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Nebraska: New Offensive Coordinator Wanted But Qualifications May Be Impossible To Fill

You've probably seen it already, it's everywhere - the job posting for an Assistant Coach - Football, with a job description that looks like this: 

Responsible for offensive game preparation, on-field strategies and game tactics. Conduct student-athlete recruiting, monitor academic progress of current student athletes and provide instruction to team in the execution of offensive schemes and techniques.  

It makes it reasonable enough to believe that Shawn Watson's position has been usurped, doesn't it? 

If that's the case, why hasn't there been an announcement that he's resigned, been fired, or found in a dark alley with a .22 slug in the back of his head? Why? 

Because there's no certainty that anyone on planet earth can meet the qualifications. Get a load of these: 


  • Bachelor's plus three years successful collegiate coaching experience required; equivalency.
  • Demonstrated ability to recruit national-level student athletes necessary.
  • Must have knowledge and commitment to NCAA,Conference, and University regulations.
  • Excellent interpersonal/organizational skills essential.
  • Great Hair
  • Pat Head and Rub Tummy Simultaneously - Immediately When Asked Every Time
  • Lick Nose With Tongue
  • Take What You Want (Unless the Head Coach or Defensive Coordinator Wants It First) 
  • Understand Difference Between Lombardy, Piedmont, Liguria, Tuscany, Umbria, and Campania cuisines and cook accordingly
  • Score 30 points per game (every game not average) as long as employed by University of Nebraska

I thought about applying, but that damned Pat Head and Rub Tummy thing always kicks my ass.