YA KNOW, THERE ARE THINGS THAT I WONDER ABOUT AND YOU PROBABLY DO TOO. DURING THE SEASON, THE BYE WEEK IS A WELCOMED TIME FOR EVERY COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM, AND THAT'S NO DIFFERENT FOR YOUR HUSKERS.
SO, I WAS GIVEN THE ABILITY TO
SNEAK IN SIT INSIDE BO PELINI'S OFFICE YESTERDAY MORNING. THE THINGS I FOUND WILL SHOCK AND SURPRISE YOU MAYBE PROBABLY NOT.
Thursday morning, October 9th.
10:51am. Lincoln, Nebraska. Cloudy, 57 degrees.
Bo Pelini, Nebraska Football head coach, sits in his office, watching the showcase showdown on the Price is Right.
Phone - "Coach, you have a visitor"
Bo - Alright, send them in.
Rich Kaczenski walks in
Kaz - Hey, I got a couple of ideas on how to make Randy Gregory gain weight.
Bo - Jesus Kaz, I gave them $20 to Chipotle and personally called the general manager myself to tell him to put Randy on the Tobi Okuyemi/Matt Slauson diet, what the hell ever more do you want?
Kaz- No, this will really work. Send him to Barney’s house for dinner 3 times a week.
Bo - Shit, never thought of that. You think that will work?
Kaz - Well, you’ve seen Jake Cotton naked right?
Bo - GODDAMNIT YOU’RE RIGHT.
(Bo gets on phone) - Get Barney Cotton up here!
Barney Cotton walks in
Barney - What’s up, just checking out MySpace on this iPad. (looks at TV) ALRIGHTY, SOMEONE WON THE DOUBLE SHOWCASE!
Bo - Damnit Barney, pay attention. I have a question for you.
Barney - Sure boss, what’s up.
Bo - What did you and Christine feed the Cotton boys last night?
Barney - We went out for Mexican last night, D’Leon’s burritos, AYCE last night. Washed it down with some whole milk because we’re Midwesterners.
Bo - I see. Hold on ...
Anyhow, we need to get Randy Gregory to gain weight and Kaz thinks it’s a good idea for you and the Mrs. to feed him 3 or so times a week. What do you think?
Barney - HELL YEA, I can finally use that Sams card to get all those wings and pallets of kung pao chicken I’ve always wanted! Who’s idea was this?
Barney - oh yea, Kaz is the man. He knows how good a bag of Culvers is to clean the colon out at 7 am.
Bo - Well, this explains why it’s hazy as hell in the morning meetings. Thanks Barn, go help my nephew with snapping on the right clap.
Barney - You got it, where’s Garrison? I feel like Golden Corral for lunch, lets get em! CHOCOLATE WATERFALL FUCKERS WHOOHOO!!
Barney walks out.
Kaz - That explains a lot.
Bo - Yep, especially why we just got 6 cows to keep up with the milk consumption. Anyhow, anything else I need to know?
Kaz - nah, gonna get out of here. Ross Els is brainstorming something.
Bo - FUCK. Ok.
Bo - damnit, what’s he doing (into phone) Get Els in here please.
Ross Els enters, sweating like he’s just run a half marathon
Bo - Ross… what. What are you doing?
Els - I’ve got an idea.
Bo - God I was afraid of this...
Els - NO LISTEN I promise this will work.
Bo - Sigh… okay what is it?
Els - Remember when you punted from the Michigan State 31 last week?
Bo - Yes, going by my Frank Solich gameplan. I had it going for a while. Anyhow...
Els - What if we got Ameer to pooch kick there?
Bo - What’s wrong with Foltz punting there?
Els - Because he thought it was Aussie Rules and tried to make 6 points by punting through the uprights.
Bo - …. got a point. But could we teach him to dropkick like Bill Belichick taught Doug Flutie?
Els - Well yea, but if he misses and Todd Gurley picks up a blitz, you know some chowderhead who bathes Finebaum’s feet with a tongue will just find a reason to knock Ameer down the Heisman poll.
Bo - Another good point. (side eye) You didn’t touch Demornay did you?
Els - Nope. I want to live, Bo.
Bo - Alright, go find some 3 star MAC kids to go see this weekend for Fisher and Charlton!
Els - YES BOOM YES FUCK KENT STATE I OWN YOU SOLICH YES
Bo - Wonder what Beck is doing…. (on phone) Get Beck in here.
Tim Beck comes in, wearing a button down shirt, tie, jacket…. and jorts.
Bo - Beck what in the absolute hell
Beck - Just… talking to friends on Skype about… renewing my vows yes. That’s it, renewing my wedding vows.
Bo - Oh really, where you going to do that?
Beck - Somewhere in Northeastern Kansas. Thought of KC but just seemed too far east.
Bo - Well let me know if you get registered.
Beck - Oh yes, we will have it down home country style. The reception will be a pancake feed. You really get to know folks during those.
Bo - So, we got to talk. Tommy has to be better than this. Why in the hell can’t he hit a 15 yard out route? I mean, we have Tight Ends an
Beck - We have what?
Bo - Tight Ends. You know, Cethan Carter. Sam Cotton. Bigger than a wide receiver, smaller than a tackle. Usually they block but sometimes they catch passes.
Beck - They’re allowed to catch passes? What the shit. Why didn’t you tell me?
Bo - … you’re serious
Beck - Hell, I just used their routes to sketch obscene pictures in the play book. I can throw the ball to them? BULLY!! (writes out notes)
Bo - Holy shit Tim. Mangino didn’t teach you this?
Beck - Nope. 9 routes, Mike Leach being a based demi God and the best chinese buffet in Lawrence is all he talked about.
Bo - Well, can’t Ganz help this out? What the shit
Beck - Grad Assistant. Besides, Ganz is still a college student and doing his thing.
Bo - That’s crap. Weekend is here, lets work on the 15 yard out and seam routes.
Beck - Alright, see what I can do.
Bo - Hey, that fits pretty well, where did you get that coat?
Beck - Penneys. You want my tailor’s number?
Bo - Nah, Gary Michael’s does me well homie. Later.
Beck leaves. Bo turns it on to NCIS while watching Hudl videos on his computer.
10 minutes later, a dozing off Bo gets woken up by a hard knock on his door.
Bo - WHAT THE HELL.
Shawn Eichorst enters
Bo - Oh god, who do I have to apologize to now?
Shawn - Well, you did get mad at the Red Robin waitress for the whole fries thing.
Bo - THEY SAID BOTTOMLESS. THERE WAS A BOTTOM ON THAT PLATE!!
Shawn - Christ on toast man they mean all you can eat!!
Bo - Oh…. well say that damnit. I have teenagers to feed.
Shawn - I get that. So, what’s going on this weekend with you and the staff.
Bo - Well, we were trying to get Randy Gregory fatter, and we put that with Barney. Gonna try to get Ameer more Heisman looks by teaching him how to drop kick cause Todd Gurley can’t do that shit. What else.. oh yea, Beck is going to renew his vows and have a pancake feed in Kansas he said. And I had to remind him that we have things called Tight Ends.
Shawn - Why the hell wouldn’t he do a pancake feed on a train tour in Ainsworth or Ord for goodness sakes?
Bo - I don’t know, something about family and renewing vows near Kansas City. We can pitch in if they register at Target for a Sodastream and a crockpot.
Shawn - Dyson, they could use a Dyson as well.
Bo - I can do that.
Shawn - Alright, was just wondering. Got to go down and hang with Osborne for this opening of something on the south side of the Stadium.
Bo - You really have to go?
Shawn - Every time we ask him to get out of the fishing boat, he wants $3000 up front. Someone has to pay him off. By the way, I have to ask, why did I just have to approve Kelly Mosier for $600 for a pallet of Renuzit Air Fresheners from Sams Club? He said you would justify it.
Bo - Cotton family had AYCE D’Leon’s last night. Drank whole milk with it.
Shawn - THAT explains a lot, like why everyone is wearing goggles and Nobler broke out the Chernobyl hazmat suit. Glad when we redid the plumbing in the locker room, we got pipe that can take brick being flushed.
Bo - I know, almost needed it for McNeese State right?
Shawn - LALALALALAALALALA I HEAR NOTHING LALALALALA
Eichorst walks out.
Bo changes the channel to Ina Garten making soup.
Kenny Bell runs in.
Bell - COACH WHAT THE FUCK
Bo - Calm down, what’s wrong?
Bell - LOOK AT MY FUCKING HAIR.
Bo looks… Bell’s hair is parted and naturally combed.
Bo - Well that’s a thing, who did this?
Bell - IT DID THIS WHEN I WALKED IN THE LOCKER ROOM WHAT THE HELL MAN
Bo - Cotton’s. D’Leon’s last night.
Bell - CHRIST. IT WASN’T EVEN THIS BAD ON ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFALO WILD WINGS NIGHT MAN!
Bell runs out.
Eichorst and Tim Miles walk back in
Bo - What the hell, thought you were with Osborne.
Shawn - Yea, but then I saw Tim was in trouble and we’re hiding out in here.
Bo - Who are you hiding from?
Miles - Howard Hawks flew in. Wants to know where his Doc Sadler shrine is.
Bo - Well where is it?
Miles - In Matt Davison’s bar. I couldn’t have that thing around PBA.
Bo - Heh, that’s funny. Doc at Gate 25.
Shawn - Well Mike Fox is a server there.
Shawn - Good, he is gone. So we’ll see you later.
Miles - Yea Bo, you gonna make any Basketball games?
Bo - Sure, but this Jean Peck chick wants me to protest your games. I don’t get her either.
Miles - Well.. yea, she’s swell.
Miles and Eichorst walk out.
Barney Cotton walks by Bo’s open door, looks in.
Barney - THAT CHOCOLATE WATERFALL GOES GREAT WITH STEAK AND FRIED CHICKEN.
Barney leaves. Bo dryheaves.
John Papuchis peeks in
John - Hey, want to get lunch?
Bo - Yes, please. Anything out of this office right now.
John - Noodles and Company sound good?
Bo - Well yea, I love their spaghetti. Have I ever told you about the time I challenged Earle Bruce to a Oklahoma drill?
Bo and Papuchis leave.
Barney looks in again.
Barney - MYSPACE IS FUCKING GREAT.