As we progress into the hazy, lazy, crazy days of summer, the FireMarkMay blog is starting a little whimsical roundtable, trying to set off a few pre-4th of July fireworks.
Give the more zealous portion of your fanbase a religion. What's this cult following? Feel free to give the splitters a derogatory nickname.
Considering how incindiary the divide between some of the factions, I'd suggest the Branch Pedersonians. (It's not like I haven't called them a cult before...)
Your biggest rival is in town, and College Gameday is coming....to your citaaaaaaay... Create a blatant corporate sellout promotion to appeal to the mass unwashed.
The easy answer is those stupid foam cornheads that shouldn't be worn by anybody over the age of eight. No, instead I'm thinking Banquet TV dinners from Nebraska's own ConAgra. The Big Red boxes will look great on TV, and since they're frequently on sale for under a buck, it won't cost all that much.
Add one local delicacy to your stadium's concessions. Post-tax pricing is optional.
This one's a toughie. Memorial Stadium already features Runza's and Valentino's pizza, which would be the first two items most former Nebraskans who come back look for. So, after thinking about it, I'll go with my favorite pre-game meal (when I'm not tailgating), and that's P.O. Pears' burgers.
With an unlimited AD budget, add or subtract one thing to your school's gameday experience that has nothing to do with football.
My first thought would be to get rid of the stupid pregame fireworks shot from above Larry the Cable Guy's skybox. They tried it in 2004 with horrible results; fans stop clapping when they see things being shot off. But then they brought it back last season with similar results. It's almost as lame as the cornhead.
Coin a hilariously unrealistic stereotype that you would like to "make stick" for this upcoming season.
You mean like Big Ten football is the best in the country, then watching them get trampled like a MAC team in their bowl game? Oh, wait a minute, you said "unrealistic"...
Ok, how about the next "Girls of the Big XII" Playboy shoot at Baylor?
Redesign your conference or independent schedule with reckless abandon. Be prepared to include compensation for jilted schools and conferences in your explanation.
Package off Texas and Colorado to the Pac-10 conference. Send Baylor and Texas Tech to the Mountain West. Send Texas A&M to the Southeastern Conference. Then raid the Big 10 for Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, Illinois, and Indiana. Set up 2 divisions, the Big 12 West with Nebraska, Oklahoma, Okie State, Kansas, K-State, and Missouri. The Big 12 East brings us Iowa, Iowa State, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, and Indiana. Take what's left of the Big 10 and rebuild it with some of the retreads from the Big East (Pitt, Louisville, West Virginia, Rutgers, and maybe UConn). That gives the Big 12 a solid midwestern base, and the Big 10 a better east cost base. And it gets those stupid Tejas schools out of our hair.
Following up on your new realignment, blow up the BCS and devise a national playoff system, money grabs and missed exams be damned. Using your new fantasy conferences is optional.
Blow up the bowls, and institute an 8 or 16 game playoff. All games played on home fields of the higher seeded team except for the title game.
Elect one public figure to replace NCAA president Myles Brand. Anyone with proper name recognition is eligible.
How about Nebraska senator Chuck Hagel? I figure that if he's got most Republicans united against him despite having one of the most conservative voting records in Congress, he won't take any guff from those university presidents.