Ah, spring time, a time of rebirth, of things anew, a time at which all the snow melts to reveal a winter’s worth of what the neighbor’s dog has done in my yard! For Husker fans it’s a time to revel in a new coaching staff, damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead.
But how do we know the capabilities of these coaches? How can we measure their worthiness? Bringing to mind the cliche’ "the strongest part of the chain is it’s weakest link" I decided to devise a test to affirm that at least one key member of our new coaching staff had unimpeachable guile, unimpedable tenacity, and other phrases that imploriate knightly behavior.
From nowhere, it hit me. Any man who would call himself the chief defender of the scarlet and cream must be capable of making correct snap decisions under pressure, even in their weakest moment. After careful research I concluded that everyone’s weakest moment comes at 3:00 am.
On four consecutive nights, I called Carl Pelini’s phone at 3:00 am. Caller ID was hacked to make it appear as if were coming from itself ("We’ve traced the calls. They’re coming from inside the house!") to add to the confusion of the moment. Upon answering Pelini was immediately told (in my best James Earl Jones) the opponent, formation, game time, yard marker, down and distance, then given 15 seconds to make the correct defensive call.
I am pleased to say Carl Pelini got the defensive calls correct three nights in a row. On the fourth night Pelini answered the phone on the first ring. He then began a verbal assault that lasted four and a half minutes, covering every one of our relatives, 23 states, and a number of fruits and vegetables. Upon review we noted that he didn’t inhale for the entire four and a half minutes.
This was also the correct response. When put to the test, Carl Pelini went four for four. Having put him through the grinder, Carl Pelini is an excellent choice as Nebraska’s new defensive coordinator. He’s a guy you can count on.
Carl Pelini earns the Corn Nation Seal of Approval! (and as soon as I can get a graphic made for that, it’ll go right here)