FanPost

The diabolical truth behind Lil Red

When Jon suggested I elaborate further on why I hate the demonspawn known to the world as "Lil’ Red", I was skeptical. I know Jon to be a good man in most respects, but he is a "fan" of it. And by "fan", Jon is ultimately under the control of the demonspawn and will betray anyone…even those closest and most dear to him…in order to protect and serve his master. But, I came to the decision that I must. I will risk my life in order to get this information out, with the hope that those who come after me will find a way to destroy the menace.

As I explained in the comment to Jon’s accusation that I and my compatriots are "haterz", I fight the demonspawn to protect our childrens’ souls. Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous to most of you. But most of you have been brainwashed by it. I have seen the light, seen through the lies and deception. Much like Rowdy Roddy in "They Live", I know what’s really going on.

Theylivelilred_medium

via i218.photobucket.com

But how to prove this? How to convince those in future generations that haven’t yet been enslaved, to avoid getting too close to it? To not believe it’s tricks. I had to do some clandestine investigating. So, in preparation, I slept at a Holiday Inn, and hung out at OTE a lot (buncha lawyers and AAU-type folks over there). Then I travelled to Pennsylvania to Dr. Barbara Hibner’s gravesite. And this is what I found.

Hibnertombstone_medium

via i218.photobucket.com

Now, I know what you’re thinking. "That’s obviously photo shopped! You’re a liar, a faker! SHENANIGANS!" Allow me to explain. I have "translated" the wording at the bottom of the tombstone to another language, in an approximation of what is really there. I dare not show the original wording. While those of us true to the cause would never utter out loud the original wording, what someone else might do with that knowledge could be horrifying. What is written there, that most men cannot see, can never again be spoken out loud. Besides, it’s magical writing, and didn’t show up on the picture, so I had to improvise.

Now, as for the meaning, if one is to give Dr. Hibner the benefit of the doubt, I believe she may have mistranslated. The above can be translated to:

Golden Belts and Crystal Balls
The four horsemen are undefeated
Hide the face of danger to children
Your children to eat the sweet life

That in and of itself doesn’t seem necessarily bad. And if uttered, she may not have understood the consequences. The last line even sounds positive. Nebraska is "The Good Life", she may have thought "the sweet life" meant this was Nebraska’s destiny. But the last two lines could be translated another way, and I believe the correct translation should have been:

Golden Belts and Crystal Balls
The four horsemen are undefeated
The childlike face hides danger
The delicious souls of your children will be eaten

It’s right there. For championships and undefeated seasons, your children’s souls will be eaten, and it’s the childlike face that hides this danger. IT’S RIGHT THERE IN BLACK AND WHITE! What more proof do you need?

Where she got this curse, I do not know. What exact type of demonic subcreature is Lil’ Red remains a mystery. How to destroy it, has baffled my brethren since Lil’ Red’s inception and the fight for our offspring’s souls began. Was it the long-rumored Necronomicon? An unearthed biblical text? Something hidden in the AAU bylaws? I have tried a séance to speak with Dr. Hibner, to no avail. I may not have the ability, or she may be unwilling to reveal the source (if this whole mess was intentional). Until we can locate the source, we won’t know if it contains a way to destroy it. As I mentioned before, fire doesn’t work. And lasers…well…that only multiplies the issue. So far, the closest "successful" solution seems to be banishment into space. But Nebraska doesn’t have a space program like Purdue, and can’t afford to buy our way into theirs like Northwestern can. So we are left to suffer.

Please, current and future Husker fans. If you value our children and our sports teams, rise up! Reject the succubus’ spell, and fight against Lil’ Red! Don’t let my struggle be in vain.

Remember, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they’re not really out to get you. Words to live by!

This FanPost created by a registered user of Corn Nation.

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