WARNING: The following article contains [expletive] expletive’s that may not be suitable for all audiences.
So let's get you caught up. On Monday, some [expletive] D-bag working with either the Husker Radio Network or inside the Athletic Department leaked Bo Pelini's rant after the Ohio State game in 2011. We don't know who that person is yet, but I'm sure when we find out who the [expletive] is, we'll hang him by his [expletive] nuts.
Well, everyone had to issue apologies and statements. They stemmed from a conversation Huskers Coach Bo Pelini, Athletic Director Shawn Eichorst, and Chancellor Harvey Perlman had on Monday evening to assess the damage control that needed to be done. My source on the inside got the tape. As always, my sources remain anonymous in order to protect them. Without further adieu, here is the transcript of the tape.
Harvey Perlman: Alright you [expletive]. What the [expletive] happened today?
Shawn Eichorst: Apparently some [expletive] leaked a tape that was more than two [expetive] years old. It has some media [expletive] up in arms.
Bo Pelini: I don't know what all the [expletive] commotion is about. Everyone I know says [expletive]. That night I was so [expletive] pumped up after the game that it all came [expletive] out at once.
Perlman: Well, you can't say [expletive] anymore, Bo.
Pelini: Why the [expletive] not? Everyone says [expletive].
Eichorst: He's [expletive] right Harv. Everyone says it.
Perlman: Yea, but you can't say it on [expletive] tape, dude.
Pelini: I didn't know there was some [expletive] taping me at the time. Had I known, I would have said execution more. Is that a better word? Execution?
Eichorst: Now that you mention it, Bo, execution is kind of a weird [expletive] word. Sounds like you are chopping someone's [expletive] head off. Maybe you should cut back on saying it as much as you do.
Perlman: Shut up [expletive]. We are not here to talk about killing people. We ARE here to talk about the "F" word.
Eichorst: You mean [expletive]?
Perlman: Yes you [expletive] dumbass! Now we have to stop saying that [expletive] word!
*** PHONE RINGS. EVERYONE IN THE ROOM JUMPS. ***
Perlman: [expletive]! What is is now!
Eichorst: Ok. Everyone get their [expletive] game faces on. Put them on speaker phone.
Tom Shatel: Hi guys it's Tom Shatel.
Perlman: Oh [expletive]...
Pelini: Hey Tom. What the [expletive] is up man?
Shatel: Not much man. Hey I was hoping to get a quick [expletive] interview about the [expletive] storm that happened today.
Perlman: Stop using that [expletive] word already! It's gotten us into enough trouble as it is.
Shatel: Oh, sorry Harvey. So are things [expletive] cool around there then? I mean cool around there then?
Pelini: Yea, things are cool. Just some [expletive] trying to make something out of nothing. Hey Tom, I'm getting a golf foursome together for next Monday. I gave the team a day off and I'm trying to have more [expletive] fun. You game [expletive]?
Shatel: Sure man. I'm [expletive] there.
Pelini: Sweet. I spoke with that [expletive] Tommie Frazier earlier. We patched things up and he's gonna join us. Right now, we are planning on hitting up the Sandhills course.
Shatel: Awesome. You know how to plan a [expletive] party. See you then, [expletive].
Pelini: Later dood.
*** CLICK ***
Eichorist: You didn't invite me you [expletive].
Pelini: You can go, Shawn. We need a fourth.
Eichorst: [expletive] A!
*** PHONE RINGS AGAIN. HARVEY PUTS IT ON SPEAKER. ***
Patrick Pelini: Dad? When are you coming home?
Bo: Hey man. I'll be home after bit. We are finishing up some business.
Patrick: Sweet. These [expletive] at school are talking smack about you.
Bo: Ignore them. Just tell those [expletive] that your dad is making millions of [expletive] dollars and their [expletive] parents are paying into your [expletive] college fund. I have a meeting to finish, but I'll be home afterward.
Patrick: Alright dad. You're so [expletive] cool. See you then.
*** CLICK ***
Perlman: Did you're kid just say [expletive]?
Pelini: Yea. What's your [expletive] point?
Perlman: Don't you think he should watch his [expletive] mouth?
Pelini: He's fourteen [expletive] years old. It's time he learns some of these words and how to properly [expletive] use them.
Eichorst: Do you think it's too early to teach them to my four-year-old?
Pelini: Yes you dumb [expletive]. Wait until they are teenagers when you need to score points with them to keep them from [expletive] hating you.
**** RING RING RING. PERLMAN HITS THE SPEAKER BUTTON ON THE PHONE...AGAIN ****
Perlman: What the [expletive] do you want? We are trying to have a [expletive] meeting here!
Uncle Money Bags Donor: Harvey is that you, you [expletive]?
Perlman: Oh [expletive]. Yea, Uncle Money Bags Donor, it's me. Sorry about that, but it's been a tough [expletive] day.
UMBD: No problem. Hey I read all this [expletive] garbage on the twitter thing today. What the [expletive] is going on?
Perlman: Well, we apparently have a problem with the word [expletive].
Pelini: No we don't. It's ok for everyone else to use the word [expletive], but for some reason I can't [expletive] say it.
UMBD: Meh. Don't let it get to you Bo. Those [expletive] are always asking me for money and they can shove it up their you-know-[expletive]-what. I'll keep supporting you Bo, just try not to get [expletive] blown out, alright?
Pelini: Sure man. Hey, by the way. Frazier, Shatel and I are going to Sandhills for a round of 18 next Monday. I'm trying to have more [expletive] fun and all .We need a fourth. You in?
UMBD: You bet, I'll bring the [expletive] plane to Lincoln and pick you [expletive] up.
Pelini: Awesome. I'll let the other two [expletive] know. See you then.
**** CLICK *****
Eichorst: Hey [expletive], I thought I was your fourth?
Pelini: Sorry man. Money [expletive] talks.
Perlman: Ok, we have to get [expletive] serious about this. I need to call up my friend and ask him what he thinks about all of this [expletive] mess?
Eichorst: Your friend? Aren't we your [expletive] friends Harvey?
Perlman: Well, kind of, but I need some [expletive] spiritual help. See, when you are a [expletive] politician like me, sometimes you have to consult with those [expletive] moral types to make sure you're doing the right [expletive] thing. You don't want to [expletive] things up.
Eichorst: Gotcha. Call him up?
Perlman: Yep. I got his [expletive] number right here.
**** RING RING RING ****
Father Paul: This is Father Paul. How can I help you?
Perlman: Father Paul, this is Harvey. I've got a problem and I need some advice.
Father Paul: Is it the [expletive] problem I've been hearing about all day?
Perlman: OMG Father Paul. How can you say that?
Father Paul: Say what? [expletive]? Jesus [expletive] Christ Harvey, everyone says it. Get the [expletive] over it already. You know how to solve your [expletive] problem?
Perlman: How Father Paul? How?
Father Paul: Just issue some stupid [expletive] statement that says your sorry and are dealing with it for [expletive] sake. This is such a non-issue. Everyone says the word [expletive]. It feels good to say it. The important thing to remember when teaching our children about the word [expletive] is to educate them when it is appropriate to say it. I.e. when it's [expletive] hilarious.
Father Paul: Oh by the way, Rabbi Jacobs, Tom Osborne and I are hitting up Sandhills next Monday. We need a fourth.
Eichorst: ME ME ME ME! I want to [expletive] go.
Perlman: [expletive] you Shawn. I'm still the [expletive] Chancellor. Go back to your [expletive] desk and collect your [expletive] paycheck. I'll see you Monday Father Paul. Do you happen to have a [expletive] plane?
Whew! That was a lot to write out, but it's important that Cobby gets you guys all the latest information from the Athletic Department. You heard it here first! And you can click on the link to hear the full recording if you want to! On a side note, wouldn't it just be awesome to see a bunch of kids in the student section at this weekends game paint on their chests something like "I [expletive] love Coach Bo!" Of course that would take a lot of students to do, but it would be fun to see.