clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Future Predicteration: My Top Three Heisman Candidates

New, comments

Who's going to win the Heisman? Here are my top three Heisman candidates. #1 I don't really expect to win the Heisman, but he should. #2 probably has a good shot. And #3... well, he probably will but you don't want him to. Not really. You'd rather shoot him into space at this point.

Mike Ehrmann

The SB Nation cabal is putting together their preseason All-America picks and along with that comes voting for the top three players expected to win the 2013 Heisman Trophy.

Below are the three players I expect have the highest probability of winning the most completely overhyped coveted award in any sport anywhere. I will be releasing my picks for All-America offense and defense over the next couple days, and will be releasing our collective choices at some point in the undetermined future, but most likely before college football season actually starts.

Heisman #1 - Jadeveon Clowney, South Carolina

Remember how angry Nebraska fans were when Ndamukong Suh didn't win the Heisman? Clowney is this year's Suh. He's clearly the best player in the nation. If you're not rooting for Clowney if you rooted for Suh, I'll just say that you're a hypocrite and leave it at that.

Husker fans should remember Clowney in the 2012 Capital One Bowl. Clowney wreaked havoc, creating false starts, getting four tackles and two sacks, both of which came after Tim Beck made a foolish decision to change to a silent snap count.


Yes, foolish. If you're a tackle that's struggling with keeping up with an opponent who's faster off the ball, a silent snap count is like sticking a knife in your leg. You, the tackle, must watch the ball to tell when it's snapped. Oh, unless there's a secret hand signal that only you, the offense knows, that the defense can never figure out, because if they do, then they will have an advantage over you. (HINT: THERE'S NO SECRET HAND SIGNAL. THE ANGLES SCREW YOUR TACKLE SO BADLY IT'S OBSCENE. SHOULD I DO A SEPARATE ARTICLE ON THIS BECAUSE IT'S BEEN BUGGING ME FOR A WHILE NOW. MAYBE I SHOULD LET GO. THEN AGAIN, MAYBE YOU SHOULD KISS MY ASS.).

Oh, yeah, Clowney. Like our beloved Suh, unblockable, unstoppable, although he's probably a better driver than Suh. He probably won't win the Heisman because of all those existing Heisman voters who would never vote for a defensive player.

And you've seen this, but here it is again:

Heisman #2 - Braxton Miller, Ohio State

I could have gone homer here and picked Taylor Martinez, but I believe that Miller means more to Ohio State's success than Martinez does to Nebraska. Martinez will have a great year and cement himself in Nebraska's record books, but he's surrounded by quite a bit of depth in Ameer Abdullah, Kenny Bell, Quincy Enunwa and Jamal Turner.

Miller's starting running back will be Carlos Hyde, a tough runner, but whom lacks breakaway speed and elusiveness. His top receiver will be Corey Brown who caught 60 balls last year for 669 yards. Bottom line - Miller will be taking a lot of the carries and generating more stats for himself than Martinez.

That all sounds reasonable, like a logical explanation for Miller over Martinez, right?

And it's complete bullshit.

The real reason Miller is ahead of Martinez is because Martinez isn't very good in front of the media, and nationally he has an "arm punt" reputation despite throwing for more yardage (2,871 vs 2,039, respectively) and having a higher passer rating (141.61 vs. 140.48).

Hell, even a lot of Husker fans don't like Martinez mostly becauseMartinez set expectations way too high when he first started then couldn't pull them off due to injury. There is no bigger sin in life than being the source of unanswered prayers, and that so far is Martinez' career in a nutshell.

Miller, though, still has time. And he's Ohio State. They have Urban Meyer. Can Urban Meyer win the Heisman? Oh, kind of. Yes, mostly. Much more so than Bo Pelini.

Heisman #3 - Johnny Manziel, Texas A&M

I'm already sick of Johnny Football, but he is incredibly talented and should be realistically included on everyone's Heisman list.

He's going to be everywhere along with his girlfriend/model Sarah Savage and by the end of the season we're all going to hope they're both selected for the first-ever Mars Colonization Mission and sent off into space.

"You're going to be like Adam and Eve!", we'll all say.

"Adam and Eve???!!!", they'll both say in unison.

"What could be more glorious than that!"

They'll both get on the spaceship and fly away to be seen on their own reality TV show for three-five years when its last episode features them stepping onto Mars and being fried by massive doses of radiation everyone forgot to tell them about.

Then we'll have endless articles about what a great NFL quarterback (OR NOT) Manziel could have been, had he not gone on that ill-fated Mars Mission.

Mitch Albom will write about how Manziel and Savage really were Adam and Eve and how they had an imaginary picnic on Mars. Martian puppies come up and lick their hands. Rock Hudson appears from nowhere to welcome them (HOW ESOTERIC IS THAT?)

Rick Reilly will write words that have never been strung together before (BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT MARS, YO).

Spencer Hall will compare the two to a combination of whipped cream and potatoes while referencing a work by Moses (YES MOSES) and pull it off well because that's what that sonofabitch does. (OK, MOSES IS A STRETCH, MAYBE FOSTER SCOTT WALLACE THEN.)

Me? I'll just write, "WHO'S NEXT?" and talk about how much I like "THE WHO", the band and how Manziel should have destroyed a guitar stepping on Mars while screaming YEEEAAHHHHHHHHHH like Roger Daltrey even though he's so incapable of that because none of us are capable of being Daltrey even in our most primitive moments.

Who's going to actually win the Heisman?

Tommie Frazier, of course, in some sort of bizarro world back-dated voting process.