It's Christmas Eve!!! You haven't bought a gift for everyone yet? I know the feeling! Every year I spend my last few hours that I could have spent with my family aimlessly driving around looking for something besides a shiny rock to buy for that girl I like most!
Christmas shopping is hard. You have to look at lots of things and the worst part is you have to pretend you think about other people and care what they like. Plus, It's not like birthdays. There's all this stuff about peace and love and joy to the world and those are huge enough as it is without the pressure of trying to find a gift.
HEY! Relax! Corn Nation is here to help! You just sit right back there on your fat ass and drink more in preparation for dealing with your relations!
Corn Nation drones are standing by to deliver these gifts at a moment's notice. Our experience drone pilots can take those orders and get them to your house within minutes. (Signed waiver states that if we crash into your house/car/wife/husband/pets there will be no returns and immunity from lawsuit!)
#1 2014 Gator Bowl T-Shirt
Can't afford a bowl trip? So what! Order a Gator Bowl T-shirt online and pretend you went anyway!
I mean, Husker fans aren't traveling much, so who's going to argue with you by saying you weren't there?
#2 A Family Member Most Likely To Start The Tom Osborne - Bo Pelini Comparisons
You're sitting around with family members you barely see anymore because you're too busy working or playing the Xbox all the time or you moved to a state far away from them but are still forced to come home on the holidays. You've got nothing to say, nothing to do, and OMG Netflix has nothing anyone can agree on.
Your family needs someone who will start the Osborne-Pelini comparisons you've all heard 10,000 times before! There are 10 million iterations! It's endless!
The best part is that everyone will be angry and drinking more so you can drink as much as you want so no one will notice your drinking problem!
This is a great cheap family option because everyone who has one wants to get rid of theirs!!!!!
#3 A Husker Cheerleader Outfit
Who doesn't want to be a Husker cheerleader? No explanation necessary. No questions asked.
(May be already used/soiled/recycled, like you're going to tell anyone.)
#4 An exact replica of Taylor Martinez' Cell Phone
Imagine you're Bo Pelini. Your gift recipient has just opened the Taylor Martinez' replica cell phone and you pretend he's called his father during the 2010 Texas A&M game. He won't know what's going on. No one else will either as you start screaming in his face, calling him every name in the book! This just screams family entertainment!
Best used in these situations:
- Given to father-in-law just before you announce your divorce at Christmas!
- Given your brother-in-law who loves Bo Pelini (he'll understand, really, he will)
- Given to your least favorite nephew who needs to be taken down a notch... unless he's a better man than you and twice your size, and if so, then you're in real trouble.
#5 A DVD Set Of the Best Games of the 90s
Every Husker fan wants to live in the past, so why not contribute to current feelings of inadequacy by ordering your loved one games as played by the best Husker teams ever!
Best used to indoctrinate a younger generation as to how good Husker football used to be, because there's no better way to turn them into fans make them as angry and frustrated as you are. Nothing says the spirit of a Husker Christmas better than that!
- Additional as stocking stuffers: Pitch forks, torches, tar, feathers! HURRY THERE AREN'T MANY OF THESE LEFT IN STOCK!
#6 Replica "Greased" NCAA Football
This is a great gag gift. It's a real NCAA football that has been used in past games (maybe by Husker teams but really no, probably not), but the key is, it's been greased. NO ONE CAN HANG ON TO IT!
HAHAHAHA. Imagine the look on your friend's face when they open their gift, pull it out of the box and immediately drop it while you scream FUMMMMMMMBLLLLE!!!!!
(No returns if they complain they've been improperly coached! That's YOUR problem!)
#7 Bo Pelini-Flavored Vodka
We have no idea what it is, but it's from Ainsworth, a place in Nebraska known for producing great quality vodka (not really)!
Tastes like swearing!
Thank God it's not Carl Pelini flavored!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
#8 Tom Osborne Mask
Put this on and no one will ever disagree with you, ever! Get to go first in line for the first time ever in anything you want! Be invited everywhere! Wear it well enough and your church will let you give the Christmas eve sermon!
- Best given to yourself unless you really really really love someone else more than you. (FAT CHANCE AT THAT YOU SELFISH TURD!)
#9 Carl Pelini
Seriously, the sonofabitch needs a home. WHY NOT GIVE HIM TO YOUR FATHER-IN-LAW! Or your sister-in-law. Or your wife, if you're lookin' to get a divorce and want to make sure you keep most of the assets in the impending divorce.
Comes with his own fun.
#10 The Husker Coach Of Your Dreams
Maybe you'd like a Nebraska football coach that would never lose a game. HAHAHAHA YOU STUPID FUCKER. AS IF SUCH A THING EXISTS! THIS ISN'T "WISH FULFILLMENT" DAY - WE STILL HAVE BOUNDARIES! HAHAHAAHA
Unless you're female and the Husker Coach of Your Dreams is Scott Frost and then you are a naughty, naughty, naughty girl and if that's you... well.. we'd like to meet you.