Chicago – in a board room atop a building downtown, 11 of 12 chairs contain confused members of the Big Ten Conference.
In case you weren't aware, this is OSU, and I call this meeting to order.
Thanks everyone for coming. As you all know, at the end of the Spring Meetings, Commissioner Delaney gave us all a bottle of wine to share. And despite Wisconsin trying to hog it all...
...we all had a glass, toasted to our mutual health, and polished it off. I assume by your varied appearances, you all awoke this morning to similar results that I did. We've been changed, we've become heroes. So, since some of us are wearing masks, why don't we all (re)introduce ourselves. I, of course, am Daredevil.
Oh, and you turning into Wolverine isn't? Come on, everyone saw that coming. The only one possibly less original is birdbrain over there.
That's Hawkman to you!
We'll get to you in a minute, Featherduster.
Just sayin', a blind lawyer? That suits you. Either that, or Bart Simpson. "I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything. I wanna talk to my lawyer." It's only going to get better...for us...now that you have Urbz coaching you.
Oh, my God, jealous much? Hmm, Hoke...Meyer? Hoke...Meyer? That, and I've got Ben Affleck's good looks too.
Whatever. Well, as you can tell, I became Wolverine. No matter what you do, no matter what you throw at me, and no matter how sick Ohio makes me, I'll always recover. I'm also the most popular one among you.
Maybe the most conceited.
No, that would be...wait...where's Nebraska?
Nebraska, are you here?
<no one answers>
Wonder what happened to him. Oh well, we got along fine without him. Moving on, Iowa. I see you became our Thanksgiving dinner.
Screw you, OSU! Hawkman has a proud history in the DC Universe, just as I...
<no one is paying attention>
Wait...is that Deadpool? Who the hell is Deadpool?
That would be me.
INDIANA? How did you get to be Deadpool? Is he even a hero? You're lying, take off that mask. You can't be Indiana.
Holy s***, put that mask back on. I can't believe Delaney did that to you.
He didn't, you all did. That's what my face looked like by the time Purdue finished my season last year. But Delaney says becoming Deadpool means I'll have a healing factor like Michigan's, so my face will heal.
I'm not even sure I could heal that, bub. And I thought you were blind, "Daredevil". How do you know just how horrible Indiana looks?
Drop it, Michigan. The case is over, I said we're moving on. Who's next? Well, he's big, he's green, I can only imagine that's Michigan State. Seems you've bulked up recently.
Yes, you smashed a lot of teams last year. You've done very well, but, please put Michigan down.
SPARTY SMASH PUNY WOLVERINE!
Son, I've been kicking your ass for decades, and I'll do it again soon enough. Now put me down.
SPARTY WIN MANY YEARS NOW! SPARTY SMASH!
<Michigan St. throws Michigan though the window, and down to the street several stories down>
That's nice, you stay happy. We like a happy Sparty.
Oh yay. <facepalm> We're going to have a draft until the window is repaired. Now that I mention it, it's awfully cold in here already. Must be your doing. Delaney wasn't kind to you at all, was he Minnesota?
Well, I'm a lot buffer than I used to be, I think. But being frozen in ice isn't as much fun this time of year.
Frozen in ice, frozen in time. Tomato, tomahto. But gosh golly darn it, people do love to cheer for an underdog, don't they?
Northwestern, is that you? Where? <looks around, spots a dark figure sitting alone in a corner> WHAT? You're...
<cuts him off> I'm Batman.
How the hell did you get to be Batman?
Makes sense, really. He's rich. He's smart. He seems to find a way to win when he shouldn't, and ruin other's seasons. And he prefers to be alone.
<considers this> I can't argue with that. I've seen his attendance figures. So, if you're Batman, who's Robin?
<pokes his head around the corner>
<howls in laughter>
It's not funny. He belongs with you. Take him back.
Oh hell no! This is great, you're welcome to have him.
I don't want him. No one does. He's practically invisible at his real home. I don't like kids...unless they have excellent SAT's and bank accounts.
I'll take him!
Penn St., is that you? Who are you supposed to be?
I'm Captain Sunshine! Friend and protector of all children.
You and me both, big guy. Look, Penn St., I'm not sure...but I think Captain Sunshine is...
<cuts him off> No, wait, let's see if he figures it out quicker this time around.
Come here, little Robin. No child shall be homeless while I'm around. We'll get you back to State College, get you a healthy meal, a warm bed, and a hot shower.
Iowa, you can't let this happen. That's your little brother. I know you have your differences, but come on.
You don't have to deal with him every year. The ugly trophies, the moronic AD. Besides, PSU has turned the corner. It couldn't happen again.
<Penn St. gives ISU a big...long...hug>
Uh, hey ISU, come on back over here. I was only fooling. I'll take you back to your orphanage in Austin in the morning.
You put your brother in an orphanage in Texas?
No, I'm taking him to State College. He'll be my ward, since broody Northwestern over there won't take him. I've got the resources to give him a better life. He'll have friends there. People will actually come over to see him. And YOU are obviously a bad influence.
Yeah, we've heard that kind of argument before. Look, he's my little brother, I'll take care of him.
<ISU goes back to Iowa, Iowa backhands him when PSU isn't looking>
Thou art a horrible brother.
You must be Purdue.
Correct, my willingly blind friend. God of Thunder, Protector of Earth, Wielder of the mighty hammer Boilermaker.
"Mighty" is overstating it.
<Purdue swings his hammer, throwing it at OSU, knocking him out>
Fair enough, we'll go with "Mighty". Well, OSU's out for a while, Michigan's a splat on the street...
Yes, yes, Sparty smashed. Nebraska is still nowhere to be seen. Who else do we have in our group? <sigh> Indiana, will you wake up Wisconsin. That lush passed out. Good God man, it's not even Noon.
It's my time to party!
You're an embarrassment. You're not worthy of the power you were given.
Eat s***, Minnesota! F*** you!
That's your answer for everything.
Don't forget this.
<Minnesota is unconscious, the room has a faint badger musk and ranch dressing smell>
Don't do that again.
Or you will be judged...guilty.
We have a Ghost Ri...wait. Illinois? I thought you looked familar, but really? You had to go THAT far? What are you, the "Ghost of Red Grange Rider"?
Evil cannot outrun me.
So dramatic. I'm sure we'll all be careful. <rolls eyes> Tell Delaney you want a refund. Well, I think that takes care of everyone...
Sorry I'm late, gentlemen.
No f***ing way!
Better late than never, boy scout.
That's right, I'm Superman. I fight for Truth, Justice, and the Nebraska Way.
Like Lawrence Phillips?
Hey, I did right by him! I gave him chances. It's just that some people can't be saved.
Whatever helps you sleep at night. So, where have you been all this time?
I was...I don't want to talk about it.
<Michigan slowly walks in>
I saw a bunch of red streaks in the sky on my way down. <glares at Michigan St> I figure it must be our refugee alien.
Shut your mouth, Illinois. I said I don't want to talk about it.
What troubles you, red warrior?
<laughs> I get it. He was flying around the Earth, trying to reverse it's rotation, and take us back in time to the mid-90's.
<Nebraska goes to attack Iowa, Northwestern throws a rock on the table, and Nebraska drops completely weakened and crying>
I was so strong then, nigh invulnerable. I just thought if I could go back, correct the mistakes, the run would have continued.
It was a movie, you retard.
But it looked so real...I believed Christopher Reeve could fly.
Yeah, because 1970's visual effects were so lifelike. You really are backwards in that state.
Whatever. And what the hell is that rock? Why is it making me weep like I just watched the 2007...well...almost any game from 2007?
Bill Callahan DNA-infused Kryptonite.
You're such a bastard.
You're such a genius.
A wizard, even. How do you do it?
You wouldn't believe what I have in my vault for you.
Ok, obviously this is an incredibly powerful antidote to Nebraska. Look, put it away, we'll only break it out if he starts boasting about his 5 National Championships.
Does that count?
No, we'll be kind. I hear he uses that for his security blanket at night. It's adorable, really. Anyway, Northwestern, I'm sure you can keep the rock safe.
Not so fast, I want some.
<Iowa takes a small piece for himself>
This will look great as the centerpiece of my helmet. I can't wait for November.
Don't be too eager. It might kill Nebraska, but it will likely eat away your own defense as well. Use it sparingly.
<Kryptonite is put away, OSU wakes up>
So now that we're heroes, what should our group be called?
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
Seriously? Besides the trademark infringement...Mr. Lawyer..."Legends" and "Leaders" wasn't pretentious enough for you?
Superman and his Amaz...uh...his Friends.
Our winged compatriot was correct, thou art...oh screw it. You really are more conceited than Michigan.
Nebraska, you're the new guy, you sure as hell aren't getting top billing. And calling us your "friends" is being generous.
Fine, if my suggestions aren't appreciated, I'll help my fellow man elsewhere.
<Nebraska flies off>
I told you before he arrived he'd be like that.
But he should be here for the conversation. It's extremely rude to just leave like that.
Please, he hasn't left yet. At least not that far. Believe me, no matter where he goes, no matter what he's doing, if anyone's talking about him...he'll hear it. Never fails.
<Nebraska pokes his head back in>
I heard that!
BRILLIANT IMMEDIATE GLOBAL TERROR ELIMINATION NETWORK!
<Everyone turns to look at Michigan St. surprised. Michigan St. stares back at them.>
Sparty speaks, we listen. I guess we're the BIGTEN after all.
Tips of the hat to Bring On The Cats' Panjandrum, Black Heart Gold Pants commenter C.I.owA, and BHGP and their Batshit Insanity posts in general for inspiration.