clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Olympic Sized H8 For the Great White North

New, comments
Julian Finney

Our old friend, AJ the Huskerh8er, has emerged from his retirement to offer the following guest editorial in response to yesterday's 3-2 win by Canada over the United States to win the Olympic Gold Medal in hockey.

Hi.  It’s really nice to speak to you again.

My name is AJ, and there is a very good chance you know who I am.  I would not blame you one bit if you stopped reading at this point, and e-mailed the kind management of this blog to NEVER publish anything of mine again.  (If somebody who once claimed my hall-of-fame coach was into booze, women and snuff films wanted my attention, that’s probably what I would do as well.)

However, if you’ve made it this far, I only ask that you might hear me out on something.   You might discount anything I’ve ever written, and again…that’s OK.  However, if there is ONE thing I know about, it’s hating things to a raw state of overkill for what seems like no good reason at all.   I mean, when CNN talks to about Hurricanes, do they turn to a 5th grade shop teacher from Akron?   No, they go to the experts.   With that being said, I’ve asked the kind Husker bloggers you know and love to give me this platform for one reason and one reason only….

Canadians are getting WAY too much love and respect in this country today.

Now I know what you’re thinking, "But crazy ex-blogger hater guy, how can anyone hate Canada?  They’re so friendly and pure for their love of country and sport.  Only YOU would stoop so low as to say such horrible things about such great people."    Fine.  Fair enough.

But what I don’t think you understand is that while their lips say one thing…their actions say another:   Yeah, they’re no better than the rest of the world, and hate our guts as Americans.

Oh sure, they’re thankful for our trade alliances, NATO brotherhood and the fact that we keep them safe from UFO’s and Russian nukes on a nightly basis.  And yes, they love our tourist dollars, Madonna and our 10 hours per day of Friends reruns….but in the end, the only difference between Canadians and Al Qaeda is flannel.    Oh sure, they don’t strap explosives to their torso and walk into a Seattle Wal-Mart on a weekly basis; but their hatred is there all the same…it’s just a bit tougher to find under 4 layers of thermal underwear.

OK, comparing Canada to terroristic homicidal 12th century ideology and the greatest threat to western security of all time might be a TINGE of a stretch.   I understand that.  But I say that to make a bigger point:  They hate you and me all the same, they just choose to show it in completely different ways.   I know I’d respect Canada a whole hell of a lot more if they’d just flat out say it.  How can they say one thing, yet do another?   Maybe it’s just me, but showing disdain and dislike behind a façade of kindness and manners is beyond infuriating.    (Hmmmm…this sounds familiar for some reason)

Perhaps I’m an ugly American?  Perhaps I’m completely ego-driven to think that my country should win EVERYTHING in EVERY sport?   Or perhaps I just so happen to see through fake personas better than everybody?  Or maybe I’m just flat out paranoid?   Truth be told…it doesn’t matter, because international competition is the perfect platform to spread our imperialistic domination to other parts of the globe.   I mean, as Lombardi said:  "If winning isn’t the only thing, why do they keep score?"   Exactly.   I want my country to win everything.   Luge.  Ping Pong.  Ice Dancing.  Scrabble.  You name it.  When it comes to sports…international sports especially, there is absolutely no room for alliances, brotherhood or passive apathy celebrating, "all that is good for sports".    Patriotism is the ultimate team spirit in that it brings everyday enemies such as you and I together…if even for a few days.

Still don’t feel the hate?

THESE PEOPLE SENT US NICKELBACK FOR GOD’S SAKE!  (That alone is the perfect reason to warm the ICBM’s up in the bullpen).

So you don’t room in your heart to hate these people?  Fine.  I will try and get you started:

Sidney Crosby is an over-hyped, smarmy ass, soft-as-velvet pretty boy, who despite being surrounded by more talent, isn’t ½ the player or man that Alex Ovechkin is.   Congratulations Sid, you cherry picked a point blank pass after doing absolutely nothing for an entire tournament.    Ryan Getzlaf is a puck hogging punk, and Chris Pronger is a has-been 6 foot 6 inch thug, who has started more fights than Johnny Walker.

SCTV was never funny.  Not even once.  Not even accidentally.  OK sure, John Candy had a few moments that might make you smirk a little bit and was royally screwed by the Academy for his role in Uncle Buck;   But the whole McKenzie brothers thing?  HAHAHAH They like beer!  HAHAHAH they talk funny!  HAHAHAHA they live in a hut on a frozen lake.  HA HA HO HO HEE HEE.   Pure hilarity.

Even in his prime, Wayne Gretzky wouldn’t win a starting point guard, linebacker or center fielder job in the United States if his life depended on it.  In another place and time, he would probably wouldn’t rank in the top 15,000 pure athletes in the United States and was still too much of a candy ass that he had to have Ken Linseman and Don Jackson fight his fights for him.  Dude married one of the ugliest supermodels of all time, and not only stole our dignity, but the number 99 too. (Which used to be reserved for true bad asses like Charlie Sheen in Major League…now it just sits on the wall of every arena in the country…collecting dust.)  And what kind of sports legend needs a Chevy Silverado to get to the Olympic Cauldron?    Think Cal Ripken would have ridden in the back of a truck?  Hell no.  Dude would have crawled on the pavement to light that thing, if that’s what it took.

Do you think the United States would send a SLAM POET, William Shatner and four giant inflatable beavers to perform in our Olympic ceremonies?     Dancing Mounties?  Really?

Friends, we have been humiliated on the world stage by people who live in towns called "Moose Jaw", "Saskatoon" and "Dildo" (Look it up).    I mean, don’t you have any pride?  Doesn’t this anger anyone else?  Could there be anything more humiliating than to know that some 70 year old guy in flannel pajamas with a button-up flap in the back is sitting in a shack next to 100,000 square miles of fir trees, laughing his ass off right now, thinking he’s better than you at anything other than trapping small mammals?   Some of them even speak French for God’s sake!

Still not fired up?  Two words:  Metric System

Sure, the world will not end for us Americans after this humiliating defeat, because we have better things to do.   March Madness is coming.  Baseball spring training games start this week….College football drills coming up soon and the gigantic glacier that has formed in my backyard over the past few months is beginning to show signs of slowing down its growth.    We have Las Vegas, Hawaii, Disney World, the Rose Bowl, the Hollywood strip, Jerry World in Arlington, the Grand Canyon, Daytona Beach, the Empire State Building and more strip clubs per capita than any other nation on the planet.    Life is good right now.

But I swear to you this right now…. I am NOT about to lose one ounce of my National pride to a country full of people who find Martin Short the least bit funny.   You might, but not me.   Call it sour grapes.  Call it crybaby diplomacy.  Call it poor sportsmanship displayed by an ugly American with an already more-than-sketchy past filled with uncouth moments.   Fine.  I don’t care.

Just remember one thing:  Hatred is in the not within the eye of the beholder, but lies within all living things.  Despite appearances and first impressions,  people who seem to display the very best in human kind can carry the most evil and the most reason for disdain.   It’s certainly not that hard to welcome the world in one breath, while acting like an arrogant, pompous backwoods lumberjack a-holes the next.   It certainly isn’t difficult to shout to the mountaintops, "We’re friendly eh!", while immediately following it hypocritical gibberish to the rest of the world.   Were Vancouver officials overly concerned about perception when their beer guzzling women’s hockey team showed their true sportsmanship to the world?  Or was it on display when they sent an American snowboarder home for doing nothing more than posing for a picture with some drunk girl at a bar?      Is it really THAT hard to say one thing while thinking the opposite?

Didn’t I say earlier it was nice to be able to speak to you folks again?

I rest my case

Thanks for your time.