Earlier today, Kate Upton was spotted on the campus of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. It generated so much buzz that there was almost no productivity in the city for the first time since Wednesday's Matt Damon sighting. Lines were seen from Stadium Drive all the way out to 70th Street. Fights broke out at various locations along "O" street. There were also a plethora of DUI's. One involved former Husker, Alfonzo Dennard when he had a little too much to drink.
But anyway, Kate looked absolutely ravishing during her tour of the campus. Most of the morning she was waving and smiling and winking at all the star-struck locals. She ate her lunch at Neihardt (NERDS!) and visited the rec center and fountains near the union. Near the end of the morning, as she was starting to say her goodbyes, I noticed that a young man had been following her around during her entire visit. I asked her who that man was and she responded, "Oh shit. Yea. This is my nephew and we were suppose to visit the campus to see if he would want to play football here. I completely forgot!"
At that point, our group turned our attention to the Stadium and the academic resources available to UNL athletes (because that's why kids come to play here) for a quick tour. During our walk, I overheard the young man say that his name was Stephen.
You know what, I might get two stories out of this, I thought. I should be excited right? Kate Upton and a story about recruiting! Everyone in the state, nay the entire world, loves nothing more than to read about future recruits who, odds are, won't ever even see the field at Memorial Stadium! There can be absolutely nothing better than a story about recruiting, right? Maybe people will start to pay us for a subscription to read about recruiting!
Let's be honest, very few people actually care about recruiting. No one pays for recruiting anymore because it's all over twitter in 5 minutes anyway. I also realized that even fewer people probably care about Stephen. Everyone just wants to get their picture taken with Kate. That's the story here. But, since this is a Husker site, I need to at least mention the potential future football star. So, I did some research and found out that Stephen Upton was last rated by rivals as a 6-star "play anything" stud muffin. ESPN rates him as a 7-star "ultimate football player". They also mentioned that he is known as "possibly being the greatest athletic specimen that has ever walked the Earth." Since he had a decent recruiting rating, I decided to make time to ask him one question. "Stephen, what gives man?"
He replied, "Nebraska has to be the best place I've ever visited. I'm from Michigan and (*mind wanders - dam Kate looks good) all we ever hear about Nebraska is that it's a barren wasteland of rednecks and cows. But it's not! It's really great! Everyone (*Wandering again; don't really care dude) is helpful and the tradition is unmatched. Besides, only 90% of the state is a suck hole (I wonder if she is doing anything later?) anyway. My aunt said that I don't have to visit those places. When Coach Bo Pelini started talking about Gerald Ford (Ford? Dam. I wonder if she'd let me drive her around in my Chevy), I was like 'This is totally the place for me!'"
Whatever. Unfortunately, because Stephen (I hate typing that. I'm gong to use "little Stevie" from now on) wouldn't shut up, I lost track of where Kate went. So, I decided to dig a little on the Rivals site for more info about him. I was sorely disappointed, though. After doing the research, I remembered that rivals doesn't really report on recruits. They just assign stars, throw a picture of how bad ass they pretend to be, tell you how tall they are and where the player is from.
I did learn something from the site, though. He was from Michigan. The news came as a shock to me. Michigan! Imagine that. I knew I should have asked him that question. The Upton's are from the Spartan state and it would seem that little Stevie should be a shoe-in for one of the two state schools (Michigan and Western Michigan). I pulled out my cell phone and speed-dialed Brady Hoke to get a comment about Upton's decision. He simply responded, "I remember when Kate visited here too..."
Unfortunately, by this time Kate had gone and I was alone again. Now I have to go home and write about football and how awesome the Huskers are and how good this player is going to be for us. Nah, that's boring. Enough with the football players. All we really care about is celebrities in our wonderful flyover state, right? With all of these sightings, who could possibly show up next? Maybe some of the greatest musicians that have ever lived like Weird Al? Possibly even Chicago, Lynrrd Skynard, or Michael Buble? My guess is that God will probably be here next and anoint all of our walk-ons with supernatural powers to win us our #6thnationaltitle. It would be a field full of Man-killing Mastodons destroying everything in their path. WOOHOO. Hell, if the devil could get us No.6, I might have to write a celeb story about him, too. Either way, it would mean awesome celebrities and awesome football. There's truly no place like Nebraska. So, keep an eye out Lincoln or should I say Holly-coln! Or is it Linc-wood?
***NOTE: This piece is not a knock against Ishmail Jackson. I hope he makes the team, helps us to 4 straight National Titles (5 because the NCAA gives him another year due to how awesome he is) 4(5) Heisman trophies and becomes known as the greatest player to ever play the game.