I, like many of you, have been in my fair share of sports bars and even though it isn’t always on some handmade sign there are two rules in just about any bar where men go to get piss drunk and carry on about their exploits in Thailand: No politics and no religion. This is a good idea when owning an establishment that carries more booze than a bunch of pledges during Rush Week, but looking at the current administration I can’t remain silent any longer. It’s a political year and sometimes things just have to be said, people have to take a stand and take a risk. With that in mind I’m tossing my hat in the ring for President of NCAA College Football.
No we’re not talking about the NCAA. Those guys could pass ideas the Big Boss’ way and hey, being a man of ALL the people I’m more than willing to hear even the creators of the BCS out, but this isn’t about them, my constituency. This is about the sport and just what needs to be done for it. "What platform is he running on?" you may ask. Well college football IS a business at its foundation, sure, but as a guy who knows how to market something I know you may as well get the most bang for your buck.
Issue #1) Students Come First Initiative: Whether a young jock or jersey chaser college is a very significant portion of their lives. They find whether or not they can truly rake through the muck of the most boring of courses, get a passing grade with a hangover and Rick Roll as many people on campus as possible but it goes beyond that.
When college football Saturday comes around I see some students getting treated like they’re not inserting thousands of dollars of debt into their lives as we speak and damnit, THINK OF THE CHILDREN. Some student sections are placed just fine but at the University of Nebraska the latest shuffling will not stand. As President of College Football, I will pass a law decreeing that college students be sat on the home sideline in their current ticket allotment between the 50-yard-line and the band. If you don’t want plastic cups with sometimes unidentifiable liquid hitting you in the back of the head you’ll see my logic in this.
Issue #2) Playoffs: It was an inevitable topic, but I know this: Under my administration the BCS is outta here. I pondered what would be the proper way for determining a national champion. Should we revert back to what I lovingly refer to as the "Bowl Paranoia Days" where a team just happened to end up in one bowl or another? Nah. While fun to complain about in the offseason, an eight-team playoff system will be implemented using the higher seed’s home field as the playing site for the first round, the Rose Bowl and the Orange Bowl featuring the second round and finally the usual Glendale site for the National Championship. The Fiesta Bowl can continually be the bowl Oklahoma loses to a mid-major in until further notice.
Issue #3) Bowls: How many times have you heard the phrase, "Remember when getting to a bowl used to mean something?" During my reign of ter…riffic college football management, teams deemed bowl eligible will be slotted by using a committee much like March Madness does. The "Big Boy Bowls" or playoff system will not begin until January 1st while the "Bragging Rights Bowls" with fantastic consolation prizes (a team-specific bowl T-shirt would then be worthy something on Ebay) will begin on December 26th. If you get to a bowl then you did something special.
Issue #4) Advertising: You can buy all of the ad time you want, Tostitos. Same goes for you AT&T, but there’s no more HamsterDance.com Bowl or Somethingawful.com Bowl. "Secondary" Bowls will have their old school names. Cotton, Tangerine, etc. The game is brought to you by the two teams on the field. The television company is fortunate enough to be televising it.
Issue #5) Adding "Rivalry Games": Since the inception of the Big XII Nebraska fans have missed their annual tilt with the Oklahoma Sooners. Under my administration every Athletic Director will be able to set up one special "Rivalry Game" to be played on either team’s field home and home or on a neutral field. Old rivalries should never die and with the Blankman at the helm they never will.
Now sure there are a few more issues to tackle but you have my main laundry list of items that need to be scrubbed clean. As for the Vice President of College Football? Who else?