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Big Ten Countdown: 82 - CN True Hollywood Stories: Mike McCloskey

Yesterday's read was about the original Husker Triplets.  Today, is the first latest in our ongoing series "CN True fan fiction Hollywood Stories".  We are going to introduce you to a man by the name of Mike McCloskey.  He had a  four-year career in the NFL for two teams, but he became famous for making the farthest out-of-bounds catch in football history.  And it came against Nebraska.  That play set up Penn State to score the winning touchdown in 19-(you guessed it)-82.

We need to be fair, though.  Mr. McCloskey had a troubled life and what he accomplish on September 25th, 1982 completely turned it around!  We need to celebrate this and realize that we (as husker fans) were able to help this young man to become a better person and to change the world!

Mr. McCloskey was born on Thursday, February 02, 1961 in Philadelphia , PA.  He was the 15th of 16 children.  When it was known that he would be a boy, his father responded, "Well crap, I STILL don't have a little girl!  What should we name you...  Hmm, we already have Alvis, Rex, Vladimir, Waldo Jr., Darby, Hermes, Cosmo, Clovis, Filo, Reuben, Siegfried, Ichabod, Conan, and Gallagher.  Let's go with Michael.  You were suppose to be a girl so you can suffer now!  All the kids will make fun of you with a name like Michael.  They may even call you Mike!  Wouldn't that be funny!"

Family Portrait (

As you can plainly see from this picture, Waldo Jr. looks pretty bored slouching over in the front row while Conan is practicing his best "I'll chop you in half" look while holding the family cat, "Fluffy".  We can also see from this early picture where Mike's problems originated from.  That's not a bottle of root beer in his hands... (Note: not all brothers were present for this picture and many aunts and a random neighbor girl were included)  The 16th child in the family (back row, second from the right) was a girl and her name was Victoria Elizabeth McCloskey.  She was treated like a princess.

When asked as a child what he wanted to be when he grew up, Mike responded, "I want to be an astronaut!"

But Victoria chimed in saying,"You can't be an astronaut.  I'm going to be an astronaut!  You're going to be the guy that has to clean out the little hose thing that astronauts, you know, go in when we get back to earth."

"That's right Mike," his father would say trying to hold back his laughter.  "Your name is Mike." pfft.  "What a stupid name.  Victoria is going to be the best and you are just going to be a garbage collector!"

Michael's Future Job: Cleaning the Space Shuttles "tube" (


It was tough growing up for Michael.  Always second best (or 16th best) and he never had any real guidance or love in his life.  He headed down the wrong path as a teenager.  He started smoking (*crowd: OOOOOHH) and drinking (*crowd: AAAAAH).  He joined the meanest gang in Phiadelphia: The Cowboys.  The boyz would do terrible things like paint dogs pink, pull chairs out from under you and let go of old ladies that they had agreed to help across the street; halfway.  Halfway!  It was utter chaos for the senior citizen community in town.  Mike, hating the name his father gave him, changed his name to Jeffery.  Throughout the land he became known as "Jeffery the Kid" and wanted posters were hammered to the walls of all the local saloons.

He was a bad man.(

He was finally hunted down in a little town called State College, PA by Sheriff Joe Paterno.  "I'm the law around here," he said.  "I'm willing to give you one last chance.  There are these cornshucking farmers from out west that we need to take down.  I'll make sure you have all the right tools and get the support you need.  If you help us, you will be a hero and everyone around these parts will love the name Michael McCloskey."  Mike agreed and the showdown took place on September 25th, 1982.  Imagine a western movie where the big bad gang rides into town.  This group was a bunch of guys coming in on their high horses with scarlet and cream colored armbands calling themselves "Huskers".  They were shooting their cap guns at each other all bad-ass like.  Then out of nowhere, McCloskey's gun went off and he said, "I GOT YOU!  YOU'RE DEAD!"

"Nuh Uhn," said one of the Huskers.

"Yea-huh!," he replied.

"No way, you didn't get me!"

"Yes I did.  I killed you!"

"No you missed!"

"I got you right in the head!"

"No you only singed my arm!  See there's the hole in my shirt!  That's where you got me!"

"What's going on here," questioned the banker, Mr. NCAA.

"I got him!"

"No you didn't!"

"Ok," said Mr. Banker, "I'll solve this problem.  He got you.  Yep, you're dead."

And there was much rejoicing in the little town and Mike was a hero.  They would go on to win the cap-gun championship while the Huskers would complain for years about a mysterious bullet that really did miss them.

So remember Husker fans, because of our loss to Penn State that year, Mike McCloskey became the wonderful, caring, sensitive, rational man that he is today:  a politician that helped end the Space Shuttle program.

Space Shuttle Cafe.(