Away with normalities. Due to the irregular state of Nebraska football, we have dispensed with the normal "Bill Callahan Keys to Victory". Clearly we have moved into a realm previously undiscovered, something that closely resembles hell.
You could look for logical reasons as to why Kansas has suddenly gotten good at football. You could look at steady fundamentals and a cupcake schedule. Or you could open your mind. What's happening in Lawrence isn't about X's and O's. It's about evil.
You might think that tomorrow's game against Kansas is merely a football game against an old Big Eight opponent. Nay. It is a battle against dark forces that are poised to spread throughout the Big 12 conference unless kept in check by heroes such as our boys in Husker red.
Tomorrow, Nebraska goes up what is known as a gelatinous cube. Thus we concern ourselves with attacking the gelatinous cube, or necrotic ooze, in this case known as the Manginicube. Before attacking our opponent, we must first understand it's history.
History of the Necrotic Ooze:
The first necrotic ooze was formed by accident. The fieldhouse is which it was spawned was home to a gelatinous cube of gargantuan size. The coach that lived near the fieldhouse kept the cube alive to keep the stadium clean of any vermin or refuse. He kept the creature contained by a magical barrier to help eliminate risk to himself or his undead minions. The stadium was invaded by a group of Huskers. There was a fight between the coach's minions and our heroes. In the end the coach and his horde of undead minions were no more. The heroes left the dungeon happy that they had rid the world of the coach's threat. Little did they know that they had assisted in creating one of the most dangerous creatures in existence.
Once the coach was vanquished the magical barrier that kept the gelatinous cube contained wavered and fell. The gelatinous cube began its daily routine of scavenging and cleaning the dungeon. It came across the scene of the battle. It began to consume the corpses of the undead
creatures as well as the body of the coach. Through the magical infusions of magic the creature began to twist and change. It became the first necrotic ooze. The stadium was connected to the realm of Kansas University from various portals. The necrotic ooze founds its way in to the subterranean realm and has from there spread across Kansas, hoping to conquer other states as it continues to spread.
(So it doesn't make much sense and it's kind of circular. That's not important now. What's important is you understand that it consumes everything around it, and it's made of gelatinous ooze, gooey stuff. It doesn't look like a cube, but more like a huge blue amoeba thing. Everyone can draw a cube. It's much more difficult to draw a three dimensional amoeba thing. We'll stick with a cube. Okay? Let's move on.)
The biggest danger from this creature is it's ability to absorb and digest everything that comes in contact with it. It attacks by surprise (imagine that) mashing itself into it's victims. The Husker defense must be keen to deception and not get sucked in by its feints. The Manginicube will continue to attack until either it or it's opponents are dead.
It's important to understand how to attack such a creature. Using the wrong attacks will only make it stronger, while weakening yourself. You can't charge it, or you'd just become one with it and get digested, so using Quentin Castille to bludgeon it to death is straight out. You could hit it with Magic Missiles, but we lost Sam Keller last week and no one's sure yet whether Joe Ganz's +1 ring of magic is truly magic or cursed because it hasn't been yet used in combat.
Some have thought that if they throw enough bodies at it, it'd get so large it would blow up. When you see the size of the thing, you cannot but realize that their attempts have been futile.
If the Huskers happen to live through this game, things don't get any easier next as we take on the bonnacon of Manhattan. If you're not familiar with the beasty that is a bonnacon, it is a bull with curved horns that can shoot burning dung three furlongs out of it's ass. That's roughly the length of two football fields. Oooooeee scary!
I can only imagine the horrors that await us in the depths of college football hell that is Boulder.
Hard to believe that I'm of sound mind and body, ain't it? Maybe it's the cold medicine.