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Northwestern Taking Gothic To A Whole New Level

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SBNation.com

[We need more humor, at least in my estimation. Hereby we introduce Joe Canale to the site, a professional. I bid you fare him a warm welcome. - Jon]

Joe Canale (aka cobcastjoe) is an actor and writer living in Los Angeles CA. Before that he was an actor and writer living in Chicago working for The Second City Sketch Comedy troupe and ESPN radio Chicago. Waaaaaay before that he was a 9 year old boy living in Lincoln, who made his mother change his bedroom sheets because the pattern on them reminded him of the Clemson Tigers, who broke his heart in the 1982 Orange Bowl. It's been up and down since then.

Evanston Il,

Last week Northwestern University unveiled it's "Gothic" uniforms that they will be wearing for the Nebraska game this coming Saturday.   Wearing special "themed" uniforms has become a common tactic for today's college football teams, with the hope that the new uniforms will excite the fan base and inspire the team.  For example, look at how well the Cornhuskers played a couple of weeks ago in their "Duct Tape Rising" uniforms.  Who knew you could look so good while looking sooooo bad?

It seems that Northwestern is taking the concept to a whole new level this week, as in addition to the uniforms, the Wildcats are going "totally gothic" in their preparations.  According to head coach and former overrated Northwestern linebacker Pat Fitzgerald "We are approaching this game with a total Gothic mindset, from our uniforms, to our meals, to our living conditions.  If you want to get Medieval on someone, you can't go halfway."

The Wildcats players meals this week will consist primarily of gruel, a simple grain based porridge that was abandoned by civilized society about four hundred years ago.  On game day the gruel will be supplemented with scraps pulled from the garbage disposal of the Professors' cafeteria.

The Gothic philosophy has extended to the practice field as well.  The usual lightweight carbon fiber helmets and pads have been replaced with Iron suits of armor, which, despite weighing four times as much as modern gear, "may actually increase injuries if any of our players are tackled, especially by Randy Gregory" according to Northwestern equipment manager Peter Grosk.

Will these medieval motivational tactics work?  Possibly, but this writer is dubious, especially after this weeks injury report came out.  Four players are out with broken legs from Catherine Wheel discipline (look it up), as well as a full third of the team out with the plague (which can keep players out for up to forever weeks).

In a related story, Northwestern isn't publicizing the game against Nebraska.  Instead, there are posters up all over the campus advertising a "Pre-Renaissance festival" Saturday night at 6:30 in Ryan Field. When asked about this deception Northwestern Football Media director Gene Villipique was very honest.  "We all know that Northwestern students are a lot more likely to pay to dress-up like princes and jesters than to see a football game".