meeting with the media, what is your first priority?" Even Lee Barfknecht believes that question thinks a little too highly of the media.
25:30: I'm falling into a bit of a lull. I keep being distracted by the little penguin on the banner behind Bo. I like that little guy. Does he have a name?
25:44: "I'm jacked up to be back." Even if you're not a Boliever, that's a pretty cool quote. I'm jacked up to be journaling this press conference.
26:45: PETE! Pete the Penguin! That's his name!
26:49: Bo doesn't hate everyone involved in Nebraska's administration. Just the ones who are currently there. He's heaping some huge love onto Dr. Tom.
27:08-27:23: Bo drops the word "things" five times in 15 seconds. It's not quite to the level of his 14-second span that included six "really"s earlier, but it's still pretty prolific.
28:45: Reporter asks where Bo grew up. Sounds skeptical that he's even from Youngstown.
29:45: More talk about Youngstown's values and how he missed those living away from there.
30:35: Bo's response to how those view his sideline behavior: "We live in a politically correct day and age."
30:45-31:45: In a span of less than a minute, Bo uses the words "kid" and "butt" four times each (it's more terrifying now that I see it in print). Butt started out with a quick 2-0 lead, but kid raced ahead with four straight mentions. Butt did battle back for the tie at the end. Good effort by both words.
32:25: "There are people who are in this profession for the right reasons, and there are the people who are in it for the wrong reasons. I can tell you this. It's good to be around people here, administration, and be a part of a program where I promise you we're going to do things the right way here." This was said as he stared directly at Jim Tressel. On the campus where Tressel was most egregious with his NCAA violations.
32:45-34:25: The question was "who are your influences." The answer became a nearly two minute monologue listing every stop on his coaching resume. Have you every asked a 17-year-old punk rocker who his musical influences are? That's sort of what this was like.
34:59: And that's a wrap! Maroon-shirt SID is calling it. Bo's got that board of regents meeting. If we can't get video, can someone at least give CornNation the minutes?
Admittedly, I was no longer a Boliever by the end of this season. But I'm even more satisfied with the move now. Mike Riley's now our guy. Bo isn't. And he made that damn clear today. And I'm alright with that. I'm less cool with the disappearing cottage cheese.