Big Ten Media Days - Schedule of Events And Thread

Seriously, we have an endless supply of photos of Bo Pelini yelling at officials.

From your official BTN media release comes the schedule for Big Ten Media Days. I had planned to go to this this year, and my family had planned to run in the inaugural BTN 10K, but then life happened (again). I'll spare you the details, but I would really like to have been in Chicago right now.

BTN will be showing the full press conference throughout the day so that you don't have to get the information secondhand from the regular media. The event will be streamed live on BTN2GO as well.

Please consider this your open thread for commenting on the coach's comments, and if we're lucky, only about 10% will include reactions on the sanctions at Penn State. (We won't be so lucky.)

Mike Hall and Chris Martin will anchor the network's coverage from the BTN studios beginning at 10 AM CT. BTN will also re-air the press conferences at 7 PM CT Thursday. Fans can also track the day's activities by following BTN.com's Tom Dienhart and Brent Yarina on Twitter (@BTNTomDienhart & @BTNBrentYarina).

Press Conference Schedule (live on BTN & BTN2Go):
All Times Central

EASTERN DIVISION COACHES

10:00 AM Bret Bielema (Wisconsin)

Bielema begins by thanking everyone who made possible his 2012 Big Ten Eastern Division title, then passes out t-shirts reflecting the same.

10:15 AM Danny Hope (Purdue)

Danny Hope is still at Purdue? I thought they hired someone else. Really, I did.

10:30 AM Urban Meyer (Ohio State)

Urban Meyer starts by passing out t-shirts that say "The Real 2012 Eastern Division Champ", then challenges Bielema to a brawl that will begin as soon as he's done talking. It's a red herring. He's never done talking, even when his time is up.

And then, Braxton Miller.

10:45 AM BREAK

11:00 AM Tim Beckman (Illinois)

I don't know the first damned thing about Tim Beckman. I guess that's why they have these press conferences. Nebraska doesn't play Illinois this year, so I don't really care.

It's kind of like Indiana, so really, this whole period has been set up so the media (and you fans watching at home) can take a nap from 10:45 to 11:30 AM. WIll you miss anything? Doubtful.

11:15 AM Kevin Wilson (Indiana)

Nap time continues. Insert joke about basketball season starting.

11:30 AM Bill O'Brien (Penn State)

O'Brien doesn't show up, but instead a life-sized cardboard cut-out of him with movable arms is placed in front of the podium and he does the entire press conference by teleconference. It's just a recording, though as he tries to keep the rest of his players from leaving.

11:45 AM BREAK

WESTERN DIVISION COACHES

12:00 PM Pat Fitzgerald (Northwestern)

Fitzgerald says "NU" fifteen times a minute in order to point out that Northwestern is the real NU and nobody else can take that away from them.

12:15 PM Jerry Kill (Minnesota)

Kill starts by opening a Grain Belt Premium (in a bottle, never in a can) at the podium and pointing at that, yes, you can now buy beer at TCF Bank Stadium. It's the only way to watch Gopher football, so please buy some more season tickets.

12:30 PM Brady Hoke (Michigan)

Hoke spends his 15 minutes pointing at things that don't exist while he says nothing. All the while his shoes are untied. It's performance art at it's finest as he's really pointing at a metaphor for Denard Robinson.

I'm just kidding! There's no way Hoke could go two minutes without talking. And pointing. Don't forget the pointing. Seriously, watch for it during the presser.

12:45 PM BREAK

1:00 PM Bo Pelini (Nebraska)

Pelini gives another speech comparable to his 2011 Penn State postgame press conference, about how all the problems at PSU are bigger than football, that football is too big and things need to be put in perspective, but no one cares. He then says "the process" and "execute" repeatedly until his time is up.

1:15 PM Mark Dantonio (Michigan State)

Everyone is treated to 15 minutes of empty plastic bags blowing across the room. They come from nowhere and go nowhere, but continue like a repetitive background of an old Mickey Mouse cartoon (think Woody's Round Up if you're never seen an old Mickey Mouse cartoon).

1:30 PM Kirk Ferentz (Iowa)

If Kirk were smart, he'd problem open up by saying "We Need A Running Back" just like Lane Kiffin, but instead he'll probably talk about his new coaching staff that includes Greg Davis as offensive coordinator. Greg Davis, the same that was so hated by Texas fans. Is that a good thing or a bad thing for Nebraska, or does it not make one damned bit of difference?

1:45 PM Bill Carollo (Big Ten Coordinator of Football Officials)

Carollo doesn't actually get to talk because Pelini comes out and yells at him the entire 15 minutes. 17,283 photos are taken to be used by all the media outlets throughout the 2012 season.

2:15 PM Jim Delany (Big Ten Commissioner)

Delany proceeds to talk for five hours straight, nearly killing everyone in his vicinity. He talks so much that no one in the media can make sense of what he's saying, then they all write articles about how he's one of the most powerful men in college football despite botching the college football playoff debate (no on-campus games, no midwestern final bids), although he did get $80M for the Rose Bowl and will tout that as the greatest thing ever even though all the rest of the big bowls will get $80M or more when their contracts are re-negotiated.

ROSE BOWL! WOOOWOOOHOOO!!!!

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