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Nothing says mailbag like chemically enhanced man breasts!
Nothing says mailbag like chemically enhanced man breasts!



Probably the most shocking thing about starting this mailbag is the lack of Taylor Martinez questions. I figured I'd get at least a few "What's gonna happen with Taylor this year?" inquiries, but nada. The greatest concerns seem to mostly involve the offensive line and Tim Beck. And now the defense since they've started the year a little less than dominant.

After three games which included two against decent competition (anyone who thinks Fresno St. doesn't usually play tough and occasionally shock someone on the road needs to stay in more), we know a little bit more, although the midterm exam doesn't happen until an October date in Madison.

We know Taylor's healthy, his arm's about the same and his decision-making is slowly improving. We understand why Bo wants to use all three of his new running back toys. We see a young offensive line starting to find itself. We wonder if Brandon Kinnie's inconsistency will see his senior year end on the bench as Enunwa, Bell and Turner continue to shine. We ask ourselves if this defense will hit its stride with Dennard's crew and play up to Pelini standards.

But enough serious thoughts - let's open the mail!

Get us the info we really need. What Big 10 school has the hottest chicks??
Tommy (Lincoln)

(And we're off...)

AK: You mean after us? Oh settle down, Big 10, I'm just kidding. I've been to one Big 10 campus basically, so I'll have to answer on TV impressions alone, but here goes:

Michigan - An abundance of "womyn" armed with rape whistles and mace. Since they would rather protest inequality in the workplace than party down, you may be on the receiving end of both if they've had two beers and you dare to make eye contact. Armpit and lower back hair a distinct possibility.

Minnesota - Ready for fun, shockingly cute in pockets and strangely tan for a place that can resemble Jack London's Alaska for much of the winter.

Indiana - Sorry, I said TV impressions. No data.

Purdue - Ditto.

Ohio St. - Dangerously drunk and likely to talk you up for a little bit solely for the pleasure of suddenly screaming within earshot of her boyfriend (whom she conveniently forgot to mention) that you have grabbed her ass or otherwise insulted her. When he comes up in his Joe Germaine starter jersey & starts the shoving, she will halfheartedly beg him "not to fight again" with a gleam in her eye.

Northwestern - Saw one Northwestern game last year, but it was in overtime, so the cameramen were long done scanning the crowd.

Penn State - An interesting mix. Shockingly stunning brunette one moment, female Shane Conlan the next. Very confusing to the libido.

Wisconsin - Not that I want to start a stampede for someone's daughters, but I'd rank Wisconsin right up there with Minnesota for what one might call a "target rich" environment? Let's just say that student bodies that look like they enjoy having fun? They  enjoy having fun.

Iowa - Acne-covered wildebeests whose weights fluctuate like Oprah. Hygiene can generously be described as optional and the few attractive members of this zoo are raging lesbians.
(Sorry, everyone else is trying so hard to fire up this budding rivalry; I figured I'd stoke the blaze a little.)

Michigan St. - Large and in charge.

Illinois - Donna Mills went There & I could swear I've seen some relatives bearing a strong resemblence in the stands. (CLICK HERE if you're too young to remember Donna)

Now anyone with actual knowledge, please feel free to refute below.


I'm readying up my road trip plans to Camp Randall and have nothing but a debit card, a coffin cooler, 5 friends and a sprinter van. Any advice on best place to find tickets?
Tyler (Blair, NE)

AK: No idea I've gotta get some help on this...

Matt Ricky: No

Jon: Well, you can tell him to check the ticket tab on our web site for the TIQIQ stuff, because they update that constantly. I will be doing an article about that soon because I think there's some confusion about where those tickets are coming from. (AK: Sure it's a shameless plug, but great info nonetheless)

Otherwise.... since it's a night game, he's most likely going to have to rely on scalpers, or walk around to tailgates looking for people who are too intoxicated to make it. If he's lucky, he might be able to convince a WI student into selling a ticket (WI students don't have the same restrictions as Nebraska about selling tickets, although Brett Bielama has specifically said that Wisconsin fans are NOT to sell their tickets to Husker fans).

If you're a Husker fan do not be stupid enough to wear black into the student section at Camp Randall.

HuskerMike:  If I knew of NU/Wisconsin tickets for sale at a semi-reasonable price, you think I'd tell anybody?


Bo says the sky isn't falling on defense. I'm not so sure.
Eric (Mankato, MN)

AK: I'm going with Bo on this one, because let's face it: the man has definitely got quite a bit of trust on deposit with us when it comes to defense. First of all, when you replace one of the best - if not THE best - cover corner in the country with a redshirt freshman, there's going to be some dropoff and it's going to be under the spotlight. With the possible exception of a rookie free safety getting sucked in on deep balls, no other position on defense exposes your mistakes like cornerback. New defensive tackle hits the wrong gap, the runner comes blowing thru a crowd and maybe they talk about good blocking on the play. Bite on a move and get burned deep and you're basically standing on the 5 with your pants around your ankles while the announcers pity you. I feel ya', Andrew Green - hang in there.

The defensive backfield is young, but extremely talented, so I think Bo is going to accent the positive with them rather blast them like returning starters who just don't get it. Have faith, when it comes to defense, nobody knows better than the Pelinis how to teach and motivate. The numbers may not be as dominant overall as the past couple years, but by year's end, this could be a special group.






Big 10 Head Coach cage fight tournament. I say Bo kicks ass, but my retarded pal thinks it's Brady Hoke's to lose. Who's right?
Jay (Des Moines, IA)

AK: What I think you're both overlooking is what happens to Joe Paterno after he's shoved unwillingly into the Octagon & the door is locked behind him. And does Jerry Kill just seize up again and do his impression of Steve Carrell in Dinner for Schmucks? Hoke will definitely talk a big game, but Bo has the eye of the tiger. Luke Fickell's a former defensive lineman and Pat Fitzgerald was a destroyer at linebacker. Can either fight? I'm getting giddy now, I think I have to ahold of my buddy, Justin who specializes in this kind of analysis and make it its own article.

Just happened to be looking at everyone's picks for last week. Nice job picking Michigan St. to kill my Irish. Who's relevant now, bitch?
Irish Rule! (Omaha)

AK: Yep, I think I underestimated just what Alabama did to Sparty's collective mindset. It didn't help that D'Antonio morphed into Gary Pinkel & Rick Neuheisel's love child from a strategy standpoint. Huge whiff of a guess on my part.

But, yep, 1-2. You guys are truly a force again.


What did you think of the Charlie Sheen roast last night?
Tyler P. (Grand Island)

AK: Let's face it, these roasts are never models of decorum, but the presence of Mike Tyson and Steve-O took it to a surreal level that only seemed fitting. Mike was constantly chiming in from his easy chair - and who the hell was going to tell him he couldn't? Steve-O twice took a running leap into his fist, the first puffing his eye up a little and the 2nd breaking his nose as the credits rolled. As a completely flustered Shatner said after the latter, "Steve-O? What the fuck?!"

There was no shortage of memorable zaps, my personal favorite coming from Jeff Ross (imagine!) when he said, "Anthony Jeselnik, some people are saying you're the next Greg Giraldo. Let's hope so."

The roast certainly won the battle of funny with the premier of Sheen's old show which peaked with John Stamos' cameo. There's a phrase that won't be repeated anytime soon.


OK were 4-0, yes, Iknow we havnt playd WYO yet but we are weve gotten a look @ evry1 and even thought the Big 10 sched hasnt begun and no1 weve played wuz going to beat us we at least know more than we did while takin our guess as to what wus happening in training camp. What are ur toughts?
The Maneater (Columbia, MO)

AK: Um, that drunk e-mailing from "ur" phone is hilarious? Maneater?


So can we breathe a little easier about our O-line? With the last drive of the Fresno game and much of the Washington game, they appeared to be getting some serious push and maybe even a little swagger. I know it's very, very early, but do we see the beginnings of a pipeline returning?
Jerry L. (Omaha)

AK: I'm not going to jinx that for one second. But as I said in the last mailbag, it's been way too long since we had a decorated O-lineman. Check back in two to three years and that streak may be over.

More importantly, I appear to have been dead wrong about saying that we wouldn't play all three freshman running backs, and so far, I'm thrilled about it. With Pelini and Beck's liberal use of Green and Heard in the middle quarters of the game, we unleash a fresh Burkhead on defenses in the 4th quarter to alternately dart and pound his way through crowds. Beck appears determined to establish the ground game identity, and I can't help but wonder what the Helu/Burkhead combo might have accomplished if Watson wasn't so determined to establish "balance".


So is this the e-mail I send stuff to if I have a question?
Name withheld

AK: (face palming self) Yes.