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Keys to the Game: Oklahoma

…what? You want me to try to spin this? Oklahoma’s got so many ways to absolutely use and abuse our secondary it’s not even funny. Okay, I understand. It’s the interest of fairness, any given Saturday, etc. and, indeed, this team is not the same team, etc. etc. etc. Here is what has to happen for Nebraska to beat Oklahoma in Norman this Saturday:

1.) Perfect Football – This means no mistakes, no stupid penalties, no fumbles lost, no silly interceptions, no personal fouls, excellent blocking from whistle to whistle, gorgeous blitz calls, the light to come on for Larry Asante at safety and Matt Holt has the game of his life ala Brandon Rigoni.

2.) Divine Intervention – The Almighty looks down on the Sooners and for every time they have cheated (I said they, back off), for every time Sooner Magic has reared it’s ugly head, for every piggy bank Barry Switzer smashed to pay off students, for everything and anything, God himself will look down upon each and every Sooner and he will say, “I SHALL SMITE THEM!”

3.) G-Virus Outbreak – The Nebraska locker room accidentally houses a vial of the experimental G-Virus currently being developed by the Umbrella Corporation which specializes in biochemical research. The Cornhuskers knock over said vial during the pre-game psych up and are instantly mutated into horrific beasts and manifestations of nature that make every Sooner need a jock change. Post-game clean up is required and pays well.

4. Bizzaro World - The Oklahoma Sooners are kidnapped by Bizzaro Forces which have invaded Earth for approximately four hours. They don the uniforms of the Sooners but wear none of the equipment properly. They run when they should pass, pass when they should run and occasionally punt on first down. Essentially many would compare this to Frank Solich’s tenure at Nebraska except for the order in which the plays are called and lack of option carries.

In Summary: I’ll happily eat my plate of crow should Nebraska up and dethrone the Sooners, but I ain’t seein’ it happening. Still, tell me you wouldn’t pay to see any one of those four options happen.