Introduction to the BIGTEN

Chicago – in a board room atop a building downtown, 11 of 12 chairs contain confused members of the Big Ten Conference.


In case you weren't aware, this is OSU, and I call this meeting to order.

Daredevil_005_mediumThanks everyone for coming. As you all know, at the end of the Spring Meetings, Commissioner Delaney gave us all a bottle of wine to share. And despite Wisconsin trying to hog it all...

Iron-man_mediumHEY! <hic>

Daredevil_005_medium...we all had a glass, toasted to our mutual health, and polished it off. I assume by your varied appearances, you all awoke this morning to similar results that I did. We've been changed, we've become heroes. So, since some of us are wearing masks, why don't we all (re)introduce ourselves. I, of course, am Daredevil.


That's appropriate!

Daredevil_005_mediumOh, and you turning into Wolverine isn't? Come on, everyone saw that coming. The only one possibly less original is birdbrain over there.


That's Hawkman to you!

Daredevil_005_mediumWe'll get to you in a minute, Featherduster.

Wolverine_mediumJust sayin', a blind lawyer? That suits you. Either that, or Bart Simpson. "I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything. I wanna talk to my lawyer." It's only going to get better...for that you have Urbz coaching you.

Daredevil_005_mediumOh, my God, jealous much? Hmm, Hoke...Meyer? Hoke...Meyer? That, and I've got Ben Affleck's good looks too.

Wolverine_mediumWhatever. Well, as you can tell, I became Wolverine. No matter what you do, no matter what you throw at me, and no matter how sick Ohio makes me, I'll always recover. I'm also the most popular one among you.

Daredevil_005_mediumMaybe the most conceited.

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumNo, that would be...wait...where's Nebraska?

Daredevil_005_mediumNebraska, are you here?

<no one answers>

Daredevil_005_mediumWonder what happened to him. Oh well, we got along fine without him. Moving on, Iowa. I see you became our Thanksgiving dinner.

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumScrew you, OSU! Hawkman has a proud history in the DC Universe, just as I...

<no one is paying attention> that Deadpool? Who the hell is Deadpool?


That would be me.

Daredevil_005_mediumINDIANA? How did you get to be Deadpool? Is he even a hero? You're lying, take off that mask. You can't be Indiana.


Daredevil_005_mediumHoly s***, put that mask back on. I can't believe Delaney did that to you.

Deadpoolhood_mediumHe didn't, you all did. That's what my face looked like by the time Purdue finished my season last year. But Delaney says becoming Deadpool means I'll have a healing factor like Michigan's, so my face will heal.

Wolverine_mediumI'm not even sure I could heal that, bub. And I thought you were blind, "Daredevil". How do you know just how horrible Indiana looks?

Daredevil_005_mediumDrop it, Michigan. The case is over, I said we're moving on. Who's next? Well, he's big, he's green, I can only imagine that's Michigan State. Seems you've bulked up recently.



Daredevil_005_mediumYes, you smashed a lot of teams last year. You've done very well, but, please put Michigan down.


Wolverine_mediumSon, I've been kicking your ass for decades, and I'll do it again soon enough. Now put me down.


Daredevil_005_mediumSPARTY, NOOOOOOO!

<Michigan St. throws Michigan though the window, and down to the street several stories down>

Hulkface_mediumSPARTY HAPPY!

Daredevil_005_mediumThat's nice, you stay happy. We like a happy Sparty.

Hulkface_mediumSPARTY HAPPY!

Daredevil_005_mediumOh yay. <facepalm> We're going to have a draft until the window is repaired. Now that I mention it, it's awfully cold in here already. Must be your doing. Delaney wasn't kind to you at all, was he Minnesota?


Well, I'm a lot buffer than I used to be, I think. But being frozen in ice isn't as much fun this time of year.

Daredevil_005_mediumFrozen in ice, frozen in time. Tomato, tomahto. But gosh golly darn it, people do love to cheer for an underdog, don't they?

That's BS.

Daredevil_005_mediumNorthwestern, is that you? Where? <looks around, spots a dark figure sitting alone in a corner> WHAT? You're...


<cuts him off> I'm Batman.

Daredevil_005_mediumHow the hell did you get to be Batman?

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumMakes sense, really. He's rich. He's smart. He seems to find a way to win when he shouldn't, and ruin other's seasons. And he prefers to be alone.

Daredevil_005_medium<considers this> I can't argue with that. I've seen his attendance figures. So, if you're Batman, who's Robin?


<pokes his head around the corner>

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_medium<howls in laughter>

Batmantas_mediumIt's not funny. He belongs with you. Take him back.

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumOh hell no! This is great, you're welcome to have him.

Batmantas_mediumI don't want him. No one does. He's practically invisible at his real home. I don't like kids...unless they have excellent SAT's and bank accounts.

Captainsunshinehead_mediumI'll take him!

Daredevil_005_mediumPenn St., is that you? Who are you supposed to be?


I'm Captain Sunshine! Friend and protector of all children.

Hulkface_mediumSPARTY UNEASY!

Daredevil_005_mediumYou and me both, big guy. Look, Penn St., I'm not sure...but I think Captain Sunshine is...

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_medium<cuts him off> No, wait, let's see if he figures it out quicker this time around.

Captainsunshinehead_mediumCome here, little Robin. No child shall be homeless while I'm around. We'll get you back to State College, get you a healthy meal, a warm bed, and a hot shower.

Daredevil_005_mediumIowa, you can't let this happen. That's your little brother. I know you have your differences, but come on.

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumYou don't have to deal with him every year. The ugly trophies, the moronic AD. Besides, PSU has turned the corner. It couldn't happen again.

<Penn St. gives ISU a big...long...hug>

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumUh, hey ISU, come on back over here. I was only fooling. I'll take you back to your orphanage in Austin in the morning.

Daredevil_005_mediumCaptainamerica1_mediumDeadpoolhood_mediumYou put your brother in an orphanage in Texas?

Captainsunshinehead_mediumNo, I'm taking him to State College. He'll be my ward, since broody Northwestern over there won't take him. I've got the resources to give him a better life. He'll have friends there. People will actually come over to see him. And YOU are obviously a bad influence.

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumYeah, we've heard that kind of argument before. Look, he's my little brother, I'll take care of him.

<ISU goes back to Iowa, Iowa backhands him when PSU isn't looking>


Thou art a horrible brother.

Daredevil_005_mediumYou must be Purdue.

Thor_mediumCorrect, my willingly blind friend. God of Thunder, Protector of Earth, Wielder of the mighty hammer Boilermaker.

Daredevil_005_medium"Mighty" is overstating it.

<Purdue swings his hammer, throwing it at OSU, knocking him out>

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumFair enough, we'll go with "Mighty". Well, OSU's out for a while, Michigan's a splat on the street...

Hulkface_mediumSPARTY SMASH!

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumYes, yes, Sparty smashed. Nebraska is still nowhere to be seen. Who else do we have in our group? <sigh> Indiana, will you wake up Wisconsin. That lush passed out. Good God man, it's not even Noon.


It's my time to party!

Captainamerica1_mediumYou're an embarrassment. You're not worthy of the power you were given.

Iron-man_mediumEat s***, Minnesota! F*** you!

Captainamerica1_mediumThat's your answer for everything.

Iron-man_mediumDon't forget this.


<Minnesota is unconscious, the room has a faint badger musk and ranch dressing smell>


Don't do that again.

Iron-man_mediumOr what?

Ghost-rider_mediumOr you will be judged...guilty.

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumWe have a Ghost Ri...wait. Illinois? I thought you looked familar, but really? You had to go THAT far? What are you, the "Ghost of Red Grange Rider"?

Ghost-rider_mediumEvil cannot outrun me.

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumSo dramatic. I'm sure we'll all be careful. <rolls eyes> Tell Delaney you want a refund. Well, I think that takes care of everyone...


Sorry I'm late, gentlemen.

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumNo f***ing way!

Deadpoolhood_mediumBetter late than never, boy scout.

Supermanflight_mediumThat's right, I'm Superman. I fight for Truth, Justice, and the Nebraska Way.

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumLike Lawrence Phillips?

Supermanflight_mediumHey, I did right by him! I gave him chances. It's just that some people can't be saved.

Deadpoolhood_mediumWhatever helps you sleep at night. So, where have you been all this time?

Supermanflight_mediumI was...I don't want to talk about it.

<Michigan slowly walks in>

Wolverine_mediumI saw a bunch of red streaks in the sky on my way down. <glares at Michigan St> I figure it must be our refugee alien.

Ghost-rider_mediumWere you...?

Supermanflight_mediumShut your mouth, Illinois. I said I don't want to talk about it.

Thor_mediumWhat troubles you, red warrior?

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_medium<laughs> I get it. He was flying around the Earth, trying to reverse it's rotation, and take us back in time to the mid-90's.

<Nebraska goes to attack Iowa, Northwestern throws a rock on the table, and Nebraska drops completely weakened and crying>

Supermanflight_mediumI was so strong then, nigh invulnerable. I just thought if I could go back, correct the mistakes, the run would have continued.

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumIt was a movie, you retard.

Supermanflight_mediumBut it looked so real...I believed Christopher Reeve could fly.

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumYeah, because 1970's visual effects were so lifelike. You really are backwards in that state.

Supermanflight_mediumWhatever. And what the hell is that rock? Why is it making me weep like I just watched the 2007...well...almost any game from 2007?

Batmantas_mediumBill Callahan DNA-infused Kryptonite.

Supermanflight_mediumYou're such a bastard.

Deadpoolhood_mediumYou're such a genius.

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumA wizard, even. How do you do it?

Batmantas_mediumYou wouldn't believe what I have in my vault for you.

Captainsunshinehead_mediumOk, obviously this is an incredibly powerful antidote to Nebraska. Look, put it away, we'll only break it out if he starts boasting about his 5 National Championships.

Deadpoolhood_mediumDoes that count?


Captainsunshinehead_mediumNo, we'll be kind. I hear he uses that for his security blanket at night. It's adorable, really. Anyway, Northwestern, I'm sure you can keep the rock safe.

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumNot so fast, I want some.

<Iowa takes a small piece for himself>

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumThis will look great as the centerpiece of my helmet. I can't wait for November.

Ghost-rider_mediumDon't be too eager. It might kill Nebraska, but it will likely eat away your own defense as well. Use it sparingly.

<Kryptonite is put away, OSU wakes up>

Captainsunshinehead_mediumSo now that we're heroes, what should our group be called?

Daredevil_005_mediumThe League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumSeriously? Besides the trademark infringement...Mr. Lawyer..."Legends" and "Leaders" wasn't pretentious enough for you?

Supermanflight_mediumSuperman and his Amaz...uh...his Friends.

Thor_mediumOur winged compatriot was correct, thou art...oh screw it. You really are more conceited than Michigan.

Daredevil_005_mediumNebraska, you're the new guy, you sure as hell aren't getting top billing. And calling us your "friends" is being generous.

Supermanflight_mediumFine, if my suggestions aren't appreciated, I'll help my fellow man elsewhere.

<Nebraska flies off>

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumI told you before he arrived he'd be like that.

Daredevil_005_mediumBut he should be here for the conversation. It's extremely rude to just leave like that.

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumPlease, he hasn't left yet. At least not that far. Believe me, no matter where he goes, no matter what he's doing, if anyone's talking about him...he'll hear it. Never fails.

<Nebraska pokes his head back in>

Supermanflight_mediumI heard that!

Hawkman_carter_hall-1_mediumI know.


<Everyone turns to look at Michigan St. surprised. Michigan St. stares back at them.>

Hulkface_mediumSPARTY SPEAK!

Daredevil_005_mediumSparty speaks, we listen. I guess we're the BIGTEN after all.

Tips of the hat to Bring On The Cats' Panjandrum, Black Heart Gold Pants commenter C.I.owA, and BHGP and their Batshit Insanity posts in general for inspiration.

This FanPost created by a registered user of Corn Nation.

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