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Damn You Kansas

What did we ever do to you? We didn't come across your border, burn down a town and kill all the people in it, did we?

Yet here we are, you kicking our ass in both major sports on a perennial basis. Scoring more points against us in football than anyone's ever done before. It's just not right. It's not like you, either, to draw our ire like this. We're beginning to think there's something wrong with this relationship. You know, the one we've had.... oh, forever. We have allowed you to enjoy your basketball success. You'd let us destroy you in football. It was a nice relationship. I always felt good about it, both sides pretty much got what they wanted out of it.

Yesterday we send our basketball guys down to Lawrence, and you just go ahead and kick our asses again.

Well, enough is enough. Screw you guys, you keep this up and you're getting put on the invasion list. It's enough that Coloradans have to constantly attack us about being a dull and boring place when they never had a damned thing to do with creating the Rocky Mountains, but you guys, holy crap, your state even more geographically boring than Nebraska. You've got a football coach that's bigger than a lot of counties and you're still going on about yourselves. What's the deal?

Don't you think you're getting somewhat uppity?

You have a nice university. I thought about transferring there years ago. Hell, a good friend of mine at Nebraska even married a KU sorority girl, it was like some kind of diplomatic arrangement. Together they were the most photogenic couple ever, and 20 years later, it's still true. Kind of annoying at times, but still true.

Tell you what. Baseball season is coming soon. Say what you show some sign that you're ready to stand down a bit and we won't pull out the big stick. Give us a sweep, losing all three games with a score of, oh, say 16-1, 18-2, and the third game we'll make it look better, you losing 15-6 or something like that.

Otherwise if this arrangement keeps up,  here's what the US is going to look like circa 2012.

Colorado's already in for it, no changing that. What are they going to do to stop us, line the borders with Denver metrosexuals and drug-filled mercs hired by Aspen billionaires? Fat chance they have.

What about Kansas State, you ask? Well, they've been more friendly than you have, so in turn we'll turn KSU into an embassy of sorts. It'll be the only thing that remains with a Kansas logo of any kind, and it'll be all Wildcat. Jayhawks be gone.

Try that on, see how it fits. We'll be waiting. You're on the clock on it's ticking.