BREAKING NEWS: A&M to the SEC within 50 years.

This just in. I have learned from multiple sources that Texas A&M University will leave the Big XII and move to the SEC at some point within the next 50 years. I got the scoop from inside sources from officials in both College Station and the Big XII commissioners office in Austin, TX. The target date for the move is June 30, 2061.

When asked about the move, my inside source at A&M responded, "We still have some political hoops to jump though. You know how government is. We expect extended filibusterers on this topic and entire legislative sessions spent on this to determine the right course of action. And since the legislature only meets every other year, well, it could take time. College football is the most important issue in our society and we need to make sure we do the right thing.

Things could speed up though. If Rick Perry is elected President, we expect a law to be pushed through congress forcing every American to pray day and night for the safety of A&M and for a speedy move to the SEC. We are Texas A&M after all. It would be un-american not to pray for us."

When the Big XII commissioner was asked about the move the the SEC, DeLoss Dodds responded, "It looks to me like they're leaving," but he thinks they would be ok with 9 teams.  And he added, "The UT staff is working on 20 names for possible replacements." He responded to a question about the PAC-12 by saying, "I'd put that down as an option. I don't know if it's a viable option." The final question for him centered around who the Big XII would pick up to replace the Aggies. Notre Dame, BYU and Air Force were said to be high on the list.

Those names interested me so I contacted the AD's at the three schools. When I got a hold of Jack Swarbrick at Notre Dame, I had to wait 20 minutes for a response to my question, "Would Notre Dame consider the Big XII?" because he couldn't stop laughing. When he did stop, he gave me a one line response before hanging up on me, "Well, if we joined the Big XII, at least we would be independent again in a few years."

At BYU, Tom Holmoe simply responded, "Hey we are desperate to get into a BCS conference, but not that desperate. At Air Force, Hans Mueh's administrative assistant replied that "At the Air Force Academy, we have more important things to worry about like training people to protect this country."

Now that I had some info from the athletic departments, I decided to go out onto the street and interview people about the news of A&M's departure. I got some very interesting responses.

Hector Bodine, a 22-year-old from College Station, said "It's exciting news. It's been a long time coming and I know that once we move to the SEC our recruiting will improve and we will compete for conference titles almost immediately. I'm guessing that after three years in the SEC, we will be a top 5 team competing for National Titles yearly."

Buckshot Jarret was a little cautious, though. "I'd like to make sure we hit the 150 year anniversary for the game against the t-sips before we move. It just wouldn't feel right to move to another conference and throw away our traditional rivalry until that point. 50 years is a good amount of time to be able to say our goodbyes and transition over to our new conference."

Franklin Earnhardt, a 76-year old A&M grad, wasn't too happy. "Move to the SEC? Over my dead body! And I'll tell you what. There are plenty of people my age that would be fixin' to stop this move! It won't happen as long as we are alive! Mark my words!"

And little Sally Lou, a five-year-old from Mumford TX, said, "My daddy says *$#@ the shorthorns and their stoopid TV station.

But what about Texas fans? I ran into a few of them too. Wilson Freudenhoff understands why A&M is leaving. "Well, we have beaten them so often that they are sick of losing to us. They are just like the cornshuckers from up north. Sadly, we will probably go indepandent soon because everyone will leave after they learn that we are the best."

Jason Smith said, "Well, I would get bored too if all I did was #*@(*$ sheep for over 100 years. They probably want to try a few gators, bulldogs and tigers."

Lots of hostilities exist right now in Texas and there is concern about what is going to happen to the Big XII in 2061 when the conference will lose a member. I decided to ask Big XII fans from other schools and this is what I got.

Jarod Bakenhimler from Kansas State said, "I HATE EVERYONE. EVERYONE THAT LEAVES IS A JACKASS. I HATE THEM ALL!!!!!"

Kansas fan, Jane Jackson said, "Meh, we play basketball so the Big East will do, by then our football team will be relevant again."

Baylor fan, Hans Christensen, said, "We are praying every day that God will send us all to heaven before the demise of our conference. That way, we won't have to deal with the fallout!"

Oklahoma Sooner fan, Grandon Drake, said, "No matter what. We are gonna stick with Texas. We're equals and wherever they go, we will go. That is unless we decide to go to the SEC. or the PAC-24. or the B1G. or the ACC..."

Iowa State fan Jeramiah Turtlesail responded, "Are you kidding me? That's like 50 years from now. So what? We're gonna mooch off a BCS conference for as long as we can and deal with it when it happens."

Silly Iowa State fans. Always delusional about the future.

/endsatire

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