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Nebraska vs. Ohio St: LIVE FROM THE BAR!

By Andy Ketterson

Greetings everyone! I'm coming live to you tonight from the Nebraska sideline. OK, that's a complete lie. I'm at Tiger Tom's Bar & Grill located southeast of 72 & Military in Omaha. I'm joined by Drew the bartender, Joyce, who threw a drunken rant of epic proportions last night, Elias a customer of indeterminite Hispanic origin, Drunken Steve and assorted old farts and regulars. And my 1st Sailor & Coke. Care to join us?

6:57 - The laptop is up and running & we will be here until the bitter end. Or the battery dies. whichever comes first.

7:02 - Matt Millen? What did we do to deserve this? 

7:04 - All eyes are on Taylor Martinez tonight says someone. Gosh, do you think? To say the blame on him is a little misplaced is unfair to say the least. Would Phil Fullmer ever have run Peyton Manning on 14 out of 15 plays? I thought not.

7:07 - Oklahoma 55 Texas 17. The rest of the conference is slapping them down at every opportunity. Hey, Texas, Makovic days are here again. Yes, I'm enjoying this very much.

7:09 - Here come the Huskers!!! Whoo!!! All is forgiven. That Wisconsin game SO last week.

7:12 - Is Jimmy Fallon behaving like an ass and not being funny actually helping Capital One sell credit cards? I didn't think so. 

7:13 - And we're off. Ohio St. takes a delay of game on the first play as a screaming drunk guy hits the floor. Which leads me to ask. How do you not know your first play? And how do you almost pass out right after kickoff?

 7:17- Bo Peilini is a witch. He dives head first into the offense and outside of play selection, they appear to be tougher and more efficient. However, the defense is suffering. Not so sure that can be blamed on Carl, though. It could be a couple years before it's built for the Big 10.

7:22 - Eric Martin apparently has modeled himself after the main bad guy in the Road Warrior. I can't get a vision of him screaming & crashing through the windshield  of a semi tanker out of my head. Yes, I'm still on my 1st drink. 

7:24 - A horrifyingly shitty offense's drive has finally been stopped. I'm still nauseous. I think Fickell actually has them run a 3 and out drill. "NO! NO! I SAID OVERTHROW HIM ON 3RD DOWN!!"

7:28 - Unbelievable. I'm thinking of naming my next child Ameer. That will require a reversal of a surgery that I'm not quite ready to have. But you know, if the rockets were still firing, I would totally do it.

7:31 - 50 yard field goal and kick out of the end zone to start the game. Alex who? OK, that's ridiculous, but it's not quite as painful an adjustment as we had feared, is it?

7:37 - Braxton Miller will NOT be running all night long. He took 3 or 4 SHOTS on that 1st drive. But right now, it is pissing me off nonetheless. Has Nebraska ever truly contained a mobile QB? I still say if Tee Martin had started the Orange Bowl instead of Peyton Manning, it would have been a different game. Yes, I'm serious. Count Peyton and Tee's national titles then.

7:39 - The fat drunken doucheknuckle who fell over off his stool is back in a sitting position and much, much quieter. I don't usually cheer a concussion, but I'm totally grateful for this one.

7:42 - Defensively, it might be time to panic. Stoneburner? WTF? I don't even think the EA Sports NCAA Football name generator could come up with that.

7:47 - OK, this game already sucks, so here are Tiger's dinner specials: 7 oz  sirloin $11.95, Sweet n Spicy Steak Wrap $6.75, Super Crisp Chix Sammich $6.75. Blackened Chix Pepperjack Melt $7.95, Steak Chef Salad $8.50. Black Shirts - possibly not available for 2011.

7:49 - Taylor is barking out signals with :02 left in the quarter and the clock running. Which he apparentlt can't see.

7:51 - OK, didn't mean to pile on there but honestly. The first quarter took about 37 minutes. This could be the fastest college football game of the last 14 years. Until Beck dials up 27 straight pass plays. No, no, I'm doing it again. I kid, I think in the long run, Beck, with Pelini and Ozzy dispensing advice, will do great things. But he is a rookie OC, so let's cut him some slack. Even me.

7:55 - Kyler Reed, welcome back!

7:56 - "Takes too long!! Run something fucking quicker, you asshole!!" Ah, the bar. It's like sitting right there with Keith Jackson and Chris Fowler.

7:59 - This is a lot of fun. Tonight, I was going to yank my stomach hairs out one at a time with tweezers and then let my dog donkey kick me in the balls, but I decided to come here instead. Good call.

8:05 - Actually, a heads up catch & stretch by Kinnie. Hope he's put the dropsies behind him.

8:06 - How can such a fast kid be such a lousy scrambler? That is truly baffling.

8:07 - But at least there's Maher.

8:12 - Sorry, had to take a few deep calming drinks. And then? YES, A BLACKSHIRT MOMENT!! Time for more lucky drinks!!

8:16 - OK, bright spot time. Bell, Turner, Abdullah, Green and Heard give us some serious playmakers for the future. For now, we're handing off to Tim Marlowe.

8:18 - Matt Millen says Martinez' form isn't pretty. Glad he's here.

8:23 - Drunken Steve even got disgusted & left. And he would drink a shot of Beam off the sidewalk if someone poured it there for free.

8:21 - Everyone's way too excited about making it 17-6. I want to kick a puppy.


8:28 - Every time Taylor cranks his upper torso back at a 45 degree angle to throw a deep ball, I hide my eyes. And to make matters worse, it appears to have pissed the shit out of the defense who just had two great stops. If this escalates to another Wisconsin, this will be a VERY interesting week. As Dirk Chatelain said earlier this week, Pelini has pushed his chips all in on Martinez. Right now, it appears that Teddy KGB's sitting across the table from him reaching for an Oreo and cracking a big smile.


8:36 - Al Davis died? Or did they finally snatch the body and have a coroner make it official?

8:40 - Although it probably had to be worse being a Florida St fan and getting sucked into believing your perennial 7-4 squads were suddenly Top 5 material. Wake Forest? Really?

8:51 - Sorry. Pissed. Literally and figuratively.


8:53 - This half is starting off better than last week! Yay!

8:56 - OSU tailback Joe B Hall falls on his ass too. OK, Taylor, you're forgiven for that one.

9:02 - I miss Marvin Sanders. Seems to me that we're reverting back to the George Darlington days of defensive backs never looking for the ball.

9:13 - Can't help but think there's a severe double standard being employed when it comes to Martinez. Other players are regularly yanked for non-performance (think Tyler Moore Wisconsin), yet Carnes gets zero snaps when it would seem to make sense for mulitple reasons (QB2 needs experience in case of injury, it does no good to trot Martinez out over & over on nights he clearly doesn't have it). A bigger defender of Pelini than me, it's hard to find, but I don't like the message being sent to the team.

9:17 - Like I said, you stick with Martinez at this point. This I why I drink & type instead of coaching.

9:25 - To say we need a stop here? Yes. It's an understatement.

9:26 - See? I told you Miller was going down. I AM college football Nostradamus. Except for the Martinez thing. And a about a 100,00 other mistakes.

9:27 - Joe Bauserman? Thank you God.

9:29 - Martinez finally stepped back to scramble!!! Don't tease me...

9:32 - TD!! Quincy Enunwa scores and then challenges Brock Lesnar to a cage match. OK, maybe not, but he may be the baddest ass on the offense. If Joe Bauserman trots back out there, I'm going to allow hope back in.

9:36 - That was not smart, Frenchy.


9:41 - I'm not even going to consider how ugly this could be if Terrell Pryor was around and Boom Herron was playing.

9:42 - "LAVONTE YOURE THE MAN!!!!!!!!!!" The bar is alive.

9:45 - The battery is dying. This thread will not see the clock hit 0:00. But that's good because if we come all the way back and tragedy strikes, I really don't want the laptop available as a weapon.

9:48 - Fullback Rex Burkhead? Why not?

9:49 - Nice scrambling by Martinez. My boxer briefs are now brown.

9:54 - "Ohio St. has much fewer options with Joe Bauserman in the game." OK, Matt Millen didn't say this but he could have. Do he and Tim McCarver hang out together and say things like "That sun sure is bright today"?

9:57 - Jesus Martinez. Slide or run. Don't just fucking stop.

9:59 - The answer is Mike McNeill and Kyler Reed. Name two Husker tight ends we under-utilize.

10:00 - Welcome to the Big 10?? Gargle my balls. How about welcome to Lincoln? This shit is TIED!

10:05 - OK, Frenchy, the slate's clean.


10:08 - Just got the official battery's about to die warning, so I'll be cutting out soon. but it appears the worm has turned. Luke Fickell is making the Lt. Gorman in Aliens face, converted Frenchmen WR's are picking balls off & fullback Rex Burkhead just gave us the lead. Have a shot for me & good night!


10:10 - And thank Christ for Joe Bauserman.

10:15 - Rex is in there to call fair catch as soon as the ball meets punter foot. But only because Santino Panico isn't rostered.

10:22 - This battery backup is like Keith Richards after an 8-ball and a fifth of John  Daniels, to quote Colonel Slade. It refuses to die. Sort of like Rex Burkhead, fullback.
10:24 - "Two guys put this team on their back. Rex Burkhead and Taylor Martinez. And Lavonte David." I'm speechless.
10:28 - Not sure whats a bigger comeback, the Huskers or this beer-farting laptop. I'm going to use it's dying moments to hit on Facebook chicks I've never met. Sleep tite Husker Nation. You know, in 3 or 4 hours or so.... Later!!@!

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