All right everyone. I'm back from the 19th hole and I wanted to give you guys my worst case scenario for the Wyoming game. (Cowboy Altitude) Why worst case? Because if you think of the worst, it could never possibly happen. (Which is why everyone should imagine Iowa going 12-0 RIGHT NOW.) So without further ado, here we go.
The season kicks off with ardor and fanfare as the trumpets from UNL's Marching Band chime in with the Band Song and Hail Varsity. Unfortunately, an ill omen occurs during the pregame march as Trumpet "A Rank" Leader Stevie VonFlugelforgen's head explodes. He had felt obligated to try and play the highest imaginable note possible and was quoted saying, "I'm the A Rank Leader. It's my obligation to not play what's written on the sheet music, but to pretend like I know the right chords and play as high of a note as possible. Even if it sounds like shit."
The entire stadium is devastated by the icky red spot on the 20 yard line, but they play the game anyway. Ameer Abdullah is in tears for the loss of this dude and proceeds to fumble the opening kick off that Wyoming jumps on in the endzone to take a 7-0 lead. The air is sucked out of the thousands of helium balloons waiting for the first touchdown as Nebraska can do nothing on offense against the powerful Cowboy defensive front. Meanwhile, Wyoming's offense moves up and down the field, exposing the young Blackshirts. They take a 28-0 lead into halftime.
The fans are in shock. ESPN is reporting the demise of the Big Ten. In Wyoming, the one TV station is reporting that Brad Smith is the second coming. Faces in Huskerland are down and gloom. Bo Pelini can't even yell because he decided to have jaw surgery for sleep apnea. Not ready to let his senior season become a bust before September, Taylor Martinez puts in the movie, Independence Day, and shows President Thomas Whitmore's inspirational speech.
It fires up the team and as they run back on the field, you could hear Kenny Bell screaming that he's gonna shove the football from his next TD catch up an alien's ass. The Husker's come storming back in the second half. The crowd is on fire. Nebraska gets the ball back with 1:58 remaining in the fourth quarter down 28-27. Taylor Martinez breaks a big run behind guard Spencer Long and marches the Huskers down to the 10-yard line with :05 to go. The Western Illinois transfer, Pat Smith, is called on to make the chip shot to win it. The ball is snapped. The kick is up. And a laser beam comes out of nowhere and vaporizes the ball in mid air! The clock runs out and Wyoming survives with their upset bid.
The crowd is in stunned silence. During all the chaos, the cameraman who gets paid to spy on Bo Pelini all day (you know, the guy waiting for him to go off on a tirade), tries to find the answer. He spots an Alien, who looks eerily similar to Dan Beebe, sitting on top of the new East Stadium expansion. He was laughing in his little alien way (you know, like women laugh at a little tiny penis, not that I would know, but I've heard stories...). At once, all of the video screens in the stadium switch over to the hideous beast. Boo's fill the air as he is pelted with trash and death threats. Mr. Alien decides it's time to take his leave and hops into his flying saucer that was apparently parked behind the backside of the stadium. He takes one last victory lap around the field and then flies out west into the sunset. Pelini is demanding one more second on the clock for interference, but the ref says that there's noting in the rulebook about alien interference. Nebraska starts the season 0-1.