B1G Media Days Questions That Won't Be Asked..... But Should

Jim Delany

What’s your plan on improving Detroit now that the Big Ten is going to have a bowl game there?

Can you explain the design on the Maryland Credit Card you gave them so they can afford to be in the Big Ten?

Does the secret cabin where you’re talking to North Carolina have an open bar?

When did you decide that you hate Michigan State?

Did you ever consummate that marriage with whatever floozy bet you that you wouldn’t bring Rutgers and Maryland into the Big Ten?

Are you and Sam the Eagle friends? Does he ever complain about people mistaking the two of you for twins?

Be honest - how many times a month do you have your driver take you past John Swofford’s house and honk the horn at 3 in the morning while you yell "I’M COMING FOR UNC, JOHNNY" out the window?

Any truth to the rumor that you’ll make each team in the conference play one game in the Pontiac Silverdome, just to show them what it’s like to play in the ACC, so they realize just how good they have it?

Is it true that the winner of the bowl game between the B1G and ACC will actually be able to own and sell a full block of downtown Detroit, to help with the revitalization of the city after bankruptcy?

Urban Meyer

Coach, what’s it like to think that every other person in the conference thinks you’re a cut throat cheater who would step on his aunt’s skull to win, and discuss about how they also think that’s your best quality.

Now that it actually counts, how hard will it be to go undefeated?

Aren’t you supposed to be at the MAC Media Days? I thought you coached at Ohio? What’s Frank up to these days?

Does your family know you’re here?

Can we get some hints on your next head coach position? Will you be faking the Rapture to get out of Columbus? Or perhaps you’ll claim insanity?

Coach, Mike Bianchi here... wait... why do you have a trident? Why are you running towards me... WAIT, GET OUT OF THE WAY YOU PEOPLE, DAMNIT MCKEOWN MOVE.

Brady Hoke

Explain how you personally get the maximum out of the Bold Flavors on the Chili’s menu.

Can you tell us about the unfortunate events leading to your fear of long sleeves?

Have you looked into online geography classes?

How annoying is it that not every answer on GeoGuessr is "Ohio"?

When does your contract as the new mascot of Big Boy’s start?

Bill O’Brien

Bill, talk about the times that Franco Harris has knocked on your door to talk about what Joe Paterno was like as a man.

Have you actually discussed a ice cream flavor for yourself from the creamery? Will it have pistachios involved?

Please blink twice if you’re being held against your will.

After seeing the results on the field, did you invite Tim Beckman to have another cookout in your parking lot this year?

Mark D’Antonio

What was the last thing you killed by staring at it?

Why do you hate offense?

Now that Roushar is gone, what excuse will your fans use for losing to Nebraska?

Will Nike being outfitting your entire team in tinfoil this season?

Andrew Maxwell, Coach. No, I don’t really have a point. I just wanted to see you sigh.

Jerry Kill

Are you hoping for more beer choices at TCF, therefore allowing people to forget how you’re going to go 4-8 and get fired this year?

When you get fired, will you be going into your part time job of being the new president of Men’s Wearhouse full time?

Are you ashamed for losing to Iowa?

Have you considered volunteering to take Goldie’s place as the mascot?

Kirk Ferentz

How hard do you cackle when you see every paycheck hit the bank?

How many Scentsy warmers do you have going at one time to deal with the constant Iowa smell of pig farming?

Since you don’t get to travel to faraway places for recruiting, where are you really looking forward to taking your family this bowl season while your team sits in Iowa City?

FREE FLOYD.

Explain the disdain that you have in the staff when you request comps from the Pai Gow play you have every Sunday morning at Ameristar.

Why is Chris Hansen of MSNBC doing your recruiting?

Kevin Wilson

Coach, talk about the Basketball team’s chances in conference this year.

Seriously, dude. Indiana? Did you hate Norman that much?

If you could pay for someone to take your defense away, how much would you pay?

How many times have you licked those candy cane helmets before you realized it wasn’t peppermint?

How many games will you be inviting Tom Crean to guest coach so you can drum up support for the football team?

Pat Fitzgerald

Can you talk about being the only guy in Chicago that loves both ketchup on a hot dog AND thin crust pizza?

Explain how good you have it by Hawk Harrellson not being your play by play guy.

Please tell us what it is like for people in Chicago to figure out you guys are actually a local team and not in Washington state.

Please stop tackling Coach Ferentz.

The Cubs are hopeless AMIRITE?

Darrell Hazell

Who the hell are you?

Coach Ruffin McNeil, welcome to Purdue. Talk about your first seas.... oh, damn. Sorry Darrell.

I refuse to acknowledge your status as the Purdue head coach until you grow out a Purdue Head Coach Mustache.

How do you plan on helping Purdue win games against teams who don’t make a bunch of fart noises about a silly modifier in front of their name?

Tim Beckman

How’s it feel to be the first coach in FBS that will be fired mid season this year, and knowing it could very well happen before the conference season starts?

Have you talked to Bo Pelini about his bubble gum preferences? I realize it’s a little more synthetic than you prefer but as I understand it, the NCAA is anti-organic mouth-chew. Do you intend to appeal the NCAA’s stance on this issue?

Are there any good food trucks in State College?

Do you have any words of advice for Coach Hazell and how to adjust to the Big Ten?

Gary Andersen

Talk about your first experience with brats and beer, and how it cleared the room.

How long did it take for Bert to stop prank-calling security on you?

Do you plan on continuing Bert’s tradition of calling Tim Brewster and yelling "SCOREBOARD"?

Did Barry pay to clean Bert’s office before you moved in?

But seriously, how do you plan to keep up Wisconsin’s strong tradition of losing Rose Bowls by making bone-headed offensive play-calls in the fourth quarter?

Will you be firing your offensive line coach in September?

Do you realize we will say your team will overachieve and get to the Buffalo Wild Wings bowl if you give us each a 6 pack of the Spotted Cow Bielema left in the office?

Bo Pelini

Have you not found the box of photos yet that Barney has on you yet?

Would you rather have 1000 undersized defensive ends at defensive tackle, or a single Suh? Oh, I guess you answered that already.

How does it feel to have five more years of Martinez? Do you feel like you’ve won the lottery?

How bad is Barney Cotton at golf?

Regarding the "Harlem Shake" video, do you regret your decision to make that video in light of events of the past few months? Have other coaches used your participation against you in recruiting?

Did you forget to tell Ross Els he was the special teams coordinator too?

Be honest, Coach. Did you break into a government lab to get Imani Cross?

Coach, how many times a season do you wish the media would compare you to Bob Devaney instead of Tom Osborne?

Bo, is it alright if we call the punt-catching drill the "Nebraska drill"? Do you plan on using offensive linemen to field punts?

Bill Carollo (Head of B1G officiating)

Can you describe holding for us? Or will the league once again be using a definition based off of whimsy?

Are you threatened by Kenny Bell’s masculinity?

Have you considered flagging Kirk Ferentz for unsportsmanlike conduct after hearing about his contract with Iowa?

Can you explain how 60 year old officials can make snap judgements to throw kids out of a game for "targeting", or is this another one you’ll just make up as you go along?