clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Markets Rise As Tom Osborne Drops "Interim" From Title

Tom Osborne Loves You This Much!

The US stock market rose 7% Wednesday on news that the "interim" had been dropped from Tom Osborne's title as Nebraska officially accepted him as full-time athletic director until June 30, 2010.

Ralph Bakken, a day trader from Naples, Florida stated that with Osborne at the helm "we're all confident that the rough seas ahead will calm in due time."

"We were worried he wouldn't be sticking around long enough to really settle things down. The general thought was he'd only be there long enough to help hire someone else and then jet off to work on the North Korean nuclear problem. You can see how the market has responded already."

There was a general expression of joy and excitement mixed with mostly relief throughout the midwest. During rush-hour traffic in Omaha, people allowed other cars to merge and police officers in Lincoln noted that they'd seen at least ten people use their blinkers since the announcement.

As her parents were watching the news about Osborne on KETV, Lindy Lu, 5 of Gretna, found her missing teddy bear "Mr Cheekie" which has been missing for three weeks. "I know that it had to be because of Tom." said her mother, Sally.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il expressed his relief that Osborne would not be involved in talks with his nation. "I hear that Tom Osborne is one bad mutha in negotiations. Even the factory workers are happy that he is staying at wherever it is that he's staying."

Everyone appears happy with the decision. Everyone but Freda Newman of Farnam, Nebraska. "He's only got the title until 2010? Well everyone knows the alien invasion is coming in 2012. Who's going to watch over us then?", she said, and then scurried off to Walmart in North Platte to buy more batteries.