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Nebraska's Bill Callahan Set to Unveil "Perfect Play" Against Texas

Corn Nation has learned that the Huskers will unveil the 'perfect play' against the Texas Longhorns this Saturday. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a contact at the Nebraska athletic department stated that Callahan's four years of study has resulted a play so perfect it cannot be stopped.

"In fact, it's so perfect, it can barely be seen. We ran it last week in practice. The results were awesome. Less than one second after the ball was hiked, the scout team defense was simply blown off their feet."

Knocked off their feet?

Thousands of days. Thousands of plays. All of it to reach "The One".

"No, blown off their feet by the sheer awesomeness of the play. It wasn't because the offensive players had hit them, they didn't touch them. They simply couldn't withstand the...the... the awesomeness of it, the beauty of it. Kind of like a normal football play started then there was this blinding light and a shock wave of power."

That wasn't all that happened. According to the source, defensive line coach Buddy Wyatt was temporarily blinded, and offensive line coach Dennis Wagner was knocked unconscious for several minutes.

Later, Callahan said that wasn't the "perfect" play, but a close semblance. He'd purposefully had the right tackle line up 2.5" out of his true position to minimize the potential for injury. The play isn't in Callahan's play book because it can't be written down as a complete play. Callahan reportedly tried to show the full play once during a coach's meeting, but as he was completing the diagram, one of the graduate assistants nearly died. The near-death experience told Callahan he was close to something special.

"It's why he's been so freaky lately. He's been so close to a break-through. He didn't want his research thwarted like it was with the Raiders. He's been through thousands of formations, he's been saying it for years but people haven't understood. 'We're getting ready to explode, we're only one play away, we're so close' - he wasn't kidding about any of it".

To safeguard the players, he's resorted to writing each player's assignment down on an index card. That way players aren't exposed to the complete play and therefore they won't be adversely affected. When the play is called Saturday, players will pull the index card from their socks that have their specific assignment and then execute the assignment, collectively running the "perfect play".

After the play is run, Texas will have no choice but to concede the game. They won't have any will to play football any more, knowing that they cannot withstand the force of the 'play'. Callahan is betting that the rest of the nation will do the same, ending the season on Sunday and crowning Nebraska national champions and Bill Callahan the most perfect coach of all time.

When asked why he had come forward, the contact voiced his concern for the Texas players and fans at the game. And the game of football as we know it.

"I don't know what will happen to them. I'm thinking they'll just be knocked out or temporarily stunned, but they could be permanently blinded. Either way, they'll never be able to watch football again. I thought at least that I could save the children. It's madness. It really is. I think Bill is counting on it ending football as we know it. And it just may do that."