Nebraska vs Northwestern: Wildcats To Test "Tranglation" Technology Against Huskers

The Northwestern Wildcats will be testing an experimental system at tomorrow's Nebraska game.

The technology, codenamed "Tranglation", so named as a bastardization of the word "triangulation" and the fact that Northwestern thinks of Nebraska as a bunch of backwoods hayseeds despite the state lacking in a whole lot of back woods.

Triangulation involves using angles to measure the true position of an object by measuring those angles relative to the object from each position and using advanced math called geometry. Normally, triangulation is used to determine the location of a fixed point object, but in this case, it is being used to track a moving object, specifically an object in flight, in this case being the football in the air during a pass play.

From this illustration, it's clear that Northwestern has understood triangulation for a very long time, maybe even before the Internet happened.

The technology isn't particularly difficult, especially for Northwestern since they're so full of damned smart people that we're all going to work for them someday.

During Saturday's game, several Northwestern fans will position them selves at different locations (MUCH LIKE SPIES) throughout Nebraska's Memorial Stadium. During a pass play, those fans will track the position of the ball in flight using a device that resembles a pencil, but which is really an advanced communication system that communicates their position relative to the ball in flight to a server system on the Northwestern sideline.

The server system will take into account their position, the position of the ball in flight (the two of which will provide the angles and therefore location), trajectory, velocity, along with any wind affects, then send an alert to a defensive back or receiver on the field. The defensive back or receiver will receive an alert in the form of a light within their helmet as to which side of their head the football will land.

Basically, the alert light will tell the football player if the ball is coming down to the left or right side of their head. One can only imagine the advantage this will provide.

Tracking a football in flight is nothing new for Northwestern fans as they've been doing it for years due to their immense smartness and the relative boredom that football provides to them.

It this action illegal?

No, not by NCAA standards. The NCAA Rule Book has no specific rules for communication with a player on the field, although Article 11 b, under PROHIBITED FIELD EQUIPMENT states:

Only voice communication between the press box and team area is permitted. Where press-box space is not adequate, only voice communication may originate from any area in the stands between the 25-yard lines extended to the top of the stadium. No other communication for coaching purposes is permitted anywhere else.

As explained to this reporter by the Northwestern staff, the "tranglation" system is not a system for coaching, but for "alerts".

Whether this will affect football in the future remains to be seen, but this reporter is shocked, shocked I say, as the depths as to which a really smart university will use to bend the rules and use such advanced technology to DESTROY the spirit of sport.

Warning to Nebraska fans! IF YOU HAPPEN TO SEE A NORTHWESTERN FAN USING A PENCIL DURING A PASS PLAY YOU ARE ADVISED TO TELL THEM TO SIT DOWN AND PUT IT AWAY!

This is the kind of stuff that Northwestern pulls on Nebraska! Remember last year when they tried to use pattern matching with brain waves to determine our plays? NORTHWESTERN IS AN EVIL FORCE WHICH MUST BE CRUSHED!