It'd be more fun making fun of Minnesota fans if they didn't make so dadgummed much fun of themselves. At that point, you start feeling sorry for them, and start telling them they've got a chance.
Really, you do. It's like some secret weapon they have where you start apologizing to them for kicking their ass repeatedly. It's not just the Gophers, though, it's the entire Minnesota sports spectrum. The Twins were hideous. The Vikings are horrible. WHY DOES MINNESOTA HAVE A NBA TEAM? WHY? The Minnesota Wild... well, I should pay more attention to them, but probably won't because there is college hockey where they don't feel the need to fight all the time.
The only thing holding up the state are the WNBA champions Lynx and the Gopher women's hockey team who won't ever lose because other states don't play much in the way of women's hockey.
But we're here to talk about the Gophers, and if you find yourself feeling sorry for them and starting to apologize, just remember that they have over 10,000 lakes and forests and they're fine. DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR THEM THOUGH BECAUSE THAT'S JUST WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO DO. After you feel sorry for them, you'll start buying them beer and have a curious need to pay more taxes. You won't know who to pay more taxes to, so you'll just get confused and hand the natives money. It's bizarre.
0 - What it will cost you to get into the MN4NE gathering at the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota on Friday. Actually, most of the events we list are free.
5 - Different varies of Apples that are trademarked by the University of Minnesota. Apples in Minnesota? Yes. If you ain't ever had no Honeycrisp, you're missing out on one helluva Apple. If you're coming to Minnesota, and you come up 169 from Worthington, you might want to stop by Minnesota Harvest in Jordan, MN and pick your own Apples. Honeycrisp season is over, but there's still six other varieties left.
6.2 - The Alcohol by Volume percentage in Surley's Furious. Surley is a Minnesota beer brewer. I am not a big Surly fan because their beer is pretty hoppy, where I like my beer sweeter. Does that make me a pansy? NO, it only makes me more aware of the fact that I'm already bitter, and adding more might make me explode, so I prefer to ingest things that sweeten me up.
9 - The number of times Minnesota has beaten Michigan since 1960. Michigan beat them from 1987 to 2005. That's what it's like to be a Minnesota Gophers football fan. Hey, the Vikings haven't won a super bowl either, so, it's not like they have much to brag about there, is it?
10 - years in a row that Nebraska lost to Minnesota, from 1940 to 1949. The worst loss was in 1945, a 61-7 Gopher win. 1944 was 39-0, and 1943 was 54-0. We still owe them for that.
16 - Nebraska's current win streak against Minnesota, the last win for the Gophers coming in 1960.
20 - Minnesota has played 20 games since the start of the 5 2012 season. In those 20 games, the Gophers are 11-9 overall and have scored a combined 494 points (24.7 points per game). Minnesota was 5-15 in its previous 20 games from Oct. 2, 2010 to Nov. 26, 2011. During those 20 games, the Gophers scored a total of 393 points (19.65 points
per game). So there's that.
29 - wins that Minnesota has against Nebraska.
37 - the margin of victory over Purdue, Nebraska's largest as a member of the Big Ten Conference. This means we're getting better, doesn't it?
53 - years it's been since Nebraska lost to Minnesota in college football.
54 - This will be the 54th match up between Nebraska and Minnesota, the first of which occurred in 1900. A couple years ago Aaron did a nice article about how Nebraska built their name up by beating Minnesota. Oh, those 1900's!!!!! What a time!
65 - Minnesota's national rank in scoring offense at 29.6 points per game. Nebraska is 10th at 42.7 points per game.
68 - The lowest price ticket currently available through SBNation ticket partner Tickets Now, which you can find by going to the home team's site (in this case, The Daily Gopher), selecting "More" and then "Tickets".
84 - points the 1983 team scored against Minnesota, their worst loss in school history, 84-13. I talked to some guys who played in that game. They said that everything they tried work. They'd run a guy at the line, and he'd bust lose for a 50-yard dive play. They made up plays in the huddle.
120 - Games Minnesota has played against Wisconsin, the most of any opponent they've played. They still lead the series 57-55-8. They've played 106 against Iowa and still lead that series 60-44-2
121 - Minnesota's national rank in passing offense with 117.7 yards per game. The Gophers quarterbacks Phillip Nelson and Mitch Leidner do not rank in the top 100 in any statistic.
124 - The number of years combined that Jerry Kill's coaching staff has been together with him. That is unbelievable. Look at this list:
Eric Klein, strength coach 20
Tracy Claeys, defensive coordinator 19
Rob Reeves, h-backs/tight ends 18
Matt Limegrover, offensive coordinator 15
Brian Anderson, running backs 13
Pat Poore, wide receivers 13
Jay Sawvel, defensive backs/special teams 13
Jeff Phelps, defensive line 6
Jim Zebrowski, quarterbacks 4
Bill Miller, linebackers 3
145 - The number of points Nebraska has scored in the first half of the last five Gopher games. The number that Minnesota has scored? ZERO.
311 - listed weight in pounds of Ra'Shede Hageman, the Gophers best defensive lineman. Hageman is a top-rated 2014 NFL Draft pick as a defensive tackle. The problem is that Minnesota only has one of him, although he could wreak some havoc on Nebraska's run game. PRO-TIP - RUN AWAY FROM HIM. Well, not really "run away", but run to the place where he isn't.
477 - yards gained by running back David Cobb, Gophers leading rusher, this season. He leads the team despite not being listed on the season-opening depth chart. He has 477 yards on 88 carries for a 5.42 yard per carry average. He has five touchdowns.
15,000 - I would hope that we see this many Husker fans at this game. Minnesota is an easy trip to make, the Twin Cities are a nice place to visit, and the tickets should be readily available.
Countless - The number of times a vendor at a sporting event in Minnesota has told me how much they love Nebraska fans because they fill up the stadiums and spend money. Okay, I really didn't count mostly because I don't get out enough, but it is a constant theme with them. Be sure to tip your waiting staff wherever you are this weekend. The state could really use the money.