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Ron Zook After Illinois: Guidance Counselor

If Illinois really cares about their football program, the Zooker won't likely be around by the time Nebraska begins Big Ten play. That's a darned shame. As things go, he'll probably be replaced with a much more bland version of himself (redundant redundant!) and the conference will suffer because of it. 

The Zooker won't suffer, though, because he can see your future. He can take one look at you and know what you're all about. After coaching, he could step right in and start a new career as a guidance counselor.

My guidance counselor was worthless and left me wondering how someone got paid for doing nothing (or maybe his crystal ball showed me bound for jail so he figured I wasn't worth the time or effort), but The Zooker could save today's youth thousands of dollars in college tuition by pointing them in the right direction. 

The key here is "pointing them", but not "coaching them", as The Zooker can bring 'em in, but just can't get much out of them after they get there. 

Will he be there for Husker fans to make fun of? I certainly hope so, but if he's not, your high school had better have a plan in place for him.