[author note: It's never to early to start pouring the offseason Kool-Aid...]
To: B1G Offensive Coordinators
From: 2014-15 Blackshirts Front Seven
Re: Terms of Your Surrender
You are hereby requested to surrender. There will be no negotiation; this surrender must be unconditional and immediate. Should you resist, you will be "Slade" or "Keel'd". Any hesitation will result in "Gregory'd" becoming a verb faster than you can say "Clinkscales". If you need help "[Mc]Mullen" over this offer, allow us to describe the consequences. Your quarterback will feel our "Rath" so often, he will want to hide like "Moss" in the turf. Your running backs will feel like the "Guy" in the garage at the "Valentine"s Day massacre. We have no intention to "Curry" favor despite being the "Newell" kids in this conference, but that is for a"Natter" day. Playing it close to the "Vestal" will be no help as you will be beaten from here to "Okuyemi". Not only will your o-line have a few "Nickens" and scrapes, but you will probably feel like a drink--may we suggest a nice cocktail, like a "Collins" perhaps?
You should also be aware that we will have our entire linebacker "Band[eras]" back together again. If you only watch early-season film while we were "Newby"s, you might be tempted to think this will end in "Love" and "Roses" for you, but if you keep watching, it will get "Gerry" scary. Your tight ends will be shut down like a "Roach" under a shoe and feel like they faced the armies of "Alexander" the Great. Even "Santos" Claus cannot bring you a blocking scheme to open holes in this Great "Walton". A game against the Blackshirts will be "Afalava" day all around. Face it, your outlook is very "Stark[ebaum]".
So "Zaire" you have it. You have been put on notice. The clock is ticking.