BAH GAWD! it's the Big Ten! They're not supposed to be here tonight!
College football and pro wrestling (a.k.a. wrasslin') have more in common than you might think. They both feature hardcore rivalries, die hard fans and governing bodies that no one can tolerate.
There's also a large number of fans who enjoy both immensely. With that in mind, today we experiment with smashing the Big Ten and WWE worlds together as conference members fuse with a matching superstar.
Illinois – Ezekiel Jackson:
There's some moderate success here, but it's in the past and unless the stars align properly, you're probably stuck in neutral. To your credit, you have a respectable history and no one's going to take a fight against you lightly, but you're far less intimidating than you used to be.
Indiana – Three Man Band:
What happens when you try to cram a bunch of random names together in an effort to make a relevant entity? You, that's what.
You're not going to win any titles. Any of them. Reaching middle of the pack status would be an improvement
In the end, you just show up so you can collect a paycheck. Not everyone can be an astronaut, after all.
Iowa – Rey Mysterio:
There's tradition in the 319...and other than that, you're getting kind of stale. That might be tolerable if you weren't paid so handsomely.
Give credit where credit is due, though. Despite your knees being comprised of marshmallow, sticks and chewing gum, you go out and give it your all. Sometimes your performance is enjoyable, sometimes it's sloppy as all hell.
In the end, we can't dislike you because you'll still entertain us. Even if it's by screwing up big time.
Maryland – Goldust:
We know what we're getting with you. Primarily the look, because damn if it's hard to miss you in a crowd.
You put up a fight and actually have a decent amount of talent, but you've never really burst onto the scene as a frequent contender and it's unlikely that you will at this point.
That said, the flair's impressive. Whether that's good or bad is up to the fans.
Minnesota – Zack Ryder:
Goldy Gopher was made for the squared circle.
Unfortunately, while he may be one of the best mascots in all of college football (as evidenced above), he's still associated with a team that loses. And loses. And loses some more.
He'll find himself cheering any easy win or an upset of epic proportions once in a while (usually due to interference), but while Goldy won't be celebrating many titles, he's still awesome. SKI-U-MAH! You know it!
Michigan – John Cena:
Millions love you, millions hate you. When your iconic song is heard, boos and cheers mesh. You've held the title of champion, but not lately.
It looks like you have an opportunity or two to do so in the near future. Whether or not you will may be out of your hands and ultimately come down to a decision by those behind the scenes (or near the sidelines).
Give Michigan credit. At least there's no talk of jorts.
Michigan State – Kofi Kingston:
Despite moderate success overall, everyone knows you. Your fellow competitors aren't going to let their guard down when going up against you, either. Unfortunately, your success continues to be sporadic as of late. If you do lose, it's usually your own fault and the rest of us can see it coming a mile away.
You'll surprise us every once in a while, but we know what we're getting with you. (Kofi, no!)
Nebraska – Triple H:
You've held an amazing number of titles, made history and regardless of your less than frequent appearances in the spotlight as of late, fans still respect (and vehemently curse) your name. You're heavily involved in financial matters behind the scenes, too.
Whether or not you'll win another title in the near future is up in the air, but never say never. Regardless, you'll always be associated with "The Game (of The Century)".
Northwestern – Evan Bourne:
Ah, the plucky young gun that's always ready to pull an upset. You're fun to watch regardless of if you win or not which, well, tends to fluctuate. Despite your spot in the middle of the pack, you love what you do, you're not going anywhere and we can always expect your best shot.
Ohio State – The Rock:
IF YA SMELLLLLLL...what the BUCK...is cookin'
We all know that if you hadn't taken that self-imposed vacation, you'd likely have been the league's champion in 2012. Now that you're back, you're the favorite to take home that title in 2013. You have millions (AND MILLIONS) of fans spanning the globe chanting your name.
Right now, you're on top and it's going to take a Herculean effort to knock you off.
Penn State – The Miz:
You won it all a while back in controversial fashion before suffering a decline so bad, we thought we'd never see you again.
Fortunately, you appear to have bounced back and may even be in contention for a title. That's assuming any new challengers you may have along the way aren't just as good and end up knocking you off on the way.
Purdue – Santino Marella:
When you trot out, a sense of "Oh, I gotta see this" washes over the crowd as comedy is usually on the menu. You had some success, but that was a while ago.
You're also have a mascot that fans constantly ask about its association.
Rutgers – William Regal:
The veteran. Fans don't expect much from you these days, but they know that when you show up, they can expect a valiant effort more often than not.
Even though you're not likely to ever be as prestigious as you once were, you're not going to let anyone in the league forget who you are, what you've seen and what you've learned over the years.
Wisconsin – Jack Swagger:
So we can't understand you sometimes and you like to have a drink...or five.
You've seen plenty of success, but WOW did you tank there for a bit. You've got a new manager that fans aren't quite sure what to make of, but a title is conceivable with his help.