Our SB Nation preseason selections include - picking top Heisman candidates, an All-American offense, defense and special teams, and as a finale, selecting three of the top coaches in college football. That includes a head coach, offensive coordinator and defensive coordinator.
Coach - That Sonofabitch Urban Meyer
Picking the best head coach in the land is an even more ridiculous job than selecting a single team of All-American football players. The only way to approach it is to select the best head coach of each conference, select new head coaches you think might make some noise in their first season, and go from there.
Bret Bielema - Arkansas. HAHAHAHAHAHA, oh, man is that guy going to get crushed at Arkansas.
Guz Malzahn - Auburn. In his very short stint as a head coach (one year at Arkansas State), Malzahn has proven that he can be successful. The question is whether or not he'll be successful enough to knock Nick Saban from the top HAHAHAHAHAHA good luck you need to become less human.
Bob Stoops - What has Bob Stoops done lately?
Nick Saban is the obvious top pick, because he's Nick Saban.
It's so easy to hate Saban because he's an incredible football coach, he coaches for Alabama and he cares so little about... well, that's it. He cares so little, hence robot. All the things normal human beings seem to hold dear - like petty emotions and personal experiences - Nick Saban doesn't have time for that shit.
You've got Saban at the top of the coaching ranks and at this point, there's only one guy poised to unseat him, and that's That Sonofabitch Urban Meyer. I don't care for Meyer much, but he at least he is human. My biggest quandary is this: Do I really want to pick Meyer, which, in a way (OBJECTIVE JOURNALISM AS IF YOU EVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE) means I think Ohio State will win the Big Ten and probably play for a national title.
Thus, a quandary.
Pick the Evil Bastard Saban, or that Sonofabitch Urban Meyer. I went with Meyer. I contemplated Kevin Sumlin for a few moments, but then realized that Sumlin has been at Texas A&M for only a year and it's weirdness has yet to affect him. It takes an incredibly strong personality to not be affected by the place he's in. We can talk all we want about how coaches should accept the traditions and standards of the places in which they've chosen to coach but at the same time it's easy to be consumed. Is there any one of us that would say Dan Hawkins was a lousy coach before he went to Boulder? No. Boulder sucked him dry and left his bones
The only time I would pick Saban over Meyer is if someone asked me "what college football coach would you like have murder you?". Meyer would probably flinch, which would cost time and pain. Saban would be so efficient you'd be dead before you knew it.
You have to hand it to Ohio State, though. Urban Meyer has lit a fire within the Big Ten - the coaches are now under notice that they can't sit on their asses when it comes to recruiting.
So it doesn't go unsaid - the term "That sonofabitch" can be both a term of endearment and one of disgust. It's up to you to determine the context.
Offensive Coordinator - Tim Beck, Nebraska
This was an easy choice, actually.
Nebraska's offense should be exceptional this year, and Tim Beck might get a head coaching job the year after. I don't think he's ready for that stage and won't be for at least another couple years, but I'm also pretty sure Beck doesn't give two flying poops what I think about his experience level.
I still have problems with Beck's playcalling at times, but it's vastly improved over his first year at coordinator. Example - the Big Ten Championship game against Wisconsin. Wisconsin comes out on defense, stands up their defensive line, moving linemen and linebackers all over and it clearly confused the hell out of our offense. YOU CANNOT READ WHAT YOU HAVE NOT SEEN AND ALL YOUR FANCY MATH DOES NOT APPLY HERE.
What did Beck do to adjust? Nothing.
What would I have done? Gone to a heavy set and forced Wisconsin to line up their defense while I ran the ball straight at them. Slowed the game down a little. At least it would have given the defense time to figure out what changes they needed to make, and I might have success in my heavier set offense. Instead, the offense marched out there and apparently followed a game plan of fail.
The offense and defense have to work together - they are not separate components operating in a vacuum. Bo Pelini says he wants a "multiple" offense, which to me means adjustable dependent upon what the defense is doing. That did not happen in the biggest game of the year, which, again, to me means that Tim Beck has a ways to go before he's capable of being a head coach.
Why the hell did I chose Tim Beck?
Faith in his future development.
Defensive Coordinator - John Chavis, LSU
Chavis gets the selection here if for no other reason than he has to put up with "Mad Hatter" Les Miles. Miles frequently gets way too much credit (or not) for being genius (or a moron). I believe he's a very good coach, but he's so fallen in love with this image of himself as a crazy genius guy that he frequently makes incredibly stupid decisions just to show what a crazy genius guy he is.
Under Chavis, LSU has done this in total defense:
2009 - 26th
2010 - 12th
2011 - 2nd
2012 - 8th
Hey, maybe if Bo Pelini gets fired, Nebraska should consider hiring John Chavis?