In an effort to know even more about Coach Pelini, CN investigators have started going through his garbage. Here's what we found recently:
Dear Papa Bo -
I first want to say to you that I am forever grateful for the relationship we have together. The day you ran out of that tunnel holding me high in the air like a god at what you called a "spring game," was the day I realized that I knew we would forever be together. I've realized on that day that you were some sort of war general where you lead a group of young men who wear red outfits into some sort of arena where they attack other young men who often wear different color outfits. I believe there is some sort of fat, hairless squirrel that is thrown around as well.
I also love how we spend 3-4 hours a night rubbing, purring, playing with yarn and grooming each other. I know you often call our time together heaven on earth, and I completely concur with that statement. With all that being said, I'm mustering up the courage to talk about what happened between us a couple of Sundays ago. I almost didn't even want to bring this up because you were so nice to me this last Sunday after apparently triumphing over a group of young men calling themselves the wildcats. But this needs to be said, because I never want this happening again.
The night in question was Sunday, October 5th. If you don't remember I was there to greet you at the door when you busted in with tears in your eyes and you immediately start clapping in my face, over and over again screaming "that's distracting, right kitty! That distracts you, right! If you were an offensive lineman, you wouldn't be able to hear your quarterback if the defenders were doing that to you, right you stupid cat!" And then you ran up to you office and slammed the door I was able to gather through your screams and cries that a group in green uniforms bested your group of young men.
I saw a different side of you Papa Bo, and it's a side I never want to see again. Our heaven on earth turned upside down that night. It took all my strength to stay in the house after that. But I stayed because I love you, and I only want you to be my papa, until I die in a few years.
And where does that leave us? Well, if you want this to work out between us, this is most definitely on you. My advice to you is for you to no longer have your young men get beat ever again by a group of other young men. As a cat I'm not exactly sure what that would entail, but some suggestions I have are: work harder, get even better young men to do your attacking, and quite possibly firing Papuchis... and maybe Beck...
Lance (your cat)